Torn Between Two

Chapter 3

Connor

I see Troye, Tyler, and Zoe all look at me. I go down a little more. Until I can disappear. Why can't I just leave it's easy. The bus stops and the jocks get on. I roll my eyes trying to not make contact with them. Marcus gets on and I look down. Then my head hurts.  He hits me I moan a little. See I didn't even do anything  and they still bother me. I look out the window hoping today goes by faster than any day. I just have a feeling today is going to suck. I feel something hit me again and it's paper I look back and see Tyler and Zoe laughing and Troye. I have never seen him like this. He is laughing but not seeming like he wants to? Maybe he is changing. I turn around quickly. Don't be stupid Connor once a bully always a bully. Never trust him.

“Hey faggot.” Tyler says and pushes me when I get off the bus I keep walking ignoring him. “I'm talking to you.” Tyler says and hits my back. “I'm trying to ignore you. I'm going to class.” I mumble out. Not even loud enough to sound scary 

Why does my life have to suck. These guys in the school all look at me and laugh. I'm not funny. Maybe it's my face. My face is pretty funny to look at. Well I mean I hate it. So others must hate it as well. I make it to my locker. I open it up and throw my things in.  I feel a hit on my shoulder. I turn around. The Troye Sivan Mellet is standing right there in front of me. He is going to hurt me. I hold my sleeves tight.

“Don't even think of trying to run.” Troye says. I close my eyes. I'm not going to run. It would not he worth the fight. Just let him do it. “I wasn't planning on it.” I say mumble mainly to myself. “Good Tyler is right though you a faggot.” Troye says and bites his lip. He isn't as harsh what is wrong with him today.  Is he changing. No stop thinking that! Okay okay I'll stop! “But are you not gay?” I ask very shy. “Why should that ever matter idiot.” Troye chokes out again. He is not the same. Did Tyler say something to him to make him hurt? Why do you even care??? Okay I don't care shut up!!!! “Don't think you won't be off at lunch today. Give me our lunch while I speak of it!” Troye says a little harsher. I love how he thinks I eat it's really cute. CUTE! Ohhh no I didn't mean that. No not at all. But his blue eyes. They make me want to look at them even more. His lips, they are so pink. His cheeks I could. Stop it!!  Okay fine I'll stop. “I don't have my lunch today.” I cry out slowly.  He looks scared. “Good your fat anyways.” Troye mumbles out. Then walks away. “You dont have to tell me that again.” I say to myself and walk off to my first class. Art. The one class I was forced into. I didn't even want to take it. Stupid ass school.  I grab my pencils and start to walk towards my class not looking where I'm going. I bump into someone.

“Sorry Bethany.” I mumble out. “You need to watch where you're going!” Bethany yells. She picks up her binder with her snake like nails. “Sorry.” I mumble out again. “Don't make me get Tyler or Troye.” Bethany hisses out. “It won't happen again I promise.” I say like a little kid getting into trouble. I'm weak and I know I can't stand up to anyone in this damn hell hole. I walk into Art seeing Troye sitting with Marcus and Mark. Art is one of the worst subjects to me. I make my own art on my wrists. The teacher told me that we have to draw something that represents depression.  Suicide awareness. “What are you going to draw?” Mr. Howell asks. I just shrug my shoulders not knowing at all. I close my eyes and think. Express your feelings. Express your feelings. I take a pencil out. Then start to draw. Drawing whatever comes out of my wrist. Suicide awareness. Depression.  Cutting. I know all about that. Maybe this will be my good mark. Unless I get sent out because of my depression?  Can I even call it that anymore? Troye gets sent out a lot lately too? Probably all the talking he does.

I snap out of thought and look down at my sketch. A body  with words carved in. A boy with no face but scars everywhere. The one word that gets to me. Is Help Me. Nothing describes this more than that.  Then something in the boys hand.  It's a knife. In the other it's pills. In front of him is a couple empty bottles of alcohol. I didn't just draw a random boy I drew someone I know too well. That person is ME. The boy who is trying to die but live as well what could be worse.

“Connor out.” Mr Howell says and points to the door. I see Troye getting up angry and leaving. What did he do. I bet he knows nothing about depression.  I get up and don't even put up a fight. I start to cry too. I see Mr. Howell pick up Troyes drawing a boy like mine but his is a half paint brush and a knife.  He just looked that up I bet. I open the door and slam it closed. I see Troye on the floor. I sit down across from Troye. The door opens and Mr. Howell comes out and looks at us.”Maybe you two can talk it out. Seems you two drew almost the same thing!” Mr. Howell says and then closes the door.  I sigh and look away from Troye. He sniffles a little. No way the Troye Sivan Mellet is crying why would he be. He has it so good.

“Don't even try.” Troye says to me. Catching me off guard. “Don't use this against me. I know you will.” Troye mumbles out. “I'm not like that.  No one would even listen to me if I tried. So don't fucking worry.” I speak out. I rub my eyes. Hoping he doesn't use this against me. “You wouldn't?” Troye asks and I shake my head. “I have no one to tell. So don't worry.”  I say and look down twiddling my thumbs. I see Troye feeling the urge to cry. I look at him. I never seen him like this before.

“Go on. Laugh at me. I don’t fucking care.” Troye blurts out. I look shocked.

“Troye I'm not like that at all. I'm not going to laugh. I know what you're feeling. Maybe I don't know but, I'm not going to laugh at you for crying you're only human.” I say trying to sound tough but deep down I'm trying not to freak out talking to him. The one who has bullied me for so long. “Why are you being so nice to me? I have bullied you for so long and this is how you repay me?” Troye asks shocked as hell. “Like I said I'm not that type of person to just make fun of you or even tell you something mean. As everyone likes to say, people bully for a reason and maybe you have a reason.” I say and stop talking am I being too nice to him should I be harsher.

“Do I? How do you know anyway?” Troye mumbles out.

“Troye I'm not trying to be mean to you you're just trying to make me sound like the bad guy.” I say and he just snickers. I close my eyes. Can this day just be over already.

“I'm guessing you think I'm the bad guy?” Troye asks. I look at his beautiful blue eyes. He is more beautiful when he isn't mad. “Well for what you have done kinda but again maybe you have a reason.” I mumble out. We hear someone walk down the hall. We put our heads into our knees. The person walks by. It's Zoe.

“Troye what did you do?” Zoe asks ignoring me completely. Troye looks down not showing her any care. “Got kicked out.” Troye says low. He is talking to Zoe like I talk to my bullies. “Why the hell are you crying you have nothing wrong with you.” Zoe says and hits his arm. He closes his eyes. Why is he hurting. Leave it Connor! Okay fine I will shut up!!!! “You are right I don't.” Troye says and I look away. Zoe turns to me and whispers to me. “Don't talk to him. You're going to make him angry.” Zoe says and walks away like nothing happened.  I look at Troye and he rubs his hands on his pants.

“Sorry about her.” Troye says.  He is apologizing for his friends wait what! “It's okay?” I ask in a question still taken back from what happened. He is innocent he isn't like the others. He is like me? CONNOR SNAP OUT OF IT HE ISN'T LIKE YOU  HE IS ONE OF THEM!  I know I know but he isn't but he is.

“I'm not like them….” Troye mumbles out it's so hard to hear him. I'm taken back from what he just said. He isn't like them? What does that mean. DON'T PUSH IT. Get out of my head.  I can do what I want. You don't control me!

“Get out of my head.” I mumble again. I close my mouth. I just said something I didn't mean to. No he heard he is looking at me. Why! Why!

“Connor what?” Troye asks me. I shake my head and stand up. “I have to go.” I say and start to walk. He touches my arm and I flinch the burning of the cuts. “Don't leave.” Troye says and I look scared. He is just making this act up. He is just going to use this against me. “I have to go.” I say and I pull away. I walk down the hall and turn the corner away from Troye. He cares? Connor what did I just say stay away from him. He is going to hurt you. He will and you know that. You got me in enough trouble leave me be. I can do this on my own.