Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

Worrying

Sophie left three days later, Zachary arriving in a car to take her home. We had a bit of standoff outside the house, none of us willing to go down the steps, and him unwilling to climb them. So instead I gave Sophie a hug, kissed Adam's forehead and told her that they were welcome back anytime. Zachary didn't say anything to us, but he did hold out his hand to assist Sophie down.

She gave me a wave from the window as they drove off.

Everything seemed off back at the house, even through we had only lost three people. But it seemed no matter where I went there was something that affected me. The parlor was quieter, the dinners smaller, and I didn't hear steps in the hallway at night as someone walked with Adam until he fell back asleep. I knew what it was, but thinking about it made me more miserable.

I missed having a baby around.

I didn't miss the messes and crying, but I missed when Sophie would go to take a nap and I could hold him, enjoying the fresh smell of him and the little noises he would make. I missed the one time that he woke up in my arms, his eyes glassy until he noticed me and I could see him recognize me. I wanted a baby, I wanted to have a little boy of my own to hold and care for.

I had stopped by Sophie's rooms today just to see if she had left anything behind that we needed to send over. She hadn't, but I had lingered over the crib that was still there. It was a beautiful little thing of soft yellow pine, sanded and varnished to that it shone in the light coming through the windows. I didn't even notice that Mother had come in until she had placed a hand on my shoulder, her voice soft. "I was thinking of moving it, but I have no doubt we'll need it up here sometime soon."

The slight pain in my gut, what remained of the cramps that had heralded my dashed hopes from two days ago, pained me all the more at that. I shook my head, "Sometime, I'm going out for a walk. I'll be back before dinner."

Rigel was already waiting for me at the door, for I had been walking quite a bit. Even with the cramps I couldn't stay in that house for very long, because it felt like every room held something to remind me of my failure thanks to my memories of Adam. Will had been kind and loving, he had been doing everything he could to bring our hopes to life but he was not the problem, I was.

I angrily kicked the sand as I made my way down to the end of the cove, turning around to walk the length of it. What was wrong with me? I wanted a baby, I wanted to cuddle my own child and have Mother enthuse over her grandchild. I did my best to keep healthy, I exercised and did my best to eat well. I didn't do anything that might risk a child, like riding a horse or riding in fast cars.

I didn't keep my husband from my bed, aside from one week a month.

My monthly made me feel disgusting, not just the pain though. It was always a reminder that I had failed for the past month, even though Will always assured me that he didn't care. But I cared, I cared that the closest thing we had to a child was Rigel. I cared that there was some part of being a wife that I wasn't good at. I could throw a party, entertain friends and care for my husband, but I just couldn't do this.

Rigel trotted ahead of me as I moved past the lighthouse, striking out across the other end of the beach, the end that we didn't own. I gave a brief thought to going into the lighthouse, climbing up and looking out over the ocean, but I wanted to move. I wanted to walk and walk until I was exhausted and returned home hungry. I wanted to walk to the point where I couldn't think anymore, because the house had not just been different because of Sophie leaving, but because of some guests who had been calling.

Some of the men from the party had visited today, asking to speak with Will about what he thought might happen.

He had tried to be considerate of me and direct the conversation elsewhere, but they had been so insistent that eventually I had excused myself and left them alone. Of course, I still could hear some of what they said. Will was quite confident in the Royal Navy, and in the ability of Britain's diplomats to smooth over what had happened. But then the men had brought out papers and they'd fallen into a discussion that made it seem certain that there would be some kind of conflict based on what was being reported.