Judge Me Not

Souls of Faram: Winged Blades by lilkolo91 [Review- LovelornSighs]

Title: Souls of Faram: Winged Blades

Author: lilkolo91

Genre(s): Fantasy/ Action

Rating: PG-13

Blurb: Since the beginning of time, there was a universe called Faram. In this universe, there was one leader for all the worlds within Faram, who reigned over the ancient beings called magic users. The magic users lived normally, ate normally, had families, work, and use their magic on a regular basis, living in harmony with one another, but once the ruler died the worlds divided from each other. Since then there had been disputes and wars with each world fighting over if they should have their own ruler for each world or if there should be one ruler for all the worlds of Faram. Many people have tried to become the next ruler of all but have failed. 

Grieve is a pitiless, cold, and a controlling tyrant, who wants to dominate over the worlds of Faram. By altering and changing the normal lives of magic users to fit his thirst for power, he will destroy anyone who tries to resist his crusade, mentally and physically. He is most certained that, with his tactics, he'll succeed in his conquest by manipulating everyone around him to join his army in taking down the worlds one by one?

Review:

I really like your little synopsis, it's an original and creative idea you have going on. However, there are instances when your sentences are unclear, confusing or come out awkward. And I'm not sure if this was on purpose, but using a question mark at the end of the concluding sentence looks strange. And while the synopsis does a great job of describing the setting, it does nothing to actually describe the plot at all. I suggest putting the main character in there somewhere and hinting at whatever journey they will be going on.

Anyway, onto the real story. Ok, here's the thing: you obviously know where you want to go with this story, and you also have talent. However, you need to remember to use proper punctuation, there are people out there like me (picky perfectionists) who will feel like tearing their hair out at ONE grammar mistake. Don't worry, I'm not a psychopath. I won't kill you. Also, there is no clear introduction of characters. You suddenly insert Medai and Desiree into the first chapter, and readers get perplexed. You also use past tense in your prologue, and I'm not sure if that's intentional. Is this prologue talking about the past? Your prologue also gave me the impression of being a really long summary, rather than actually being a prologue. There's a BIG difference between the two. 

'Can the humans expose and destroy these new beings from their world and destroy the threat before they cause them genocide first?' First, your prologue is at the moment, a mess of paragraphs and ideas. You just made it worse, adding in this little tidbit about Earth. Second, I don't know what it is about this sentence, but it's AWKWARD. Maybe change it to a.. 'Can the humans expose and destroy the creatures, and possibly stop the beginnings of a genocide?' I don't know, it's just a thought.

My suggestion to cleaning up your prologue is that you pick a central point. I would pick the Earth paragraph personally, and center everything around it. In the first paragraph, talk about the overall situation, and then in the next, switch to the point of view of the believers. And then the non-believers. Then find a transition, and talk about the two girls living on Earth. 

I think you have a great idea here, but your execution is disappointing. I feel like you were in a bit of a rush to get this out, or you were trying to put together all these ideas into one chapter, but it didn't turn out ideal. Don't worry, I think you have talent and potential. This story is intriguing as it is, but if you clean up a little, it can be great! :)

*P.S- I really hope I didn't offend you. Please take this as a writer-to-writer advise and constructive criticism.*

Rating: 5/10

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~Lilly/ LovelornSighs