Timeless: Tayvis Oneshots

Untitled Part

tw

Taylor

The beads of deep crimson that bubbled up with the pass of glinting silver quicky curdled into rose, coral, and then faded away as the shower pounded a thunderstorm from above, slicking curls to my burnt pink skin. Every silent thing I had no other way of getting out now curled down my thigh, dripping, sliding onto the shower floor and clawing towards the drain before vanishing. 

I slumped against the shower wall, a clink far louder than it should have been reaching my ears as I released my fingers. A sigh brushed its way past my lips, relief, agony, so much more. My eyelids hid me from the world, letting me feel nothing but the sting and the heat. 

I should have known I wasn't strong enough to hold my own weight up alone. I'd never been. This was no different. Those feelings kept building and building and I'd covered them up with work and schedules and people until they had nowhere else to wait and had spilled out like vomit and attacked. I deserved to sit here, I deserved to know I couldn't be counted on for anything while the people I loved still thought I was fine because God I could never admit again that I'd fallen victim to the illness engrained so deep into my brain that it was simply a part of me by now and I couldn't live without it. 

It takes a certain kind of person to hide their demons behind a gorgeously stunning smile, one who no longer cares if they ever get better. Why should I put anyone through the pain of knowing I was suffering when it had happened before and it would happen again. They could only be there for me so many times and I hated the look on their faces when I admitted I'd let the darkness win again. I could keep this one inside. It wouldn't be the first. 

The stinging stopped. I reached for the blade again, wanting to stop the demons that were trying to claw their way out of my veins. One more, two more, and they subsided, letting me go as they crawled down my leg in bloody ribbons. The sigh of relief burst through again, a low thud sounding as my head fell back. Anything to make them stop, just for a little while. I wasn't strong enough anymore.

I only had so much time before I had to put my mask back on, plaster my face in light and sparkles and smiles and hide the evidence of my illness under carefully constructed garments that no one questioned. Who would question the girl who still showed her arms and thighs? They couldn't comprehend we had other patches of skin for our demons to carve their art.

I had many patches. Just mine, that only I knew about, and I stroked them with degrees of comfort and hatred one at a time. They all marked time in their own ways. My time. 

My stomach churned, threatening to scrape its way up my throat, but I slammed my chapped lips together. Not that too. I was already so broken down at the drain. I couldn't let that break me apart too. The sanguine was all I wanted now.

Letting it seep from my skin, I wondered who would really miss me if this was it. Guilt started to tear me apart even at the thought, but I wasn't sure the guilt would ever be enough to make me put it down. They'd never understand how hard I suffered every single day, because I had to be there for them and I couldn't be broken while I was trying to heal someone else. They needed me more than I needed myself.

But I was fighting a losing battle with my own mind.

I always had been.

I'll fight it until I lose.

Whenever that may be.