Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

Dragged Kicking and Screaming

I spent the first day it seemed doing nothing but bawling my heart out, clutching Mother tight as she soothed me as best she could. Everything that had happened, how sad and lonely I had been, how my hopes of a child had been dashed, came pouring out of me in an endless flood. She let me go on, only speaking once I had run out of words. "Oh, my dear, I had no idea how bad it was. I knew you would be unhappy to have William leave, but this is beyond that."

I sobbed softly against her, "And my baby, my poor little baby. I did something, I just know it."

"Now that, you did not." She pulled me upright at that, "And you were more than likely not pregnant."

My cries died in my throat, "But my monthly."

"Yes, yes, I know. You haven't had it since Newport. But my dear, think of everything that's happened since then. The war, William leaving, it can have an effect on you. More than likely all the worry and stress caused it to be late, not that you were pregnant."

"But-"

"You were not sick, you didn't have any cravings, and you are far too skinny." She leaned back, taking me in. "You haven't been eating, have you?"

"No."

"But you've been drinking."

I ducked my head, "Yes, it's been hard!"

"And more than likely you haven't gone to the docks or had any visitors."

"Well," I shifted in my seat. "The reverends came by, curious about why I hadn't been at church."

"I hope you told them you'd come." Mother gently drew me up. "Although you'll need better clothes for that. How long have you been wearing those?"

"A few days, I don't know." I let her pull me along. "There just hasn't been any reason to dress properly."

"Well, there will be soon enough." Mother stopped outside my rooms, opening the door and ushering me through. "For now, you're going to get cleaned up and fed." She looked to Louise, smiling. "See that Anastasia takes a proper bath, washes her hair and is dressed for dinner."

"Of course, ma'am." Louise bobbed a curtsy.

"And do not let her wiggle her way out of this." Mother turned, looking at my room. "And see the curtains stay open, I'll have some flowers brought."

"I can send for the flowers from Mr. Vanderbilt." Louise offered, already moving for the curtains.

Mother looked to me, a brow raised. I shrugged, looking away. "He and Liz came over to discuss wedding plans, Liz bought too many flowers so he's been sending them to the house to get rid of them."

"I see," Mother sniffed, "Those can be brought, but also send out for some. And be sure to air out a dress for her, we'll be going shopping tomorrow."

Louise at least kept herself to smug little smiles as she helped me out of my clothes, I don't know if I could have stood for comments at this point. Fortunately she knew how I liked my bath, although she refused to leave the room. Instead she helped scrub my back, ran her fingers through my hair and massaged the shampoo in. I had to admit it did feel nice, and I didn't even mind when she started talking as she dried my hair.

Slowly, I let myself be drawn into conversation about what kind of hairstyle I would prefer for dinner. She was of the opinion that something light and airy would be just the ticket, and I allowed her to sweep it up into a delicate style. Then it was my dress, not the tea gowns I had been wearing for days, but a tailored light gray wool that made my hair shine. But she paused before opening the door for me, a smile on her face. "Just a moment, ma'am." She darted to a trunk, coming back with a packet. "These arrived this morning, I thought you might like to read them after dinner."