Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

An Afternoon Promenade

I woke in the morning smiling, my heart light and my mind completely transported. Marie took one look at me and declared me completely impossible, buttoning me up into my most conservative dress for the Divine Service being held in the lounge. It had a high lace neck, held in place by a large brooch, and normally I would have begged for something looser for it felt like it was choking me, but I found I just didn't care. After the Divine Service I could return and change for my afternoon promenade with Will, fussing about my dress now was pointless. The service was tolerable, barely, and I found myself staring at a clock and begging it to run faster. It took Mother reaching for my hand as she rose to realize that we were to sing a hymn.

The hymn was familiar to me, almost eerily so. Eternal Father, Strong to Save was a mariner's hymn, and I had heard it sung often. At church, at the launching of a new ship for our business, at funerals of sailors who had died during the trips they made. The lyrics were familiar, a source of pride, sadness, or simply a desire for the ones on the waves to be safe. The words suddenly took on a new meaning for me though, as I considered Will. He would be away often, on the sea to earn his keep, and I would not know anything until I got a letter or a telegram. He could be ill, shipwrecked, or a hundred other things, and I would be none the wiser.

Part of me thought to offer him my support, that I would pay for him not to go out. But I had seen Father crumple when Mother had put her foot down, forbidding him further voyages until his health had returned. He would linger whenever one of our ships left after that, watching her go until she was beyond the horizon. He always walked home slowly after that, head hung low. I could not imagine that for Will, let alone that his pride would let me be the support of him. He would want to go out, to prove himself and provide for me.

I laced my fingers together as I sung, praying for a merciful God to look on the man I had come to care for and protect him. "O hear us when we cry to thee, for those in peril on the sea." I prayed for protection for him from any harm, for God to see the truth of my feelings and guard him when I could not. I prayed for Will to come back to land safely every time he left, and even if our courtship failed, I would still pray for him. He had lost much already, he should have a future better than his past. I was almost fervent in my whispered prayers, which continued on after the service ended.

Mother slowly drew me to the side, away from the rest of the worshippers who were slowly filing out. "I had wondered when you would realize it."

My prayers ceased, and I wiped at tears I could feel spring to my eyes. "How could you stand it, when Father would leave? To know nothing? To keep on going to parties and acting as if the everything is alright when he could be ill or wrecked on some island?" I did not voice the thought that I had dwelled on, that Will could be dead and I would have no way of knowing. I could be visiting a friend and chatting over tea when he breathed his last. I knew that it was foolish, that those events happen so randomly that it was not callous to be performing some task unaware of what was taking place, but my mind kept coming around to it.

Mother drew me down to her, letting me lean on her. I could smell the lavender water in her hair. "It comes to all women who love a sailor. You pray to God and do your best to make sure that when he leaves you have set everything to rights. But it never gets easier."

"Surely you could have kept Father at home, kept him safe? There has to be something we can do to keep them home, where we can care for them."

"In his younger days your Father was barely home for a month at a time, always racing off to some new port or finding a new ship to sail. I knew when I married him that I could not change that, that I would share him with the sea. Even when I was pregnant with you he would set off, coming back with some little gift and a promise to stay longer. But he would always go back, and I would watch him leave." She brushed my hair back from my face, drying my eyes with her sleeve. "But I knew I loved him far more than he loved the sea, and that he would come back. I refused to consider any other option. And so will you. Pray for Mr. Murdoch as much as you like, but you will never be rid of those thoughts. You must be stronger than them."