To Trust the Dawn

Chapter 59

Chapter 59

The first time I met his gray eyes in our seventh grade, I already felt strongly connected to him. I was in denial back then because it was uncanny and unfathomable. I considered it senseless. Sakit lang sa ulo. Walang katuturan kung malalim pa'ng pagnilayan. It wasn't just perhaps because we've already known each other since we were kids, it's probably because... of this.

I never though that it's this extreme and... terrible.

His father, his mother, and my... mother. Their past. His father and my mother's past. The horrible things his mother did just for the sake of satisfying her obsession. What my mother went through that mirrored his father's traumatic experiences. Everything that I discovered.

And the worst thing... we are here in this world for the same reason, plotted by the same devil—Anais.

Ang malaman lang na maraming beses na niyang pinagtangkaang kitilin ang sariling buhay ay nagpapabaliw na sa 'kin... ano pa kaya 'to? Ano pa kaya 'tong masakit na reyalidad na katulad ng akin na ilang taon din akong kinulong sa konsensiya? The truth about it terribly scarred my soul, and I would silently bleed every night... and knowing about this—that the man that I deeply love share the same reality as mine, doubled the wound that I got.

Hindi ko kayang isipin lahat ng pinagdaanan niya.

I didn't know that he's been calling for help for so many years. I didn't know that the guilt that he's been carrying in this world since the moment we fell apart was too heavy—heavy enough to kill him. Ang pinakamasaklap pa'ng katotohanan ay ang ina niya ang puno't dulo sa lahat, the woman whom he first loved and cared for.

Nagbalik sa ala-ala ko lahat ng kuwento niya tungkol sa ina. Kung gaano niya ito kagustong protektahan sa lahat ng pagkakataon, at kung gaano niya ito kamahal. And he ended up knowing that his love wasn't really reciprocated. Anais just conceived and birthed him to completely cage his father in marriage. He was alone all this time.

"H'wag mo 'kong iwan, ha?"

Napapikit ako nang marinig ang nanghihina niyang boses. Wala nang tunog ang mga hagulgol, tanging mahinang boses na lang na parang kung pasuko na... na parang huling alas niya para mapanatili ako.

We were still outside Father Aaron's house. I was still tightly hugging him because of fear... fear of imagining how he did it many times just to escape from the guilt. Ngayon ay alam ko na kung bakit masiyadong mabigat tingnan ang mga mata niya nang makita ko siya noong naninigarilyo sa France, sa harap ng condo namin ni Daphne. It wasn't solely because of his guilt upon hurting me.

Ako ang bumitaw mula sa yakap saka tumayo. It hurt to see him kneeling in front of me, kaya nang inabot ko ang kamay sa kaniya upang patayuin siya ay hindi ako direktang tumingin. I felt him reaching for my hand, until we were both standing again.

Kahit sobrang bigat ng araw na 'to, ngumiti ako sa kaniya nang kaunti. Bilang pambawi sa pinadama ko sa kaniya kaninang kalamigan. He looks astounded. Malinaw na malinaw ang namamaga niyang mga mata dahil sa lamppost na nasa tabi.

I stepped forward and held his hand. I didn't say anything, not assuring him with words because I was too weak from everything... I hope my actions would do it for me. Hinila ko lang ang kamay niya hanggang sa malapit na kami sa gate ng bahay. He wasn't also saying anything when he took the key from his pocket, and unlocked the gate.

We silently entered inside. Nang tingnan ko naman siya para i-check kung ano ma'ng reaksyon niya ay nag-iwas naman siya ng tingin. I felt that he's ashamed. Huminga ako nang malalim, mas'yadong pagod para magsalita. I just tightened my grip on his hand to assure him that there's nothing to be ashamed of.