[BL] I shouldn't have married the crown prince

Chapter 87

"What? Has he been alive all this time?

-Yes.

-And you knew?

-Yes."

I sat up suddenly:

"How? Wait... The accident, were you the one behind it?"

Cadmael bit his lip before nodding.

"Cadmael! Have you been keeping him in your cave since then?

-Yes.

-That's horrible! I thought he was dead, I cried so much, I... And I can't imagine what he has been going through.

-I am not sorry, Eschyle. He hurt you. He deserved it."

I was speechless. I knew that Cadmael was dangerous but I had no idea how dangerous he really was. Seeing me frozen made Cadmael panic:

"Don't look at me like that, Eschyle. I beg you. I would never hurt you. He traumatized you and didn't feel an ounce of regret. He deserved punishment.

-But this is not punishment at this point. You are doing the same thing to him. What's the difference between you two?"

Now it was Cadmael's time to freeze and seeing him hurt made me sad strangely. I knew that he was in the wrong and I knew that this was very wrong but I still wanted to apologize and hug him. Was I blinded by love?

"I... I need some time to think on my own."

Cadmael swallowed loudly but he still smiled gently:

"I understand. Take all the time you need."

I didn't get up immediately, wanting to make sure that Cadmael was okay:

"I am not running away. I just need to think about it.

-I understand."

I really didn't want to leave but forced myself to get up. I did turn back one last time to look at him:

"Let him go. He suffered enough."

Cadmael opened his mouth to say something but he immediately closed it back before nodding:

"Whatever you want."

This was the last thing he said before I left the room. I had no idea where to go, realizing that every room of the Palace reminded me of Cadmael. I really needed somewhere calm and safe and decided to go for a walk. Of course guards accompanied me and I didn't object, worried that Cadmael would think that I was trying to run away otherwise. Moreover, I did feel better knowing that I was protected when those two people were in this world.

I started walking at random, letting my thoughts run wild. Deep down I knew what kind of person Cadmael was and he did tell me that he would punish my first life parents for a whole day. I wasn't any better than him because I authorized him to do so. Did I even have any right to be angry? Should I go see the Duke? Cadmael was right he did abuse me but that meant he should go to prison, not be tortured in secret.

Usually every time I had a problem I would rush to Cadmael but now he was the exact person I was trying to get away from. Who should I talk to? Gilbert wasn't in town and Diana was mourning her own father at this point. I really missed our tea times but I felt that calling her would be selfish.Therefore I just decided to go to my comfort place: books.

I found a tiny bookshop and hid behind shelves before sitting down on the ground. I thought that I would finally feel at ease but books started to remind me of Cadmael too. I remembered the times we read together and I really wanted to bring him here. He would have loved these books and we could have bought some together.