Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

Memories

Will woke early, not that he had gotten much sleep the night before. Everything had come rushing back up there outside the bridge, and Haddock had seen him lose himself, which made it all the worse. It had all started so simple, Herbert joking with him while they sipped their coffee. "You know, the gossip made its way through the line when you got engaged. For awhile the captains were having to remind their officers not to fraternize beyond what was appropriate with the first class ladies."

He had started. "Sir, I can assure you I did nothing beyond-"

"I know you didn't William, you've never been the type to flaunt the rules. I believe that's Lightoller's duty. But really, it is a surprise to see you among the passengers. I hope you don't mind me saying, but you look rather ill at ease around them. I know part of that is due to your current circumstances, but you seem to be having a hard time." Haddock had lit both their cigars at that point, and Will had ducked his head. It was hard with all those first class passengers enjoying a happy and carefree crossing, while he tried to do the same. For awhile, it had worked. When he had focused on Ana he hadn't thought about his mother, but now he could feel it eating at him.

Will had spoken slowly, unwilling to voice his grief and had focused on the foibles of first class instead. "It is hard, sir. I wasn't born to it like most of them, but Ana is a great help. She's the most wonderful woman, and has always been beside me to support me."

"She seems like a kind woman, and beautiful. And rather funny, in a rather frank sort of way."

"Ana is quite unlike the other ladies in some ways, and yet so like them in others. One time when she came to see me she worked her way across." He had smiled at that, Ezekiel had told him the story and they'd shared a laugh over it.

"Really?"

"Yes, although I haven't seen her covered in coal dust, I have it in good authority she was down with the firemen for part of it. She was an able deckhand on her yacht during the summer."

"Well, I won't allow her to take a trip down to our boilers. Unless you two have some memory from down there you'd like to revisit?"

"No sir, it was only the bridge, the first class areas and the promenade deck."

"Well, there's no need for you two to spend your time up here, I'm not sure you have many pleasant memories to think about here." Haddock hadn't meant to bring up anything negative, Will knew that. The captain didn't know that Will had felt his heart drop as he looked out into the cold night and watched the weak moonlight reflect off the waves. Will was vaguely aware that Haddock was by him, shaking his arm and talking. "William? Will? What is it? Answer me, damn it!"

But the air was so cold, and he was right here, on the railing, looking out ahead of the ship. There was something out there, he knew it and it was coming. He couldn't tear himself from the railing, because it would be pointless. No matter if he rushed into the bridge and took command of the wheel himself, the ship would still wreck. He would still ruin it, more people would die. Ana would die because of him, and he-

A sharp whistle broke through his thoughts, something that didn't happen that night. He didn't have a whistle to blow then, not until later, and then Ana was there. Oh, of course, they weren't in any danger. Not now, not while he was away from the helm. So long as he wasn't on watch, they would be safe. So he let Ana lead him back to bed, and he clutched at her all night. Ana hadn't been naked in his bed that night, and the warmth of her flesh under the blankets was a far sight from the cold he had remembered. He'd kept his hand where he could feel her heartbeat all night, just to reassure himself that she was still there. When she stirred in the morning, he was already awake and he pressed a dozen kisses to her. "Ana, Ana, thank God for you."