Torn Between Two

Chapter 4

Troye

I catch up to him.
He turns around and I narrow my eyes at him, “Don’t even think of trying to run.”
“I wasn’t planning on it,” he retorts nervously. “Good. Tyler is right though. You’re a faggot,” I choke out before biting my lip.

“But aren’t you gay?” Connor asks as he twiddles his fingers. I feel a part of my confidence drop as I try to force out a comeback, “Why should that even matter, idiot?”
He doesn’t reply, so I regain my confidence and place my hand on my hip, “Don’t think you’re off at lunch today. Give me lunch while I speak of it.”
He gulps, “I don’t have my lunch today.” I start to realise that Connor has gotten skinnier since the first time Tyler picked on him. I scoff fakely, beginning to worry, “Good. You’re fat anyways.”
Then I saunter away.

I have art next, with Connor. We don’t sit next to each other, thank god. Only in math. I hate art. It always makes me sappy and upset about what I did to myself. The teacher tells me, “paint out your emotions, Troye!” but when I do, I get in trouble and sent out. If paper doesn’t like my art, then what does? My body. It doesn’t complain or give me in trouble. I can do whatever I want on there.

I start to draw, already knowing this art will get me in trouble. It’s a boy. He’s painting on his skin. Except the paintbrush is twisted. It looks more like a knife. Something I’m all too familiar with.
“What have you draw-” Mr Howell starts before he looks down. “Out, Troye.”

I sigh, “Please, Mr. Howell! These are the feelings you told me to express!”
“This is not class appropriate,” he hisses back, “I said out.” I jump out of my seat, “Then what is class appropriate? This is Art class! I can draw whatever I want! I hate this school!” I storm out, tears streaming from my face. I hide them.  Nobody can see me cry.

I sit outside with my back against the wall, wiping my eyes. Connor opens the door and comes out. I turn away quickly to hide any evidence of tears, rubbing my eyes until they’re bright red.
Mr Howell comes out as Connor sits down across from me. “Maybe you two can talk it out. Seems like you two drew the same thing!”

I see Connor looking at me, noticing my tear stained face, “Don’t even try.” He looks a bit taken aback, but I keep going, “Don’t use this against me. I know you will.” Connor shakes his head, “I’m not like that. No-one would even listen to me if I tried. So don’t f*cking worry,” he replies. I look at my feet, “You wouldn’t?”

“I have no-one to tell. So don’t worry.”

I feel tears well up in my eyes again but I push them back, embarrassed and ashamed. Connor looks at me, “Go on. Laugh at me. I don’t f*cking care.”
“Troye I'm not like that at all. I'm not going to laugh. I know what you're feeling. Maybe I don't know but, I'm not going to laugh at you for crying you're only human.”

I gulp and shake my head, confused, “Why are you being so nice to me? I have bullied you for so long and this is how you repay me?”
“Like I said I'm not that type of person to just make fun of you or even tell you something mean. As everyone likes to say, people bully for a reason and maybe you have a reason.”

I raise an eyebrow, “Do I? How do you know anyway?” I mumble. He shakes his head, “Troye I'm not trying to be mean to you you're just trying to make me sound like the bad guy.” I twiddle with my fingers and snicker. I squeeze my eyes shut as my sweater rubs against a fresh cut. I quickly stop wincing and look up at Connor, “I'm guessing you think I'm the bad guy?”

He stops for a moment, “Well for what you have done, kinda but again maybe you have a reason.”
Someone comes down the hallway and we both rest our heads in our knees. I sneak a glance and see that it’s Zoe. “Troye what did you do?”

“Got kicked out,” I mumble in reply. “Why the hell are you crying you have nothing wrong with you!” Zoe says and hits me on the arm. I close my eyes and stop the tears from streaming down my face. I look at Connor, “You’re right. I don’t.”

Zoe says something to Connor that I can’t understand and walks away. “Sorry about her,” I stammer nervously.
“It’s okay?” I feel the world start to spin around me, “I’m not like them,” I mumble. Connor looks taken aback but then he begins to look worried and stressed. “Get out of my head!” he mutters before he looks up at me.

“Connor, what?” I ask, calmly but sternly. “I have to go,” he lies and goes to leave. I touch his arm. He flinches, but I don’t ask. “Don’t leave,” I croak. “I have to go,” he repeats and pulls away, walking away. I start to cry again because I can’t believe I’m torn between an idiot like Connor and my friendship.

I get up and leave, knowing Mr Howell will be upset. I have Math next with Connor. I hope nothing is too awkward. You just wait, Troye. I gulp. Get out of my fucking head. But you’re fun to mess with. You’re ruining my life.

But I’m you. You’re ruining your own life. No, stop! Shut up! I start to panic, sobs escaping my mouth. You can’t make yourself shut up, Troye. “Shut up!” I cry out loud desperately, “Stop!” Connor’s going to tell. You’re going to lose your reputation forever. “No! No, I’m fucking not!” You’re going to go back into your dark place.

You’ll go to the hospital again. “Don’t talk about that!” I sob, but it comes out as a whisper. Your family will baby you again. It’s an endless cycle, Troye. “You’re driving me insane! Get out of my head!” I cry one final time before I run into the boy’s bathroom.