[1] Let It All Out (Vent/Reklamo)

MY DOMESTIC ABUSE STORY

MY DOMESTIC ABUSE STORY
***Trigger Warning: Domestic & Sexual Abuse content
**** Trigger Warning: NAPAKAHABANG POST po, pero sana mapagtyagaan ninyo.
I'm sharing my own story with the prayer that it will help, somehow, someone who may need encouragement and to raise awareness by being another voice who had broken her silence about this social malady.
My former husband and I met through our social circles online. He was abroad, but immediately booked a flight two months after I said yes to a relationship with him. He was in his mid-40's, and had recently been divorced. I was in my mid-30's and single. I would say that the two of us were an 'it couple' amongst our friends - we were smart, held leadership positions in an organisation we both belonged to, and not bad looking. Everything seemed perfect, but unknown to many people, the relationship was already littered with red flags from the very start which I chose to ignore because I was too "in love" and held on to my belief that you take the good with the bad in loving someone. Hopeless romantic lang ang peg.
Examples of red flags I endured during the gf/bf stage:
1. Because we had a LDR, we fell into a pattern of being on Viber all the time - 24/7, even when we were sleeping, taking showers, or whatever. Yes, were were on Viber calls even when we were out with friends, or doing our grocery shopping, or even when working.
2. He would give me the cold shoulder every time we would argue about something until I'd give up and just apologize and beg him to talk to me already. He refused to sit and talk and deal with the issue.
3. Whenever he would say something sexist, misogynistic or downright offensive and I'd call him out for it, he would turn the tables and accuse me of not having sense of humor, or of being prissy and not being able to take a joke.
4. He likes to play mind games, ie: After a routine health check, he informed me that he was diagnosed with the "Big C", of course I cried endlessly for hours and was so devastated. While crying and feeling all the feels, he suddenly blurted out that he was just kidding and just wanted to know how I would react. Also he said that the "Big C" may not always mean "cancer".
5. I accidentally opened Safari browser on his laptop, which I borrowed from him for a quick email check before our trip that weekend, and popped into a different Facebook account. He saw me see it, I did not confront him immediately because we were on a weekend getaway, and he did not offer any explanation either. He just acted like it was nothing. It was one of the worst weekend getaway experiences of my life because I was feeling very betrayed the whole time.
By the 2nd year of our relationship, we've had so many fights, but also really great memories together as he made sure he'd travel to the country every 6 months to be with me for a month. In quite a few of those fights, he would go off the grid for days at a time - his phone was unreachable and my messages were ignored. I’d spent countless hours staring at my messages willing that Viber double check icon to turn purple. This was also the time when he started having health issues - both physical and mental health. He lost his job, his ex-wife filed a child support case against him kasi they have 2 kids na hindi nya nasusuportahan since nawalan sya ng work, he was living in a mobile home and was on social welfare pension.
In the 3rd year, we were on a roller coaster. He “attempted suicide” twice this year - the first one while we were arguing via Facetime and the 2nd once after I broke up with. When the 2nd attempt happened, a mutual friend had informed me and had asked me to get in touch with him. I refused. So I received a barrage of messages from him, begging me to take him back and all that melodramatic bs. I stood my ground.
Two months later (and 4th year since we started dating), I adopted my daughter. Word got around, and he came knocking and begging me to start over again, as a family. Maybe a new baby will do him a lot of good? Maybe this is what will push him to change for the better? Maybe everybody deserves second chances? Maybe this is the start of the family that I have always dreamed of building for myself? So many maybe’s, I dove right in.
Because of his situation, I never demanded for support. I was raising my baby, working full time from home and managing our home all by myself. He would send $30 here and there, but it was never something I could depend on. This was 2016, $30 can never really take you that far with a baby. Pero sige lang, kahit lagi akong sinasabihan ng mga friends ko na sa lahat ng may “foreigner”, ako lang daw ang walang sustento.
When our daughter turned 2, he struck gold. I will not give too much details na how kasi baka may nakakakilala sa amin dito, pero basta life changed - for him mostly siempre, pero naambunan naman kaming mag-ina ng biyaya. Lumaki na yung $30, minsan nagiging Php5000 na, minsan more than that. Nakauwi na din sya ulit ng Pinas, at finally na-meet nya ang daughter namin in person. He bought me a second hand car also para hindi na daw kami nagco-commute mag-ina when I need to run errands or go somewhere.
The downside, mas lalo sya naging controlling. He had to know everything that was going on when he was not in the country. Kapag nandito naman sya, we were tied at the hips. He was wherever I was - even when I was at work. Btw, around this time also, naging government employee na ako. So yes, kapag nasa office ako, nasa office ko din sya, makaupo sa corner sofa at naghihintay sa akin, looking very bored and very out of place. Many times kinausap ko sya about this, pero ang laging tanong nya sa akin was “sino ba ang nagpupunta sa yo sa opisina mo, bakit ayaw mong makilala nya ako?”. He would also r**e me, kapag ayaw ko makipag-s**, pinupuwersa nya ako physically or kapag tamad syang makipag-wrestling e di nya ako tinitigilan kulitin hanggang sa bumigay nalang ako kesa mawalan ng chance na magpahinga.
But man, looking back now, I realized na yung lowkey na pag-accuse nya sa akin na nakikipagkita ako sa iba has been going on for YEARS - paiba iba lang ng version. Kapag na offend ako, sinasabi nya lang I can’t take a joke - so yes kasalanan ko pa. It got to the point na naging manhid na ako, so ini-ignore ko nalang sya.
Then, HEAR THIS… We got married. Opo, I still walked down that aisle. And in less than a year, the abuses became worse. He started accusing me of stealing from him, of having an extra-marital affair, of giving his money away to my supposed boyfriend, of being maluho - basta kung oobserve mo lahat ng nirereklamo nya lang may kinalaman lahat sa pera “nya”. I never stopped working even when he told me several times that I didn’t have to work a day in my life anymore, so I have my own money. I cannot steal from him too dahil wala akong access sa bank account nya. Wala kaming joint savings account. I only have access to money that he gives me na para sa household budget. I still spend my salary to pay for some of our utility bills, groceries and marketing expenses.
In one of our arguments, I attempted to probe kung bakit wala akong access sa bank account nya and magkano ba talaga ang pera nya. He screamed to my face “because I do not trust you!”
And the shouting matches became even more frequent, the paranoia mas naging malala. Nakikita ng anak ko lahat, and this was not what I wanted for my daughter. I grew up in a home with parents who fought all the time when I was young, I didn't want that for my daughter. Sabi ko kukuha lang ako ng tyempo, but there was an incident na nakita ko ang anak ko na nagtago na sa likod ng curtains... It devastated me...
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I finally woke up from an 8 year dream-slash-nightmare and dug up the courage to stand up for myself. I took my daughter and we fled, promising myself that I will never step foot in that house again ever.  I filed a VAWC case against him - verbal and psychological abuse and we moved to a different city to start fresh. We only had each other, a few hand-me-down clothes, a laptop and my “tibay at tapang ng dibdib” ika nga. Mabuti nalang, hindi ko ni-let go yung mga part time outsourcing gigs ko. Nagstart kami by renting a room for P3500/month. Then I worked on finding a full time work from home client so that I wouldn’t have to deal with multiple clients anymore (less toxic lalo na at nagre-recover din ako from a broken heart) and para mas stable ang income. It took me 8 months to find a client that I am very happy with, nakalipat kaming mag-ina sa maayos na apartment, nakapag-pundar ako ng mga gamit namin, maayos ang buhay namin.
Alam ko na hindi din sya interesado magbigay ng suporta para sa bata. Remember, sabi nya “magnanakaw” ako, so most likely yan ang gagawin nyang rason. Paolo Contis style, ya know. Pero actually, that was my plan - to never have the need for him to provide financial support. So I never ask. I’m more at peace na putulin ko ang lahat ng anumang bagay that ties me and my daughter to him.
When my marriage fell apart, my ex-husband went on a smear campaign against me both online and offline. Drug addict daw ako, nanlalake ako, I was a nobody when he met me, pinulot lang daw nya ako sa tabi tabi, maghihirap daw kaming mag-ina at gagapang pabalik sa kanya dahil sa gutom, sinungaling daw ako at magnanakaw. He was such a good actor that almost everyone believed that he was the victim and I was such a femme fatale. I was too focused on rebuilding our lives that I refused to make patol to his smear campaign. Hindi ako nagsalita, I did not defend myself. Basta lumayo kami at nanahimik ako. Only my Mom and siblings knew what was going on sa amin mag-ina.
After a year, those people who joined him in his smear campaign and who believed in him, one by one, started sending me messages. Sila mismo, naexperience nila how abusive my ex was. How manipulative and narcissistic. And they apologized for believing in him.
I'm glad that we left when we did, nag-therapy kaming mag-ina but what a blessing to learn that my daughter came out of all of it unscathed. We left just before he inflicted too much trauma. Basta kapag kinukuwento nya, i-acknowledge lang at pakinggan. One year na din hindi kinukuwento ng bata ang mga nakita, narinig at naexperience nya. She is now enrolled in a Montessori school.

But most of all, I'm very happy and empowered dahil I proved to myself that I am stronger than I thought. That I am courageous. I am brave. I am WOMAN.
Sabi nga ni Kumareng Bea Alonzo and Kumareng Katy Perry, time is the ultimate truth-teller.

▪︎2023▪︎