Torn Between Two

Chapter 9

Connor

Troye pulls away. I keep my head down. "You have such a good effect on me." I say looking at him. Remember when you get home you cut. No matter what okay? Okay. I'll do it. Let me be. Die! You want to kill yourself. No I have Troye?? No you don't. He will forget this tomorrow and he won't care anymore. He will. "Can I stay here tonight?" I ask quickly. "Umm sure my parents won't mind." Troye says. I nod. "I'll message my parents." I say I sit up. Then start to text my mom. I send. Mom can I stay the night with a friend. We are working really hard and I don't want to walk in the dark. I wait for a reply. "My mom says she doesn't care." Troye says. I nod. I look down. I want to cry. I want to die?? No I can't die not yet. You're supposed to cut. Is this why you are staying. Yes it is leave me be. My phone rings. My mom is calling. I step downstairs. "Hello?" I answer the phone I walk up the stairs into the room. "You can stay but I can't be seen with you I'm sorry." Troye says. "That's okay Troye. Tyler if he sees me." I say and I sit on the bed and cover my face. I start to breathe heavy again. "Are you hungry?" Troye asks me. I'm never ever hungry. I should eat something and later throw it up. "Um not really I'll eat something small though." I say and he nods. He comes to take me down the stairs. I feel a little light headed. Guess this is what I get. Ohh god. Troye turns around and holds me. "Hey I got you." Troye says. I hold his shirt against my face. "Sorry I get dizzy sometimes." I say hoping he doesn't realize that's a lie. "I'm sorry for calling you fat." Troye whispers to me. "Troye stop apologizing." I say. He breaks the hug. I lower my head. He kisses my forehead. "I need to. Some kraft dinner?" Troye asks. I nod. I sit at the table and run my hands around my sleeve. I can't handle the pain of these. I feel sick. I need to cut. They hurt. Troye sits next to me. I don't look his way he runs his hands up and down my hand. To make me calm. I just close my eyes and put my head on his shoulder. "I could get used to this." Troye says wait did he just say he wants to do this more often. He will forget tomorrow. Shut up let me do this on my own. The microwave goes off and he stands up and he brings me a spoon and one bowl. "I guess we can share." Troye says. I nod. I look at the food. God am I actually going to eat for this boy. He can't know. I take the spoon and take a small bite. Later you can throw up. You can later Connor. I will I know. "What's your favorite food?" Troye asks me. I want to yell out nothing because I don't eat. "Umm I don't really have a favorite." I say and he looks down. "Nutella for me." Troye says. I nod. "It's good." I say and think the fat and the sugar. It's bad for you. Don't lie to him. You have to he will hurt you. He won't. He will. Shut up! You can't make me go away. I can if I try. "I'm tired." I say. "Want to go up and wait for my parents to come home they should be here soon." Troye says and I nod. He takes my hand after finishing his food he throws it in the sink and we walk up. His hand makes me calm. Very calm. I want this forever. "I'm sorry if I'm touchy." Troye says locking the door and sits down. "It's okay I like it." I say not lying. No you don't like it. I really do and you can't change it. "Oh okay." Troye says. I sit beside him and put my head on his shoulder. "What if they don't like me?" I ask and close my eyes if they hate me I can't come back. He can't come over to my house. My parents will hate him. "They will don't worry." Troye says and tilts my head up. He touches my scar on my face. "I like you Connor." Troye says wait he likes me. No it's just an act don't let this get to you. He doesn't like you. He hates you. Will always hate you. Don't say it back don't say it back."I like you too Troye." I say and regret it as soon as it's happens. He lays down and I lay next to him. Cuddling I have always wanted that. I move my head and it falls on his chest. His hand goes up and then cuddles around me. "Sorry I like the attention." I say and put my face into his chest even more. "It's okay." Troye says. He kisses my hair as we cuddle. We hear a knock at the door. "Troye! Mom and Dad are home and want to meet whoever that is. Connor." Sage says. I close my eyes. Time to meet his parents. "They will love you." Troye says sitting up I breathe out and in. I can do this. "I'm scared." I say scared shitless. Troye touches my face. He leans in for a quick peck on the lips. "They will love you." Troye says taking my hand walking me down the stairs slowly into the living room. "Hello Troye how is everything?" His mom asks. "Good. Mom, Dad this is Connor." Troye says and looks at me. I look at them and nod. "Hi Mrs. Mellet and Mr. Mellet." I say nervous. "So this is your boyfriend!" Troyes dad asks and comes closer to me. He looks me up and down. "Dad he isn't my boyfriend he is a friend." Troye says. "He seems like your boyfriend. He is very skinny like. Gain some more weight boy." He says and hits my stomach. I flinch a little. Well I told him no one likes me. "Dad!" Troye says and he looks at me. He looks sad for me. He walks towards him. "Just because I'm gay and shit doesn't mean you can just do that." Troye says chasing his dad to the kitchen. "Don't remind me." His dad says. I stop what. He.... Don't worry about it. "Stop it not now!" Troye says and walks away. "Whatever we will be up in the room working." Troye says and he walks up the stairs and I follow. Why I don't know. His parents hate him? No they don't. Don't ask him! Don't bother asking him. He doesn't like you that much. He will forget in the morning. He won't care. "Troye what was that about?" I ask scared that he will hate me for what I try and ask. "Umm mm it's a long story. Let's just say my dad hates that I'm gay?" Troye asks in and question. I nod not wanting to push it farther than that. "Do your parents hate you for being gay?" Troye asks. I look down I haven't told them I don't know if they are against me. "Umm I haven't told them Troye." I say and he looks down. "I guess you're the first person I told about me being gay. My sister doesn't know. No one does. Please don't tell Tyler or anyone I'll get beat up so much." I say panicking. "Hey I wouldn't do that. Never ever would do that. I know what it's like to be scared of coming out. It's hard and I won't do that." Troye says to me. Touching my face. He sits down on the bed. "I just don't get my dad. He loves me? But doesn't. He says he does but if he did then why would he hate me for who I love and who I don't love." Troye says and I sit beside him." Well Troye just don't let him get to you. That's the worst part." I say and he shakes his head. "I wish I could tell you. But it's it's a long story. I can't just ignore him." Troye says I sigh and close my eyes. I wish I knew about him. He isn't mean anymore. He is nice cute and adorable. His little smile. His little smirk drives me Wild. It really puts me at ease. I don't know why but, it just does. I lay my head on his shoulder. I'm not scared of him anymore. I shouldn't have to be. He is my friend now? "Troye?" I ask and he puts his hand lightly on my knee. "Yeah?" Troye asks waiting for me to talk. I close my eyes. What if this is a bad idea. "What does this make us?" I ask scared he will say nothing. "Friends?" Troye asks. Oh good! "Okay." I say and lift my head to look at him. "I wish I didn't have Tyler and Zoe and everyone I know." Troye says and I touch his cheek. "I would hang with you, you know that?" Troye says. He puts his forehead on mine. "It would make life better and way happier." Troye says and kisses my nose. "You make me forget things." Troye says and takes my hands and pulls me onto him. We fall onto the bed. My head above his. I'm just slightly less tall than him. Maybe by one inch? Yeah one inch. I close my eyes. He holds my waist. "Connor I have never felt this way before with someone like this. I don't know what it is. Maybe the way we have always hated each other and now we don't or maybe how we met. We met when I bullied you. I'm sorry again for that." Troye says. I shake my head. "Stop please." I say and then I feel my stomach turn. "Oh shit." I grumble and I race to the toilet. "Connor." Troye yells out I make it to the toilet and I lean over and the food comes out. Troye right behind me. After I throw up I lean back and sigh. I hate throwing up. That's why bulimia didn't work for me. Anorexia works. Throwing up scares me. God I hate this. I hate my life. "Connor." Troye says and he comes up behind me and let's me lay my back against him. I feel really light headed.

"What happened you were fine about 5 minutes ago." Troye says to me. I sigh. It cause I ate I want to scream out. It's because of food! It's because of you and your friends made me do this to myself. Cut. Everything I do is because of them. "Maybe just a little bug. It will pass." I mumble and close my eyes and think different thoughts other than bashing Troyes friends and him. "Awe I'm sorry." Troye says and rubs my stomach lightly. I just feel his hands touch my fat. It's like I'm a precious ring and even one little touch I feel I could break into a thousand pieces. Little by little. Trying to fix it until I break again. That's my life. I move Troyes hands. I don't like him touching my fat. "Connor you okay?" Troye asks when I touch his hands away from my stomach. "Yeah just it hurts to touch." I say lying hoping he buys it. He moves his hands to my legs. My fat legs. He can't feel the fat I hope. I just let them stay there. I lean my head back again why me? Why does eating food make me do this. I'm not used to it? Wait I haven't been able to eat for years now. I feel my stomach start to flip again I shoot up and throw up. I start to tear up. I can't ever eat again it just makes me do this. "Ugh." I say and lean back against Troye. He plays with my hair. He kisses my cheek while I silently start to cry. "Oh no don't cry." Troye says wiping my tears off my face. "I hate throwing up." I say and start to cry harder. "Troye!" A girl yells walking in. "Out Sage!" Troye says glaring at her. SAGE that's the name. She is one of the preps. Not as bad as Bethany but they are friends. "What are you doing why are you touching your enemy?" Sage says. I look at her and then move away from Troye. "Why can't you just leave me be! I'm busy. He isn't feeling well and yes I'm being nice because I care about how he is feeling. I hate throwing up too." Troye says looking at me. "What do you even want!" Troye says standing up. "Well Tyler wants to know what you are doing I suggest you call him because he will be mad if he finds out about this." Sage says and waltzes away. I look at Troye. What if Sage tells Tyler. Troye runs out and grabs his phone he comes back in and sits on the floor. "Hello." Troye says. Close my eyes thinking about how bad this day has been. It shouldn't be like this. Why does it suck so badly. "No Tyler he is gone.... Yes he is gone. He is home now..... also I'm busy I'm probably going out with family.... I don't know...... I know don't touch him ever..... yes it's for school work and then don't even talk to him..... yesss I know okay bye!" Troye says and hangs up the phone he slides against the bathroom door closing it. He puts his hands on his face. I crawl over to him and sit beside him. "Life sucks." I say and Troye looks over at me. "It sure does." Troye says and I rest my head on his shoulder he lied to his friends for me.  For me?