Queen Bee

June 2003 (3)

*Hi! Just wanted to put a small trigger warning before this chapter, it does deal with light domestic violence, so if that bothers you please please please don't read, I promise I wont be offended! Thanks :)*

Coming home, I felt so fuckin' happy to finally be back. I don't know what's been goin' on with me recently, but it's almost like I'm starting to hate touring. The expectations are just so fuckin' high, I hate packing and unpacking every fuckin' day, I hate flying, I hate it all. I hate the whole process of it. The only thing I do enjoy is the actual performance, but everything else I can't fuckin' stand. Not to mention the constant time changes absolutely fuck my sleep schedule, so I have to start taking even more pills just to try and force myself to sleep, it's exhausting. I'm exhausted constantly while I'm away, which makes me that much more irritable and hard to deal with. And the thing is I know I'm bein' an asshole in the moment, but I don't care. I'll lash out at fuckin' anybody while I'm away and not think twice about it 'cause it's just how I am when I'm separated from my family I guess. 

Even though I was excited as fuck to be home and finally see Angel and the kids, Angel didn't seem that excited to see me. She gave me a hug, but it was a lot more loose than normal. When I tried to kiss her, she barely even kissed me back. And I mean, I know I went off on her a few times while I was away, but I was fuckin' tired and I just missed her so much. She's gotta understand that. Plus I was high! I wouldn't have said half that shit to her if I was sober. I don't know, maybe she's just bein dramatic, but whatever it is I'm gonna need it to stop or else I might go off on her again if she ain't start actin' right. 

After putting all the kids down for the night, I headed back downstairs towards the front door where I had left my bags. Turning the corner, I found Angel sitting on the ground, directly beside my open suitcase with her knees to her chest and the palms of her hands shoved deep into her eye sockets. Noticing she was crying, I immediately panicked and bolted towards her. "What the fuck, baby?! What's wrong?!" Crouching down beside her, I put my hand on her back, quickly feeling something she had yanked from the far side of her being directly shoved into my chest. Confused, I looked down, realizing it was the large plastic bag that I had filled to the brim with all the empty pill bottles I had gone through on the trip. Rather than just throwing them away at the time, I kept them 'cause I was always worried 'bout someone seein' my address and name on them. Snatching the bag from her, I quickly stood up. "The fuck are ya doin' lookin' through my shit?!" I barked. 

"Marshall, ya have to go to rehab." She croaked, looking up at me with the most sad, wet, and swollen eyes I had ever seen on her. 

My face dropped as my eyelids sprung wide open. Is this bitch fuckin' crazy?! I ain't a goddamn drug addict! "Ya think I needa go to fuckin' rehab?!" I yelled, my voice immediately echoing off the high walls. "Are ya stupid?! What the fuck do ya think I am?!-" 

"Marshall please calm down-" She cried as tears continued running down her cheeks at full force.

"I AIN'T A FUCKIN' COKE HEAD, ANGEL! THESE ARE PILLS!" I aggressively shook the bag directly in front of her face. "THEY'RE PRESCRIBED!" I screamed.

"THEY'RE A PROBLEM!" She screamed back. 

"YOU'RE THE FUCKIN' PROBLEM! YOU'RE IN MY  HOUSE, LOOKIN' THROUGH MY  SHIT WHILE I'M PUTTIN' MY  FUCKIN' KIDS TO BED!"

"THEY'RE MY KIDS TOO! THIS IS MY HOUSE TOO!" 

Sadistically, I let a loud, deep rumble of laughter roll from my lips as I slowly crouched down to her level once more, staring directly into her bloodshot eyes. "Ya think those are your kids? Ya think is your house?  I pay for fuckin' everything in here... You ain't do shit. The kids fuckin' hate you, Angel. They hate you. None of them want ya around. Not even Des. He told me tonight that he wishes it was mommy who was gone all the time, not daddy, and ya know why that is, Angel?" I paused momentarily, watching as her jaw became clenched and I could tell rage was beginning to boil up inside of her. "It's 'cause you're a shitty fuckin' mom." I whispered.