"You're a star now, welcome to the big league. They all wanna pic. They all wanna see what you're made of, what you're gonna do. Is life gonna get the best of you?"
(Written 12/5/15 - 2/20/17)
(Under editing from 2/21/17 - 6/27/17)
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I've been sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool for awhile now; drowning my thoughts out with sounds.
-self harm, more drugs, angst and depression. What's new?
February 14, 2020
I held myself under water in the corner of the pool. My hands were planted on the sides, the concrete roughly scraping my palms. My hair was flowing in the still water.
My lungs burned. Head and ears were pounding. I didn't care. My mind flashed back to the day I tried to drown in that hotel and Trevor pulled me out of the water. I was in Trevor's warm arms. Now it's cold and I'm alone and I all I wanted was him.
I could be found.
I could be saved.
If only he were here.
It got to the point where my brain forced me to take a breath and I pushed off the floor and to the top and gasped for air, drinking it in.
I walked through the living room while water dripped off my body. The TV was on but nobody was watching. News about me was on the TV and I could hear as I was walking to my room.
"What's going on with Alana De Santa? After being discharged from the hospital from a head injury, she seems to be on edge. She dyed her hair around 9:30 pm last night in a local LS barber shop and left in tears." I zoned out, unable to even care anymore.
My family was gone, which wasn't smart with someone in a mental state such as I. They all had lives of their own. Michael took my car keys so I couldn't leave and I was stuck here with nothing to do. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't tired. I wasn't happy. I wasn't myself.
To alleviate boredom, I went upstairs to Jimmy's room and found one of his bongs, still barely smoking from his recent hits. I quickly used it to calm down a bit. I took a deep breath and set the green bong back where I found it and just sat still on his bed for a minute. My eyes began to tear up. I remember a few times when Trevor and I got high together. He told me I could only do it under his supervision.
"Weed is childish," he remarked as i handed him the green pipe. I breathed smoke out into his face and he cut me off with a kiss.
"I can taste it on your mouth." He said against my lips. I giggled quietly and pulled him back into the kiss.
My cheeks were wet with fallen tears and I used my sleeve on the long sleeved t shirt I'd taken from Trevor long ago. I found the strength to push myself out of Jimmy's bed and out of the wet spot and went into the bathroom to take a shower. The first one I'd taken in 2 weeks due to lack of caring.
