Torn Between Two

Chapter 11

Connor 

My head on his shoulder as he breathes in and out. I feel bad for us. He has to hide the fact he is hanging out with me. He has to fake being my friend? I have to watch out for Tyler and Zoe they will beat me up. They will hurt me. They will do anything to make Troye hate me. Lies they will put lies! You shouldn't think that Connor he will do anything to keep this secret you know this. "This will stay with us right?" I ask again worried for both us. "Yeah no matter what I won't tell anyone about this. It's us right now, no one will know." Troye says. He looks worried. I do as well. "What about Sage your sister, she knows Bethany." I say pinching my lip lightly. Then I bite the skin off. "I will deal with her later. Don't worry Con." Troye says. Con? I like that a lot. I never really get called that unless my sister calls me that. I like it. It makes me smile when that word comes out of his mouth. "I'm sorry for this bullshit." Troye says breaking the silence. I just nod not saying anything. I don't want to. Troye moves so he looks at my face. "You don't need this in your life. The way you speak. There is something going on, and you can't lie about that. I'm not saying you need to tell me about the problems, but if you want to talk about it then just give me a call, or a message. I'm always here for you okay?" Troye says catching me off guard. He cares! I know he does now! No one can say he doesn't he wants to help and I want to help him. We care for both each other. "Connor I know it's hard to talk, trust me, I don't really even talk to people. I feel more comfortable talking to you. I want you to know this, no matter what thoughts you have, I really do care. I'm not going to use this against you. I would never do that. I think it's just wrong doing that. So please if you have something going on, talk to me. I will listen." Troye says catching me off guard. He wants to talk to me. He wants to care. I want to care for him, I want to be there for him as well. "I want to do the same thing for you, no matter what happens after this day I want to be there for you as well. No matter who finds out, no matter how beaten I get, or how much pain I go through I will be there for you. I will never ever use this against you." I say spilling the truth. The truth hurts, but something it doesn't have to hurt. The truth spills out like a little kid having some food for the first time. The pain escapes my lips. The food spills all over myself and before I know it i'm crying in front of the Troye Sivan Mellet. Brand him that still, I shouldn't have to do that. Not anymore. I'm crying in front of my only friend. The one who cares. "I'm sorry. I never had a real friend, I never had someone care so much." I say crying. He wipes them away. He looks into my eyes. "Never be afraid to cry in front of me. I will wipe your tears away, I will hold you if you need a hug. Anything." Troye says. The tear slowly is wiped off my face. He holds my face steady. "Okay." I say closing my eyes. The thoughts are not bad. They are happy? They feel nice! Good job Connor i'm proud of you. You have done so much good staying alive in this world. Really you are proud of me! That's new. I just keep my eyes closed listening to happy things. A touch of light on my lips. Then I know Troye is kissing me ever so lightly. To wipe the bad things out of my brain. I'm focused on his lips, his touch. His whole presents makes me happy. This makes you happy, i'm really happy for you. Thank you so much! Now I like hearing these thoughts, stay like this. Troye bites my lip I just let him enjoy. "Troye time for bed!" His mom calls. He breaks the kiss. "Mom I know when to sleep and not too sleep!" Troye calls out, I laugh under my breath. "Listen to your mommy Troye." I pick at him, he glares at me and smiles a little. "Does Connor need a place to sleep?" His mom asks. "No mom he is fine. I have some room on my floor, but a mattress." Troye says then turns to me. "Aka my bed." Troye says and taps my nose. I scrunch up my nose a little and we stand up and walk into the room. "Hey so i'll leave early tomorrow when no one can see me." I say not wanting to risk our friendship." I can walk you home." Troye says. I sigh I will leave early enough so he doesn't have to. "Okay." I say and look down. He throws me some clothes to wear to bed. "I don't need them anymore. You can keep them." Troye says and he turns around so I can put them on. A t-shirt with the words Youth. Then some track pants. I grab my sweater and throw it over the t shirt. I can't ever let him know about my scars. They are my secret to keep forever. I walk over to the bed and sit on the other side of the bed. "You know I can sleep on the floor." I say making sure he knows that I am okay with that. "Yeah I know you can." Troye says and I look away from him. He changed and throws a sweater on. "Why do you wear a sweater to bed?" Troye asks me yawning. "I could ask you the same thing." I say kind of being a little harsh. I hate lying. "Well I get cold at night and sometimes the blankets are not enough so I get more heat that way." Troye says and I look down and lay my head on the pillow. "Same reason." I say trying not to sound like i'm trying to change topic. "Oh cool." Troye says not pushing any more questions. I turn towards the wall and slowly close my eyes. His hand touches my back and then touches my cheek. I follow his hand and I know he wants me to face him. "What?" I ask and turn to face him. "I feel lonely." Troye says. I laugh a little. "Well you have me here so don't feel that way." I say and move closer to him. He takes my face and kisses my lips one more time. The taste of a nice sweet kiss. The one that is delicate, not hard, not passionate but soft and light. He pulls away and I lay my head on his chest. "Goodnight Franta." Troye says and I hear him breath out. "Goodnight Mellet." I say and I hear his little laugh before the sound of silence. My friend that makes me want to die. But it's not just silence. There is a sound, a sound of little crickets, the sound of a light breath in and out. I know i'm not alone. Troye has me, and I don't have to be afraid anymore of this night. I honestly think I will get a good night's sleep. Before I know, my alarm goes off and I shoot up. Stopping it. Troye rolls over and groans. I grab my old clothes, and take my phone out of the room. I should tell him something before I leave. He won't remember though. I decide to rip a piece of paper out of my binder and write a little note. Yes it's stupid but, I have to tell him this. I start to write.

Mellet, there has been something I wanted to tell you and well........

I slowly put it down beside his phone where he will find it later. I look at his beautiful peaceful body. His slow little breaths out. I kneel down beside him. "Goodbye for now Troye." I say quietly and then lean down to kiss him. My phone with the little light to find his lips. One last one to get through this day. He moves and his sleeve moves up a little. I take his sweater and slowly go to pull it down. I see something. I take my phone and bring it closer. The angry, sad, marks I make on myself. Troye self harms! What no! He can't. I slowly stand up and walk out. The thoughts trying so hard to tell me things. I can't even listen to my thoughts. I start to cry lightly while I grab my shoes, and run out the door. It's 6 am. He will get up and see the note and I will see him and have to pretend that I never ever saw those but I think that's harder than it seems. Seeing something like that. Something that someone who does the same thing as me. It will never leave my brain. That's why he is hurting. He is hurting and wants to relieve the pain from his life. I stumble down the road. To make sure I am not seen. The tears hitting my eyes more. IM SORRY TROYE! I can't help him. I won't tell him my story I can't anymore. He is hurting like me. You can't fall for him anymore. He will hurt you more. Making you want to cut. Making you want to die. That's all that is. That kiss I just got from him, that last one I did to him. Will be my last. I can't talk to him anymore. It will just make my cuts more inflamed. I don't know why but I have a feeling he will drag me down more and more until I finally do it.