Timeless: Tayvis Oneshots

loml (excerpt)

a short bonus chapter from my book loml, set just after poppy's birth

Taylor's POV

"Some...where over the rainbow, way up high." I crooned to the baby in my arms, gazing down into her soft blue eyes. My blue eyes. "And the dreams that you dream of, once in a lullaby."

Tears welled up as I gazed down at my little girl, my Poppy. I couldn't believe I had a little daughter to call my own, even if our family was broken and disjointed. God it was so broken.

"Some...where over the rainbow, bluebirds fly." I kept singing, my voice choking and skipping a little, but I kept going. Poppy was a fussy baby and she always needed me to sing her to sleep, or else she'd be up for a long time. 

As I sang to the baby girl in my arms, my eyes started to drift around the room. Around the tiny apartment I'd moved into after leaving Travis. The empty apartment. I barely had anything.

Travis had begged me to stay with him, begged me to stay even if we weren't together so he could be around Poppy and I wouldn't have to struggle through life. But I'd refused. We had to work out a way to do this together in different houses because I couldn't be around him anymore after what he did. 

"Not sleep huh munchkin?" I sighed at the end of the song when Poppy was still wide awake staring up at me. "Okay." Lifting her up a little, I placed a kiss on her forehead. "I guess you'll just hang out with me a while longer then."

I heard a knock on the door, and tears automatically welled up in my eyes. I knew it was Travis, and I knew that I should turn him away, but I also knew that he was here for Poppy and I couldn't deny him that. So I got to my feet, Poppy in my arms, and went to open the door.

"Hey, hey T." Travis' eyes softened with sympathy when I opened the door. "How..."

"Can you not ask how I'm doing...please?" I cut him off. I really didn't want to have that talk with him again. It was always the first thing he asked. 

"Sorry." Travis swallowed. 

"Come in." I sighed. "She's not sleeping, so it's fine."

"Hey Popstar." Travis smiled down at our daughter, and I reluctantly passed her over as he moved inside. 

I closed the door and watched as Travis crooned to our daughter and she lit up, laughing and grabbing at his jaw. Over the last few months she'd learned so many physical movements and really showed her excitement when she saw Travis or me after being apart for a while. It was really sweet, but I wished that we didn't have to pass her between us like a relay race or something. It broke my heart. 

My eyes found Travis' face as he smiled down at Poppy, doting on her like he always did. He was an incredible father, but that was hard for me to see in the midst of my heartbreak. I just stood there, my arms wrapped around myself, aching at the sight of my family shattered and trying to hold itself together. I just wanted this to work for our baby girl. 

"Why don't you go take a nap T, you look exhausted." Travis said quietly, and I tuned back into the world to see him looking at me. "I'll be with her. You go lie down."

"Okay." I mumbled. I really was exhausted. Travis came over whenever he could to see Poppy since she was still too young to spend the night away from me, but he was busy with work and I'd been wearing myself to the bone recently. I didn't like to accept his help like this, but I needed it.

Leaving Travis and Poppy to each other, I trudged down to my little bedroom and almost fell into bed, crawling on top of the covers and squeezing my eyes closed. It only took a second for my mind to drift off, and I was asleep within a minute.

When I drifted back to consciousness again, I could feel something brushing against my shoulder. Peeling my eyelids back, I peeked through the hair that had fallen into my face to see Travis crouched next to the bed, pulling a blanket up over me. He wasn't looking at my face, so I gazed at him, trying not to let the emotions rise up.

"I'm gonna stay, okay T?" He whispered so quietly I could barely hear him. Talking more to himself than actually to me. "You look exhausted and Poppy seems pretty fussy so I'll hang out with her until you're back on your feet. I'm gonna sleep on the couch."

Tucking the blanket up even higher, Travis sighed and made to get up. But then he paused, and I saw his eyes drift upwards, so I quickly shut mine before he could tell I was awake. I tried not to gasp when I felt his fingers on my cheek, tucking my hair away.

"I miss you T." Travis choked out. "Fuck I miss you. I know you can't ever forgive me for what I did but I just wish things could go back to the way they were." He almost sounded like he was crying, and I almost flinched when his hand landed on top of mine. His skin was so soft and warm, and my heart reached out. "I love you T." Travis breathed. "I'll love you always."

Don't open your eyes Taylor. Don't respond. You can't let him back into your heart.

But I did let my fingers twitch against his, because I knew I moved around a lot in my sleep and responded to touch. Travis wouldn't be surprised by that. I let my fingers curl a little against his and he grasped back immediately, holding my hand. He didn't say anything, and I didn't move a muscle, just breathing slowly like I was asleep.

"T?" Travis eventually whispered. "You forget I know you. Just open your eyes please."

So I did. He did know me. He knew I was awake. I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"I didn't know what to say." I mumbled.

"I know." Travis squeezed my had. "I don't blame you for pretending to be asleep. But I just needed to see your eyes."

"Travis you know that part of us is long gone." I said. "You know that."

"I know." Travis blinked away a tear. "But you know you'll always be my girl."

I rolled away, taking my hand out of his and sitting up.

"Don't." I mumbled as I got out of bed.

"T."

"I said don't." I told him, pushing past and heading for the door to check on Poppy. "You can go now Travis. I'm fine with her."

"No you're not." Travis caught my hand.

"I said don't!" I shouted, yanking away and spinning around. Then I heard Poppy start wailing and sighed. "Fuck." I'd woken her. "Just..just go Travis. I don't need you here right now. Please."

He'd either listen to me or he wouldn't, so I turned back and rushed down to Poppy's room where she wailed fitfully in her cot. Reaching in, I lifted her up and cradled her to my chest, bouncing up and down a little as I tried to soothe her cried. 

Travis did leave, since when I left Poppy's a while later, the apartment was silent. I checked he'd locked the door, which he had, and then I went back to bed. But even though it was midnight, I couldn't sleep. I just lay there, one hand on my stomach.

I'd lost the baby weight so easily since I'd barely had time to eat in my first few months of being a mother, but my body hadn't gone back to exactly how it had gone before. And I was glad it hadn't. There was a change to my stomach that I liked to place my hand on whenever I got lonely, remembering what it had been like to have my baby Poppy there. She'd been such a good pregnancy, kicking gently to remind me that she was doing okay, and now she was sleeping in the other room.

"Fuck." I eventually sighed, getting up and grabbing my blankets and a pillow. Normally the baby would be the one with attachment issues, but this time it was me. I needed her.

Dragging my things down to Poppy's room, I lay it all down on the little mattress I kept pushed up against the wall on the floor. I needed her too often to drag my mattress back and forth, so I'd taken the spare from Mom's attic and put it there. It was easier.

I leaned over Poppy's cot to check on her, smiling to myself when I saw her sleeping peacefully. She looked like a little angel, and I leaned against the side, putting my chin on my hands. God, I often found it hard to keep going, but moments like these reminded me that it was all worth it. My little girl was all worth it.

"Sleep well munchkin." I breathed very quietly so I wouldn't wake her.