Judge Me Not

Chasing Moonlight by night_crawler [Review- LovelornSighs]

Title: Chasing Moonlight

Author: night_crawler

Genre(s): Werewolf, Fantasy

Rating: PG-13

Blurb: Immortal. Supernatural. Romantic. 

When childhood sweetheart Lillian Mayber comes back to Manticore. Paul Deen has to fight his own urge to protect her, to be near her no matter the consequences. Lillian starts going to Manticore High School and notices that the people who attend aren't all human but they aren't the only ones with a secret... Lillian may be hiding something too... 

As the story unfolds, the questions are answered, family history is out in the open and Love stays strong

Review:

First impression: very nicely researched and meticulously thought through. You have clearly planned this out very well, which is great. And your first chapter gives an air of professionalism. You kept things nice and short, with enough information. 

On to the real story:

You clearly have talent in writing, which is reflected greatly in your prologue. Your sentence structures are great, and you kept consistent with the flow. I liked that you kept my attention throughout the whole thing, and there were no big mistakes that ticked me off. "I felt a self frightening inner peace. As if, I was falling into a bed of roses." First off, the seond sentence sounds completely awkward along, so connect it to the first. (Use a semi-colon) Second, I failed to make a connection to inner peace and beds of roses. But when I read the next sentence about glass cuts, I got the impression of rose thorns. So you might want to rearrange this paragraph a bit. 

And for the conclusion for the prologue, find a better transition. "The last thing I could remember is...." It's a weak transition, and it seems to kind of interrupt your nice flow. Reconstruct the whole sentence or take it out because other than this, the conclusion was great.

The PLOT:

I liked the way you wrote clearly put out the feeling of desperation and fear. However, in some places, the tension wasn't nearly as thick as it should have been. I really, really loved when you put in that little epiphany in paragraph two, where she realizes and accepts her fate. Also, the mention of a single mother, nice touch. What I felt was missing somewhat, was the mention of the killer. I liked that you described his eyes, but I wanted a bit more. (More what? I don't know, but something more about the killer, for sure.)

Overall, great execution and I feel like this story is going to great places. You have a lot of potential, keep writing!

[P.S- sorry for the delay!]

Rating: 8.5/10

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~Lilly