Queen Bee

August 2006 (1)

It's been a few months since Angel left again... Well, longer than a few months. Two months and 14 days to be exact, which now officially makes it four months and three days since Proof died. And let me tell you, not one fuckin' second of it has been easy. I thought when Angel left, I'd be fine. I mean, I had been relatively fine right up until she went back home. So, I just figured that I was doing okay with it. I knew I was sad of course, Proof's my best fuckin' friend! But I didn't realize I was sad like this... Not until she left. I guess, now that I'm looking back on it, maybe Angel just gave me a distraction. Maybe she was just able to occupy my mind long enough that I didn't have to think too hard about everything... Or maybe she really was just that comforting for me. I don't know. But whatever it was, I just really fuckin' want it back. 

Ever since she left, my mind has been nothing but darkness, I feel almost as if I'm just in a constant state of grief and depression. Like I really might never get the fuck outta this. Honestly at this point, I haven't seen anyone besides the kids for almost a month straight. I can't. I don't have the energy too. The only thing I truly have enough energy for right now is just to uncap that little orange plastic bottle. That's it. And I'm really starting to feel it take a toll on me. The boys keep calling me, asking me to hang out at least once a week, but I quite literally can't bring myself to even get out of bed. Paul keeps calling me, always askin' me stupid fuckin' questions like how I'm doin' and if I'm okay. No I ain't fuckin' okay, but why would I ever tell him that?! It ain't none of his god damn business how I'm doin', and if he really cared about me at all, he'd just leave me the fuck alone. All I want is space right now, but no one can seem to fuckin' understand that! It's exhausting, and it makes me angry. But at the same time, it's almost like I'm so exhausted that I have no more anger left in me. So instead of acting how I usually do and telling everyone to fuck off and leave me alone, I just ignore them. I ignore them 'cause it's easier, and like I said before, I truly just don't have the energy anymore. 

Today though, was even harder than normal. And it was harder, 'cause it was Angel's birthday. As pissed off as I was at her when she left, it was truly just more hurtful than anything. I do one million percent believe she led me on, and that's what really hurts. She knows my feelings for her. She knows the love I have for her. How quick I am to just always let her back in, and I feel like she used it to her advantage. She felt guilty about Proof, and flew down here to use me in her own sick and twisted game of making herself feel better about everything that had happened. Not only between me and her, but between her and Proof. The shitty part is is that while that's true, I still fuckin' love her. And I still fuckin' miss her. And it makes it even worse 'cause while I've always been missing Angel, now I have my own goddamn best friend to miss as well. It just feels like at this point, I'm forever living in a state of loss. I lost Angel, then I lost Proof. Fuck, I even lost Kim somewhere along the line too! It just feels like constant abandonment at this point, and it kills me. But you know what will never abandon me as long as I live? Drugs. The pills. Those little tablets will never leave my fuckin' side. They wont ever leave me, they wont ever die on me, nothing. They're eternal. They're unconditional. And if I can't ever find stability anywhere else, I can always find it through them.  

Staring mindlessly at the TV, I felt as my brain was quite literally starting to turn to mush. Having downed about forty-five pills throughout the entire day, I was almost in a completely vegetative state. My heavy eyes struggling to stay open, every muscle in my body completely relaxed. Honestly, it felt as if I was in heaven. The only thing better than this state, I personally think, would be death. 

Watching as the pictures flickered across the screen, music video after music video played, quickly reminding me of how much of a true piece of shit I am. I haven't released a full, real album in damn near two years. And honestly, I don't even want too. That's what makes it so much worse. I wanted to rap my entire life, even as lil' kid, I always wanted to rap. And now here I am, the entirety of the rap world at my fingertips, and I don't wanna do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. It takes too much out of me. If I don't even have enough energy to fuckin' talk to Denaun, I sure as shit don't have enough energy to record.