To Trust the Dawn

Epilogue (Part Two)

Epilogue (Part Two)

Tw: abuse, mention of suicide, self-harm

It was really hard. I feel like my day isn't complete whenever I avoid Aurora from my sight. Halos lahat kasi ng sulok ng eskwelahan ay parang naiwan doon ang presensiya niya sa t'wing nakasasalubong ko siya. It seems as if she owns those spaces that it feels like disrespecting her ownership of them if I pretend to not desire kneeling before them.

Baliw na talaga ako.

"Tito... gustong-gusto ko po talaga siya. Why does it have to be her? Bakit sa wala pa akong pag-asa?" I penned my face against the table as tears began to cascade on my cheeks.

Remember that moment when I got scared that I might fall deeper to the point that I'll drink alcohol because of her? This is one of those moments after avoiding and trying to forget her.

Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kabigat. I got used to exchanging banters and barbs with her. I got used to seeing her annoyed face whenever I try to ruin her day. Mas okay lang pala sa 'king itaboy palagi kaysa ganito na hindi ko naririnig ang boses niya.

I heard Tito Aaron laugh. "You told me that it's just gonna be infatuation. Pero anong nangyari sa 'yo ngayon?"

Napabangon ako mula sa mesa at napatingin sa kaniya na parang tuwang-tuwang nakikita akong ganito. I looked away as embarassment swallowed me.

I was Grade 8 when we became close. Nahihiya pa kasi ako sa kaniya noong Grade 7 kaya mailap ako. It was my Mom's birthday when we first talked with each other in our mansion, invited kasi lahat ng relatives niya noon. That was also the time that he persuaded me to attend a seminar for altar-servers, hence, it was my history of being one. Nataon pa'ng parehong sakristan din sila Nathaniel at Caleb kaya naging madali ang pagsisimula ko dahil natuto na rin akong makipaghalubilo after I made friends with them.

Hindi pa siya ang pari na naka-assign rito sa parokya noon. I was happy when he was assigned here months ago already.

Whenever I cannot endure the agonizing silence at home, I always visit him in his house. Hindi rin naman ganoon kalayo ang bahay niya mula sa amin. Aside from my friends, sa kaniya rin ako nakakapag-open up ng tungkol kay Aurora everytime I get hurt by the uncertainty of holding her close to my heart.

After our afternoon class, dumiretso agad ako rito para mag-break down. First time namin ngayong mag-inuman. Hindi pa siya pumayag noong una dahil p'wede naman kaming mag-usap nang hindi nag-iinuman, but I insisted because I already bought some bottles before going here in his house para makasigurong hindi siya makakahindi sa 'kin.

"Gustong-gusto ko siya, Tito. Ibigay mo siya sa 'kin, please..." Para na akong tangang umiiyak nang bumalik ang ulo sa pagkakatungo sa mesa. "Please tell God to give me Aurora... He listens to our prayers, right?"

I heard his sigh. "Ivan, may mga bagay na kailangang tanggapin kahit gaano pa kasakit. Hindi rin lahat ng gusto natin ay makukuha natin. You need to learn how to accept. And yes, the Lord listens to our prayers, but when the things that we pray for aren't meant for us, we can't do anything but to accept because those things may not be part of His plan for us. Through accepting, He will start redirecting us to things that are destined for us to have, which in your case, to the person who He has planned for you to be with for the rest of your life."

Natahimik ako sa pagngawa at biglang napasinghot na lang. Napalunok ako dahil parang bigla siyang nag-homily. Gano'n na gano'n kasi talaga ang tono ng boses niya sa t'wing nagmimisa.

Bigla akong tinubuan ng hiya. I started wiping my tears. Parang tanga talaga.

"Oh, bakit ka tumigil?" Nagpipigil siya ng tawa nang makitang parang nahimasmasan ako sa ginawang pagngawang parang bata.