R O L L I N G R E D •H.S•

❦61 • c h e r r y

• M O L L Y ' S J O U R N A L •

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Isn't it funny how life works? It has its own way of doing things. If it doesn't want you to fail, it allows you to succeed, and if you don't, it allows you to fail. It won't let you fail small though, no. It will make it life crushing, heart wrenching, soul breaking. It will take the stem of your cherry and tie the tightest knot with its tongue so you can never get it undone, no matter how hard you tug to unravel it. It's forever tied together.

Even if you have secrets that you've only shared with the universe, it won't respect you or thank you for trusting it, it will stab you in the back and tell the world the deepest, darkest secret that you've ever held. One that you'd take to your grave, only, by telling the universe, it digs your grave for you while you don't even notice. It will hand you the shovel to dig it yourself, and you'll gladly take it and start digging into the soil of the universe's heart, only to place yourself into its warmth. At first, it'll feel inviting, it'll feel warm and cozy. Almost like you're at home and you're laying on the couch under a blanket while the fire is going, only, it's not as welcoming.

It'll wrap its arms around your body and swallow you up without any warning. There won't be a warning sign, there won't be a trigger warning. You'll get sucked into the dust from a burnt out fire, only to realize later on that the smoke from the fire is the fire from within yourself. You'll pray that you find some sort of cold, something like ice, or maybe even ice itself, but not even that can put out the burning sensation that you have inside of you.

The cold can bite just as harshly, if not, more. Fire will burn you but ice will melt into your soul and sting. It'll feel like a thousand knives cutting you open, or even stabbing you, but it won't be in the same spot. No, the knife will stab you in every open space that doesn't already have an open wound.

And that's the messed up part about it, isn't it? How you trust the universe with your entire being, you give your heart and soul to it with open arms and share your deepest secrets with it; even love it more than you love yourself; just to get killed by it. It'll take your heart and burn it while it stabs your soul until you've bled out completely you're are nothing but a new spot in the soil. The universe's heart. But, even though it'll tear you down and hurt you, you still stick by it. You give your all to fall into the bliss of life. You grow up, you learn, make friends and even fall in love. You fall out of it just to fall back into it, and you do it all over again. Over and over again. Like a broken record on repeat.

The universe will wrap you up in the stem of your cherry and tie a knot around you with its teeth. So tightly, you won't even be able to breathe.

It won't kill you, you'll just feel like you can't breathe for a little while.

When you're having a moment of happiness, you bask in it and hold onto it with a death grip, one that will make your knuckles go white while you clench your jaw, because if you don't, the universe can easily take it from you and dig it's grave so it can eat it.

That's what the universe does.

If feeds off of us.

It eats us alive.

It eats us alive and swallows us whole after proving our loyalty and respect to it.

But that's life, right?

How does one have any respect or love when there is no trust involved?

Some might say that you can trust a stranger. Let's say you are at work and are in a meeting, but you don't know everyone that sits around the table. You see some faces and recognize them, but most of the people that are there are from different branches.

One man stands up and says, "I think we should throw a party to gather more clients, we could talk about our company and tell them what we do and what we're about when we talk to someone. We can invite other companies, invite their families and tell them to invite their friends who have friends, and tell them to invite them as well. We get a group of people to spread news around about us."

And of course, you agree and say, "I trust that will work." Because that's a good idea; right? So you trust it.

But because he's a stranger, you don't respect him, nor do have any loyalties towards him. Because you don't know him, so you don't trust him. You don't trust him but you trust his idea and pray that it will work.

I don't believe that.

I trust you, Harry.

I respect you.

I am loyal to you.

I may have lived through these with you at different times in our relationship, but I've had them all held closely to my heart.

I respected you the moment you showed me that you that you were willing to earn my trust and my respect for you.

I stayed loyal. Since the day I met you, that's all I have ever been to you. Loyal.

I have trusted you with my entire being. It may have taken some time to get there, but I eventually got there. I got there and I never went back.

Do you know how hard it is to tell myself that I can trust you when I don't feel like I can anymore?

Earlier today, Liz told me that you haven't been completely honest with me.

What are you hiding from me?