Judge Me Not

School of Darkness by JadeBryan [Review- LovelornSighs]

Title: School of Darkness

Author: JadeBryan

Genre(s): Vampire, Teen Fiction

-No blurb-

Review:

First off: I would like to make a suggestion. Making a 'blurb' or a brief summary would be ideal in letting people know what your story is all about, and capture their interest. Also, your introductory sentence ('Just as I thought my day couldn't possibly get any worse, that's when I saw it.) is a little abrupt. It gets my attention for sure, which is good. But it also confuses me, and I'm not sure if that is a good thing. Well, it would be okay to confuse in a prologue, because prologues are supposed to confuse and mystify you with their subtle, cryptic hints about the plot. But anyway, explain what this 'mark' is and why someone with it would be shunned, etc. It gets kind of annoying after a while, of reading on and having the no clue what the character was going on about. 

Also, when you say 'Everyone except my best friends: [It's a colon, not a comma] Keller, Shaunee and Elena.' Please, please, please do not list three names at a time. Maybe do 'I realized everyone had cringed away from me, and I looked around desperately for an answer. My eyes met Kellar's [brown?] ones looking at me tearfully. I got no answer, and turned to Shaunee, who stood blankly in front of me. Elena's slim arms stayed tight around Shaunee, her eyes tinged red from the tears streaming down her face.' It just makes it a bit heavy, to list three names all at once. Or maybe it's just my pet peeve. 

Nice use of vocabulary and words, and your descriptions blew me away! Very well organized paragraphs, though sometimes, I find myself thinking, 'When are there going to be some dialogues?'. This chapter was overloaded with heavy paragraphs, and not enough breaks between them. Also, check to make sure no run on sentences, and make sure to put a comma. [It may help to read aloud your work, and whenever you pause, make sure there's a necessary period or comma there in that place.] And when I finally got dialogues at the end, you didn't separate them from the paragraph! No!! Make sure to separate dialogues from the paragraph!

Love the ending. It was the perfect transition and way to end the first chapter. Good job!

Rating: 7.5/10

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~Lilly/ LovelornSighs