[1] Let It All Out (Vent/Reklamo)

I don't think I'm meant to be a mother

I don't think I'm meant to be a mother.

Sorry if this post will be heavy, I just needed an avenue to let out what I'm feeling....

I'm a mother of two, my oldest child is on the spectrum.

I was having a conversation with my mom and sinabihan niya ko na nakukulangan siya sa time and attention na binibigay ko sa ausome child ko. Na observe niya daw nung kasama namin siya.

Just for context, nag bakasyon kami sa Pinas for 1 month ng family ko and dun kami nag stay sa parents ko.

I feel so much pain. Yes, I admit nung nag bakasyon kami mabibilang lang sa kamay kung ilang beses kami nag study ng anak ko. Mas nag focus ako on making the vacation memorable.... nag focus ako sa sarili ko..... sa happiness ko.... it's been 2 years since we last left the Philippines.

Parang ang unfair. I'm angry. I'm hurt. Hindi pa din pala enough yung akala ko na sapat na. Before we left for vacation sobrang saya ko pa kasi maganda ang feedback ng therapists sa anak ko so yung everyday na ginugugol kong oras sa kanya eh worth it. Hindi pa din pala....

Dapat kapag ina hindi mo na i pprioritize sarili mo kahit gaano ka ikli pa yang "break" mo. Nakakabaliw na. Maybe I was not made for this. Hindi talaga ko deserving maging ina, hindi ko kaya 'tong role na 'to. Para akong kinakain ng buhay, yung mga times na I feel uplifted and good about my parenting hindi tumatagal so maybe there is really something wrong with me and no matter how hard I try it will NEVER be enough.

Sorry mommies, ang hirap. Ang sakit. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm just typing from emotions. Thank you for finding time to read and listen to me.

▪︎2023▪︎