Judge Me Not

My Angel: The Fight Against Demons by Lauren0401 [LovelornSighs]

Title: My Angel: The Fight Against Demons

Author: Lauren0401

Genre(s): Romance, Adventure

Blurb: Ashley was just a regular high school girl until she discovered an unimaginable secret: demons are planning an attack for world domination. Because she knows this secret, many demons chase after her, but she just runs and runs. One day while being attacked by a shadow demon, she was saved by a man named Jake. Jake is not just any ordinary man; he's an angel. Ashley and Jake begin their adventure together as they run through many obstacles, meet many new friends, and maybe even discover some feeling long the way. ;)

Review:

Kind of a confusing beginning there, but the descriptions are well written. 'Is this what it feels like to come to the end of life: death.' First, there should be a question mark there. And second, I don't feel the need to insert the word 'death' there, it feels like it's not necessary and using the colon before the word makes the sentence look slightly awkward. Also, please remember to capitalize all 'i's. Your prologue is centered around the 'pain' that she is feeling, and nothing else. There was no focus on nothing but the pain, and I felt like that made the prologue a bit pointless. Prologues are usually used to lay down subtle and cryptic hints of the plot. You should have used it to talk a bit about the hard journey she led [if she had] or reminiscing [which you did a bit] about happier moments. However, the transition for the flashback was well done.

Review this chapter a bit: look for punctuation errors. There are several places you are missing apostrophes or commas. [Reading it aloud might help. Wherever you pause, make sure there is a period, comma or semi colon there.] I like the consistency of the flashback, you stayed in past tense for the most part. 'There were creatures in (what I THINK) was a pack.' Think is the present tense, change it to a  'thought'. A few minor spelling errors here and there, I'm sure a spell check can fix them up. (But not in the case of 'presents', which should be 'presence') I really like your vocabulary! It makes the descriptions sound so much more elegant. 

There was definitely some movement in this chapter, but it still felt dragged out. It felt slow and laggy, and also made this chapter feel a bit exaggerated. I also find it weird that Ashley just ran off away from her burning house and mom without anyone stopping her. And you don't explain how she survived by herself through all those cities. How did she get food? How did she get water? How did she find shelter for the night? How did she defend herself if she encountered a demon?

'All kinds of beasts and monsters chase after me, but I usually make a miracle escape, but miracles always come to an end.' Make that into a: 'Many monsters chase after me, but I usually make a miraculous escape; but all miracles must come to an end.' But after the flashback was over, the transition was really, really bad. 'After getting lost in my past...' Please find a better transition, this one is weak. The interjection of the 'beast' and the angel was also abrupt. It felt like you had forced yourself to include this part and force them to fit into this chapter. Ok, I'm towards the end of my review now. One last grammatical critique note: the ending. You don't need 'a savior, a hero and my angel.' You don't need all three. Just end it with 'For this man is my angel'.

Story wise, I have to say this was iffy. The plot is a little cliched, but was overall alright. And you don't want to be in the 'alright' zone. Especially in the first chapter. You have to make me 'ooohh' and 'ahhh' in the first chapter, make me want to read the second one. And you didn't. But it's not to say it was terrible, because it wasn't. It was well written for the most part. You just need to review this a bit, cut out all unnecessary parts because those parts drag this chapter down. Remember to capitalize 'i's, names and the beginning of each sentence. Remember your commas and semi colons. 

Overall, a pretty good start, but you can always do better! :)

*I hope I didn't offend you >.<*

Rating: 7/10

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~Lilly/ LovelornSighs