Queen Bee

May 2008 (1)

A/N: Hey! I would just like to preface this chapter by saying I didn't realize how many Nicki fans I had reading my story until a short while ago hahaha so I truly apologize if I offend anyone, I've had all of these chapters written for a hot minute BUT the Lil' Kim/Nicki beef is one of the most interesting in my opinion, and I felt like it definitely needed to be included considering the Lil' Kim/Foxy beef was never spoken about in Gangstress. Anyway, I hope all the Nicki fans can understand, I promise I mean no harm :)

Being back home for a few days, I honestly really didn't like it. I didn't like being away from Marshall anymore, and I quickly realized, I was becoming attached to him again. If I'm not already, that is... But the thought of being attached to him again, is both the most terrifying and amazing feeling I've felt in a long fuckin' time. 

It's terrifying because how the fuck wouldn't it be?! He broke my heart. Over, and over, and over again. He's said and done the worst things to me that, I would argue, could ever be done to a person. He's destroyed my self worth, my dignity, my spirit, my soul... But he's also been a main component in mending it all back together. It's a fucked up cycle. It's sick, and it's twisted. Sometimes I even wonder if maybe I just have a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome... But I don't think so. 

An individual with Stockholm Syndrome would have the belief that they couldn't live without that certain person. I don't. I know I am more than capable of living without Marshall, I have for many years before him, and I will for many years after him if required. But the difference is, I don't want to have to live without him. He's my man, he's always been my man. Why would I let that go if I don't have to? Why would I ever attempt to live without him if I don't have to? I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I always told myself if he were to ever get clean, if he were to ever change, I would run back to him in a heartbeat. And I did. Sure, one could argue that maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have just let him deal with it on his own since he's the one who put himself in that position to begin with, and while I once agreed with that thought process, I don't anymore. Everything I did, I did it for me. I did it for Marshall. I did it for Des. So at the end of the day, I don't care if anybody agrees with it. I agree with it. And that's all that could ever matter. 

Arriving back home from having dropped Des off at school, I gently pulled my phone from my purse, heading towards the kitchen to hopefully make myself something to eat that wasn't just cereal or toast. 

To: Marshall 

"Just dropped Des off at school. I miss U :("

Shooting off my first text of the day to Marshall, I threw my phone down onto the island as I began searching endlessly through my fridge, waiting patiently for Marshall's response. I don't know what's been up with us recently, but ever since I came back home, we've been texting everyday, pretty much all day. Before, when I lived in Detroit, we would send maybe two or three texts a day on average to each other. But not now. Now it feels almost as if we just can't get enough of each other, and not even in a sexual way. But in an emotional one. I want to talk to him. I want to know how his days going. I want to hear what he had for dinner that night. I almost feel like I'm a teenager texting their crush, but I love it. 

Sighing to myself as I decided to just settle on eggs and fruit, I pulled all of the necessary ingredients from the fridge. Laying the egg carton and a box of strawberries down on the counter, I noticed as my phone finally lit up. 

From: Marshall 

"I miss U 2 baby. U look beautiful 2day." 

Feeling my heart begin to quite literally melt, the skin over my cheeks turned hot. 

To: Marshall 

"U don't know that."

From: Marshall