"You're a star now, welcome to the big league. They all wanna pic. They all wanna see what you're made of, what you're gonna do. Is life gonna get the best of you?"
(Written 12/5/15 - 2/20/17)
(Under editing from 2/21/17 - 6/27/17)
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Patient Journal #1 Alana De Santa August 13, 2021
Patient Notes: Patient was upset after writing entry. She opened up on the main issue so we will continue to use journal therapy. Journal has been censored for professional reasons. All italics are censored parts. -DR. Lee Thompkins -patient also loves Lemony Snicket
I don't like journals. They're not safe. Easily read by others. I don't want other people to read my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I feel that my business belongs to me and me only. But I digress. Lee believes it is best for me to express my feelings for I have too many inside and she probably thinks I'm going to blow up. Haha, not really but you get what I mean. My name is Alana De Santa, and my past year has been heaven and hell. I'm a bad person and I make bad decisions. And Trevor, I'm so sorry. My love for you will live forever, you however, did not.
I don't know why anyone would care to know what I feel. All people think about is what I do or wear or say. But everything changed. It started the day he walked in. I smelled him before I even saw him. I could feel everyone's stare on someone behind me as I sat at the counter eating my cereal. It was like one of those movies where a villain is right behind the hero, and they even say "he's right behind me, isn't he?" and everyone nods. Little did I know I would become the villain in my story. It wasn't fair to him. I remember turning around and seeing his appearance. I assumed he was trailer trash, not good enough to be in my presence. My family knew him, but I could not remember. There seemed to be an ember of a memory buried deep beneath the ashes of my old life, but it did not spark.
It's so amazing how you shook my world and flipped it upside down. Before you, I was in a relationship with my longtime boyfriend Evan Peters. We were Vinewood's dream couple. I lived everyday in a trance. Like I was sleepwalking through everything. I didn't appreciate every breath or a glass of water. I didn't appreciate how beautiful our city can be. When we were together, I felt breathless. Now, you are. Your charred, ashed lungs will never rise and fall. I'll never lay my head on your chest and hear your prominent heartbeat.
Evan and I met in high school. He was older than me, so he graduated before I did. We began dating before I released my first album. He was always my number one supporter. And I was his. He starred on a TV show and I was always there for him. Until I ruined him. I ruined everything. And I had the worlds eyes on me.
I grew up in front of cameras, so you think I'd be used to it by now right? Wrong. All the flashing hurts my eyes. I'm tired of my picture on the front page of every magazine with some lie accompanying it. When I was four, my family moved from Ludendorff, North Yankton to Los Santos, San Andreas. I remember standing over my father's grave and weeping. Woe is me, whatever. Me, my stepmom, my brother and sister hop on a plane and find Michael at our new mansion in Los Santos and I blew my child mind. I remember running into his arms and being the clumsy 4 year old I was, I tripped at the last second. Michael caught me, and lifted me onto his shoulders and he paraded around our new house, showing all the rooms, the pool, hot tub and tennis court. It was every family's dream. But we got it the wrong way.
