Queen Bee

May 2004 (1)

Being back home for the last week, it's been nice. It's been hectic, but it's been really fuckin' nice. Even though I'm no where near being fully unpacked, and me and Des have just essentially been living out of boxes, I didn't care. I feel at peace for the first time in a long time. I feel relieved, hopeful, and just fuckin' happy for once. Like a giant 160 to 170 pound weight, depending on its work out schedule, has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like I can finally be free now, and that's something I've been craving for years. 

Sometimes I wonder if that freeness I've been craving is because I was never built to be in a long term, committed relationship... But I don't think so. I always felt free with Marshall, which I think is something I always found important for me to have in a relationship, and no one else could give me that except him. But the problem is, I felt free until I didn't. I felt free with him, until those pills came into the picture. And that's what ruined us. I was ready to be with him for the rest of my life, but I was ready to be with my Marshall, not the Marshall he's become. Honestly, if he had given me that ring in a world where those pills didn't exist, I would have said yes immediately. There would have been no thinking about it. There would have been no anxiety around the idea of marrying him. But I just knew I couldn't marry him until something changed... And unfortunately, that day never came. 

As Aidan and my dad were parked in my room, arguing over the best way to drill in more shelves for my outrageous collection of shoes and purses, me and Jill were working nicely in Des' room, putting away all of his clothes and making sure everything was set up for him just right. 

"No, Aidan, that's wrong! Have ya ever even used a power drill before?!" My dad barked from my closet so loudly it travelled down the hallway, all the way into Des' room. 

"Man, shut up! You ain't even got ya glasses on! Probably think we 'bout to drill into her goddamn fridge!" Aidan yelled back, and I knew he must be feeling pretty agitated considering it's a rare day for him to ever yell at anyone. Immediately, both me and Jill bursted out into laughter, and honestly, in that moment, I just felt so content and full of love. 

Continuing to giggle with Jill, I heard as my phone began to ring from Des' freshly made toddler bed. Collecting myself, I sighed as I put down the little Detroit Pistons t-shirt Von had gotten him for his birthday, snatching my phone off the bed simultaneously. Flipping it open, I noticed a L.A. number calling me that I didn't have saved to my phone. Drawing my browns into a frown, I held up a finger to Jill. "Sorry, one sec." 

Swiftly exiting the room, Brooklyn and Des whizzed past me giggling their heads off just as I was about to accept the call. "Careful you two!" I exclaimed, bringing the phone up to my ear as I finally hit talk. "Hello?" 

"Hi, is this Angel?" A slightly deeper but still incredibly feminine voice spilled through the phone. Honestly, there was something sort of southern-y sounding about the voice too... Like Texan, maybe?

"Yeah, who's this?" I asked, walking aimlessly through the house as I attempted to get as far away from my family as possible. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited as fuck to be back home with all of them, but still, I do appreciate my privacy. 

"It's Beyoncé." She said sweetly. 

"Oh! Oh my god, hi! How are you?" Remembering I had met Beyoncé a few times at various different award shows and parties, I don't think we even talked more than fifteen minutes. Probably due to the fact that two years ago Marshall had done a freestyle where he said some bullshit about her having a pot belly, so I'm willing to bet she likely just always felt uncomfortable around me. I don't blame her, I would too if Jay had said some stupid shit about me like that. 

She laughed. "I'm good, I'm good. How are you?" 

Nodding to myself, I smiled. "Yeah, I'm good, thanks."