Torn Between Two

Chapter 57

Troye

Ever since the incident with my dad. Connor has been scared of everyone that comes near me. He has been having nightmares and I worry everytime he wakes up that the pain will be bad. I will have to get him some medicine to stop the pain. I mean it is slowly getting better. School starts tomorrow and I am worried what Tyler is going to do to Connor. I think I will get him some help. I will stick by his side. I know that will be hard but, I know that as long as he has me beside him he should be fine. He can walk with little to no help at all. If Tyler even comes near him then I will tell the teacher. I will find someone who cares. I am tired of Tyler and his bullshit. If you are wondering if this whole dad situation is bugging me? It sure is. I am really hurt. My dad is gone from my life. I have no dad. I have no father figure. Sure I didn’t have one before but, he was here. He would at least be in this house. I miss him. But, I can’t let him come near me again. He will hurt me. He will hurt Connor. I am tired of people hurting him. It is not just a game anymore. It is way more than that. It is a war. We are living a war. I am scared. He has not gone home. We got into a argument with his mother. Connor and I got into it with his mother. There was words thrown at each other. I know Connor felt bad after but, he can’t stay at an abusive home anymore. Therapy is soon with him and physiotherapy. I know both will suck and both will hurt him. I know I will be there for anything. I know that he hates talking. I will have to talk too. They don’t know what I do to myself. They should know. I have never said this before but, I need help and I need to talk to someone about it. “Troye?” Connor’s voice comes to my attention. “Yeah I am here.” I say and he rolls over. “You okay?” Connor asks. “Yeah I am fine.” I say and realize I have been writing this in my journal I haven’t been able to touch since the time I went to the hospital. “You write?” Connor asks and I look down. “Yeah just getting my thoughts. How is your pain?” I ask trying to get the topic off me. “Umm it is okay. I am scared for school tomorrow. Then on Wednesday I have to see them I have to talk to them. I have to go through a hell lot of pain.” Connor says to me.  “I know I will be there with you. It is making sure your muscles don’t get more damaged. It will hurt but, I know that it will be better later on okay?” I say and then lean in to kiss his cheek lightly. “Okay.” Connor says and then closes his eyes. “I am going to have a shower. You want to come or just rest?” I ask he opens his eyes. “I’ll join.” Connor says and I nod. I help him out of bed. I grab some clothes. “Mom I am helping Connor have a shower. I will be out in a bit!” I yell and without a answer I close the door closed. Connor leans against the sink. “What hurts?” I ask and then he breaths in and then speaks. “My back mainly. Then my stomach.” Connor says. I put my arms around his waist and then put my head on his head. “Look at us.” I say and he looks in the mirror. “What do you see?” I ask and Connor looks harder in the mirror. “I see two boys who are battling a war. A very hard war that soon and hopefully they will get out of and finally live life okay?” Connor asks I smile as he talks. “What I see is us growing older together with a family. Going to have a fun life and travel. I see you writing a book about your life. I see me maybe writing music? I have no clue but, I love us right now.” I say and Connor nods. I slowly help him get his shirt off. I then touch his stomach a little. Seeing the bruises and the cuts. “I will put some bandage on that after the shower. Then maybe some nice pills and you will sleep.” I say and then kiss his forehead. “Okay thank you.” Connor says. I take my shirt off and he turns around and then I look at his back. A massive cut on his back. Looking purple and blue. I then touch it lightly and then I see red come around it. Yeah I need to get that cleaned too. “Okay. Sit and then I will take your pants off okay?” I ask and he nods. I help Connor over to the toilet to sit on. He slowly takes a seat.

I take his pants off lightly. I look at his legs. The scars all over them. The cuts, the bruises. I touch them lightly. Connor slightly flinching at the touches. “I won’t hurt you baby. I love you too much.” I say and he nods. I take them all the way off. Seeing the recent scars. “I love you too much for you to even have this pain. If I could take it away I would. I would take this away and put it on me. I don’t like seeing you in pain.” I say and and he looks at me. “Troye.” Connor says and the touches my face. “Are you upset about your father? I know you may not be. I just want to know. I know it may be hard losing your father. I mean I have been thinking about if I was never in your life. You would still have your dad. Sure he would still be homophobic but, I mean you would have never lost him.” Connor says. I shake my head. “Connor don’t say that. I need you in my life. I know you seem like this is all your fault and it isn’t okay. Remember I would have probably been dead if you never come in my life. Okay so don’t think about that.” I say and then take his boxers off. I then take his socks off. “You never answered about your father. Are you sad that he is gone? You have mumbles lots of things in your dream and I am just wondering. You don’t have to tell me. I am just worried. “Connor says I touch his face lightly. “I mean sure it’s sad not having a dad. But I am glad he is away from my family he won’t hurt me. He won’t hurt my family. The most important part is that he won’t hurt you. When he hurts you, it hurts me more. So yes I do miss him but, I am happy he is gone okay?” I ask him and he nods. I take my pants off and boxers and throw them into a pile of clothes. I then turn the water on and making it warm. I know that it will hurt but, after a while it will feel nice on Connor’s skin. He has had bandages all over him for the past couple days and hasn’t been able to have a shower. “I will be right back.” I say and then put a towel around my waist. “Troye!” My mom says. “You are having a shower where is Connor?” My mom asks. “He is in there. Mom let it be we are not having sex.” I say and she laughs. “I would be more worried about your other brothers and your sister. I am just bugging you. I love you go help him.” My mom says. I laugh and hug her and then run into the room before she sees my arms and my body. I hate when people see my body. I love Connor he is the only one that can see it. I grab my phone and then I grab a speaker. I grab the medicine and the first aid the doctors gave me. I then walk back into the bathroom. Connor slowly getting in. He takes a step into the water. I turn my phone on and play some slow music on low so I can get in. He then groans as the water hits him. “I know it will hurt.” I say  and then get in with him. I hold his waist as the water hits my back. “The water hurts so bad.” Connor says and slowly falls into my arms. I sigh and then hold him while the water hits more me than him.  I take the bottle of shampoo and put it in his hair. I then wash it lightly as he winces as the shampoo. I then wash it out. Put conditioner in his hair. The song Thousand years comes on. I then wash my hair quickly. “May I have this dance.” I say and put my hand out towards him. He laughs a little then takes it. His hands around my neck. My hands on his hips. He then steps on my feet. I know he won’t be able to stand on his own. His head goes on my shoulder. I then dance slowly to the song. My hand on his hips still then move slowly up his back. Then back down. We stay like that for a while. I feel Connor breathe out. Then he whimpers a little. The song ends and then I wash out his hair. I was my body. He needs to do it too. I won’t do it with soap. “Connor we need to make sure water goes on your bad cuts.” I say and Connor breathes and out. I take the water in my hands and then puts it on his body. “Fuck me.” Connor says and then he moves his body out of the way of me and the water. “Almost done.” I say and then put some water on his stomach. “Ughhh” Connor cries out. I sigh and then that’s it. I finished I turn the water off and then I get out and dry off quickly throwing on some loose clothing on. I open the towel for Connor to come. I smile and then he comes into the towel. I then sit down and he sits on my lap. I then dry his hair as he stays silent. “Thank you for helping me Troye.” Connor says. I don’t say anything. I know he appreciates me. I know that he knows how I feel after a while. I get him to sit on the counter with the towel around him. I then start to put some sterile gauze then I take it and bring it around Connor’s whole stomach area.  I then tape it up. His arms up while I finish it. I go to his legs. Then wrap what I can on his legs. Then I look at his arms. I sigh and then wrap them. I then finish and look at him. He hates this I know. “I know don’t say it.” I say and he nods. I take some loose clothes and help him get dressed. I grab his pills and then give him some. I help him walk to the bed. I let him lay down and sit with him. I rub some cream on his neck massaging it for a bit. He lays down and closes his eyes I hold his hand and while he falls asleep. I then let go of his hand slowly and then walk out of the room. I sigh and close the door. I walk down the stairs and everyone is in the living room talking. Only my family. “Umm Troye can we talk?” Sage asks. I nod slowly and let them talk. “So well we have been thinking hard. Connor cutting and all. Starving. Are you cutting still Troye and be honest. If you are then tell us. We won’t be mad.” My mom says. I sigh and look down. I have to lie. I have to lie please just lie Troye. “No I haven’t cut ever since the accident. Okay I am sorry I worried you all. I love you all okay?” I say and then they all nod. “How are you holding up about dad not being here?” Sage asks with sadness in her eyes. “Umm I am okay. I mean he did hurt me and Connor. He tried to hurt you all. I just I miss him and all but, I don’t if that makes sense.” I say and Sage nods. I then hear yelling. “Troye!” Connor yells. I sigh. “Go to him.” Tyde says. I nod and then walk up the stairs. “Troye.” I hear crying now. I run in. “Baby what’s wrong?” I ask him. “My stomach hit hurts. The bucket?” He cries to me. “Yeah one second.” I say and grab it. I then run to his side. He takes it and puts it up to his face. “It hurts so bad.” Connor cries and I kneel by his side. I rub his neck lightly. “It will but, it will be over soon. The doctor said this will happen. You are getting used to the medication remember?” I ask him. He nods and then I sigh. “Just breathe I am here.” I say and then put my head on the side of the bed while he cries slowly. I feel him slowly fall asleep. I close my eyes for a minute. Drifting in and out of sleep. I drift off for a moment. I then have a tap on my shoulder. “Honey you should go to bed.” My mom says. “I know but, if he needs something I need to be awake.” I say and she sighs. “I know you want to help him. But, sleeping will help him too. He will be worried about you at school if you are falling asleep a lot. Okay try and sleep.” My mom says. I sigh and get up. I get into bed. “Troye.” Connor says. “Yeah baby I am here.” I say and then my mom leaves with a kiss on my cheek. “I am sorry for being such a need bitch.” Connor says. “No, no, no, no, Connor Joel Franta don’t ever think that okay?”  I say and he nods. I hold him close. My body not against him too much. I then feel him sleep again and I slowly drift off. I know this night will be hard. Like the every night. Waking up with scary dreams. The medication wearing off, or his stomach hurting. He can’t get comfortable. I have to be ready for him. I keep my eyes closed and drift right to sleep.

“Ahhh leave me alone!” Connor yells and then moves and kicks my leg. “Heyyy Connor it’s a dream wake up baby.” I say and then he shoots up with tears falling down his face. “Hi baby see a dream. Breathe. Look at me. I am here no one will hurt you anymore.” I say. He nods and then lays back down. He faces me and then I stroke his face lightly with my fingers. “I love you okay. Try and fall back to sleep. I am right here okay?” I say and he nods. I know this will be very long week. Maybe more. He was beaten hard. He blacked out his heart gave out. This will be hard. He needs to relax and enjoy life for now. I know it’s hard but, once he does it. It will be worth it. I know that for a fact.