Queen Bee

May 2005 (1)

Waking up this morning, I felt so fucking excited. Today was the release of my second and third singles for my new album, Naked Truth, that was set to be dropped next month. I had decided to release both singles together since the music video was kind of a mash up of both songs. Shooting the Lighters Up music video was absolutely amazing, but I found it took way longer than I expected it too, and there was just no way I could film two more videos within the last few months all while looking after Des. Music videos are a lot of work, let me tell you, and I never wanna be Marshall who prioritizes his work over his kids, so, instead, I figured why the hell not just record one video for both singles? I know the fans might be disappointed, and I get that, I'm disappointed too. I would have loved to record two separate ones for both Spell Check and Whoa, but as a mother, I just love my baby more. 

It was also exciting though because in both tracks, I was outright dissing D12. No subliminals, nothing, just a straight up fuck you D12. In Spell Check I had added a few bars, "With my girl Z to the O to the E/She ride like a soldier, that's my co-D/I'm Bella to that death and, don't ask why/'Cause D12 is P-U-S-S-Y/And I'm more n**** than them bitch ass guys/'Cause they took the stand on the Valium's side." A bit harsh to air out Marshall's dirty laundry like that? Maybe. But the album is called Naked Truth, and that's the truth. Marshall tried to air out ours on his record, but it was nothing but bold faced lies. I warned him not to play this game with me, but he wanted to play. So fuck it. I'll play. 

While I was so excited about today's release, I was even more excited that Lighters Up had still been doing so fucking amazing. The public seemed to love the track so much, and it just made my heart so happy. I read a few comments here and there about people saying how excited they were for the whole album to drop, how much they loved the video, but there was one in specific that really stood out to me. It was just some random person on a forum, but they had said something along the lines of how proud they were of me for obviously, and very publicly, going through one of the hardest periods of my life, but yet I was still able to put out such a dope track. 

I don't know why, but those words just really stuck with me. They were so kind, and honestly gave me a ton of motivation to just keep doing what I'm doing. When I saw Marshall at Jay's release party, I was so incredibly fucking close to just saying fuck it and going back to his hotel with him. I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. He's truly my weak spot. But that comment I guess just reminded me of how far I've come, and that as long as he's taking those stupid fucking pills, I can't be with him. No matter how badly I want to. I have to keep myself grounded, centred, and focused, because that random person on the internet is right. I've been through absolute hell for Marshall, and still I was able to make a come back. I can't let my love for him fuck me over again. Not now, not ever. 

Getting up with Des, I swear I had a million congratulations texts and missed calls on the singles, just as I did with Lighters Up. Choosing instead to just spend time with my baby and bask in my accomplishments, I figured I would respond to them later once I had put Des down for his nap. Normally, I would have been working today and sent Des to daycare, but I really just wanted to spend time with him. He's pretty much the only one I'm doin' this shit for now anyways, so he may as well reap the benefits. 

Running around with him all morning though, I felt exhausted. So when one in the afternoon rolled around, I was definitely thankful. I swear, I have no idea how kids have so much goddamn energy all the time. And today was a good day for me! I felt excited, happy, energized, but yet, he still was able to out do me. 

Tucking him into his little race car bed, I kissed the top of his head goodnight. "Okay, sleep well, baby. Yell if ya need me." Running my hand over his hair one last time, I began to stand up. 

"Otay. Tanks, mommy." He smiled. "Wait!" 

Whipping myself around, my brows drew into a confused frown. "What?"