Queen Bee

September 2004 (1)

After me and Jayceon hooked up for about the second or third time tonight, we both fell asleep pretty quickly, feeling extremely exhausted after our long, and much needed sexual escapade. I hadn't seen him since my birthday, so when he told me he was coming back this month for a few days, I almost immediately jumped on the opportunity. Literally. As soon as he walked through my door I was on him like a magnet to a fridge. He had said he was only able to hang out with me for the night, which was fine. Actually, it worked perfect for me. I had sent Des over to my dad's for a sleepover, so after I had cum a few times, gotten a good nights rest, I'd pick him up in the morning. A little me time, if you will. 

I had told Jay he could sleep over again if he wanted considering I don't really see him as a hook up. I mean he is, obviously, but I sorta of just see that as a side thing. He's a friend to me first before he's a dick to ride, so I don't really feel all that intimidated by the thought of him staying over. I almost sort of just look at it as if it was a sleepover with Zoe. Except we fuck first, but that's besides the point. Afterwards, all we do is just talk about our lives, share stupid stories, and give each other advice. It's actually really nice, and I never realized how much I craved a male presence like that until I found it, and now I don't wanna let it go. We're just friends who fuck. That's it. No strings attached or nothin'. Just friends.

As my anxiety and stress free brain was off in dreamland, I began to hear the faint noise of a ring. Slowly regaining some sort of consciousness, I realized it sounded like a cellphone. Who's phone is it though? Mine or Jay's? Forcing myself to wake up a bit more, I reached out towards my nightstand, where my fingers were met with a vibrating device. Fuck. It's me. 

Keeping my eyes shut, I flipped it open, using only muscle memory to hit the talk button before bringing it up to my ear. "Hello?" I groaned, my voice filled with sleep.

"Angel?" A familiar, Detroit-influenced voice croaked. 

"Marshall?" I rasped, my confused brain slowly beginning to finally switch on. 

"Fuck- Baby..." He whimpered.

Drawing my brows into a frown, I didn't respond to his cries. Gently throwing the blankets off of me, I carefully swung my legs over the edge of the bed. "You okay?" Jay mumbled from beside of me. 

Turning the phone away from my mouth so Marshall wouldn't hear, I whispered, "yeah." Sliding myself down from the tall bed, I quickly made my way to the door, shutting it behind me just as I returned my phone back to its normal position. Immediately, my ear was filled with nothing but cries and whimpers, and I just couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. "Marshall, what's wrong?" I asked, trailing down the hallway.

"Please tell me you ain't got someone in ya bed right now, Angel." He cried weakly, slurring his words in the process. 

"No Marshall, I-" 

"Baby, please, I'll fuckin' die if ya do."

"I- No, I don't. What the hell is wrong?" Tucking the phone between my ear and my shoulder, I unlocked my patio door. Sliding it open, I was immediately hit with the obnoxious, crisp wind of that 4am September air.

"Everything's fuckin' wrong, Angel! Everything!" He exclaimed in between cries. 

"Are ya drunk? I'm so confused-" I asked curiously, sitting down on one of my patio chairs I had yet to bring in before the winter starts. 

"Yeah I'm fuckin' drunk! I went out tonight to celebrate a radio deal I just got but I fuckin- I just kept thinkin' 'bout you and how excited you would be, and how proud ya always said ya were of me and I just- I miss you so fuckin' much, Angel!" His once weak cries quickly exacerbated into loud ones. Perching my heels onto the ledge of my chair, I hugged my knees into my chest tightly to help shield me from the wind. "I fucked up everything! Everything was my fault and now ya just- Gone!" He yelled, his loud weeping beginning to cause my throat to burn as my saliva thickened. "Ya left, you left me and now I ain't know what to fuckin' do with myself anymore, Angel... I'm so fuckin' sad, everything inside me hurts and it's not getting any better. How is it so easy for you?! How have ya just moved on?!" 

"Marshall, I haven't-" I quickly interjected, my voice sounding hoarse and broken. 

"I can't even fuck another chick in our bed! I've tried! I can't, Angel! But you just- Continue on with life like it ain't a thing and I don't know how ya do that-" 

"I don't!" I exclaimed sadly, unintentionally speaking over him.

"Ya told me you loved me! You told me you was ride or die-" 

"I do! I am!" 

"Nah, 'cause you left like it was nothin' to you, like I was nothin' to you-" 

Shaking my head, I felt as tears began to trickle down my cheeks. "Marshall, that's not true-" I said quietly.

"Yes it is, Angel!" He cried. 

"No it isn't! Marshall, leavin' you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do-" 

"Then why the fuck did you?! Just to watch me suffer?! Teach me a lesson?!"

"Baby, you're sick!" I yelled desperately, goosebumps growing on my skin as a large gust of wind blew through the trees. 

"Even if that was true, I woulda never fuckin' done to you what you did to me!"

"Marshall, what else was I supposed to do?!" 

"Stay with me!" He yelled.

"And watch you kill yourself?!" I yelled back, earning a large period of silence to fall upon us where the only thing that could be heard was both of us sniffling and trying to regain at least a little bit of composure. 

After a few long moments, I listened as a difficult sounding swallow came from him. "Do you remember... The first time we broke up, I came by your house and ya told me it felt like I had broken your spirit?" He paused briefly, waiting for me to respond but I never did. "That's what you've done to me, Angel. I hate myself... You've made me hate myself. All I do is sit 'round, get high, and be miserable. I think 'bout you constantly... I have this memory, that's apparently just burned into my fuckin' brain of you when you were pregnant. It was August, so you was like... Six months along, I guess, and all you was doin' was just sittin' in the kitchen, readin' a fuckin' baby book or somethin', but I walked in... And you just got this biggest, most beautiful smile on ya face, and I remember thinkin' like- Damn. I'm so fuckin' in love with this girl. She makes me feel things I swear to god I ain't never fuckin' felt before. Like you had been showin' me what it was like to be loved unconditionally, regardless of any of the bullshit, but then... Ya just took it away." 

"Marshall, I never  took it away, I still love you so much it fuckin' hurts. I'll always love you-" 

"Then show me. Come back to me, Angel. You have the power to fix all this shit-" 

Shaking my head, I swiped my palm over the few rogue tears that were left on my cheeks. "I don't, Marshall. You do. Get clean and I'll come back home. That's all you have to do."

"Nah, nah 'cause I ain't dealin' with this bullshit again. Ya say you love me unconditionally, but then ya put conditions on it. Either ya wanna be with me, or ya don't, Angel. Pick a fuckin' lane." 

"Marshall, I do love you unconditionally, but I can't be with you unconditionally. My love for you is ride or die, not my relationship status."

He paused for a few moments. "Aight." He croaked, almost as if he was on the verge of tears again. "Well then it's a good fuckin' thing you left." Immediately, the line went dead and I was left with nothing but wet cheeks and a re-shattered heart. Oh well. I don't think it was ever fully mended anyway. 

Going back inside, I took myself to bed for the second time tonight. As the mattress shifted under me, I heard as Jayceon gasped, his eyes flying wide open as his body instinctually jerked itself back a few inches. "Fuck, ya scared me." He rasped.

"Sorry." I mumbled, bringing the covers over me as I sunk down into the soft, warm sheets. 

"Who was that on the phone?" 

"Marshall." 

He nodded, an empathetic look taking over his tired features. "You aight?" 

"No." I shook my head lightly. Immediately, without saying a word, he wrapped a strong arm around my torso, pulling me into him so my back was flush with his front. Burying his face deep into the back of my hair, I knew he was trying his best to comfort me, and while it definitely helped, I don't know if I could ever be fully comforted after hearing Marshall like that... After hearing my man like that.