Torn Between Two

Chapter 34

Connor 

I follow my sister down to the downstairs where my dad hangs out most of the time. We sit on the couch. I smell the alcohol. I close my eyes wishing Troye was here. I am just thinking the bad things she will say. She is the elephant, I am the precious flower and she steps all over me and I just keep growing to be stepped on again. I wait for the words to leave her lips. I open my eyes and see her open her mouth. "If you mention Troye, I will fucking leave." I say angry. "It's not always about him Connor." Nicola I roll my eyes and decide to listen. "I was talking to Marcus." Nicola starts. I stand up. "Sit down." She says and pulls me back so I fall onto the couch again. "He wants to apologize about what he has done to you. Tomorrow." Nicola says. "Someone like that doesn't just apologize to someone like me. Okay he is just saying that to get you to like him more. I don't give a shit if you get hurt. I warned you and you don't care. So fuck off if that's what you want to talk about." I say and am about to talk again. "I am trying to get you to like him. Like I like Troye. I have accepted you. Why can't you accept me?" Nicola asks. I stand and she does as well. "You know why! He is my fucking bully. He has beaten me up! He has fucking almost killed me with fucking, Tyler Oakley! If you can't see that then I don't want you in my life!" I yell at her. "He has changed. And so have you!" She yells and pushes me. "Ever since that Mellet has come into your life you have changed. You are never talking to me. You never even bother to anyways! Just because you are in what 'love'?" She asks with anger boiled in her blood. I feel my fists clench. "You know what it is! Nicola! It's called I am changing in a good way! Blocking out people who bring negative vibes in my life! You are one! So you know what! I hate you! I fucking hate you! If you couldn't see I wasn't happy before. Then you are blind! I am fucking depressed okay! SO FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE CALLING YOU MY SISTER!" I yell at her. I push her off of me. "You touch me one more time I will fucking go dad on you! You know how much you love him!" Nicola yells. "Don't talk about him! He is not in my life anymore! You know why! Because he hates me! You have become him Nicola you are him!" I yell at her. "I am not!" She yells back. "I wonder how long it will take you to find out that!" I yell and I start to walk away. She grabs my wrist. She digs her nails into my wrist. I whimper out. I look into her eyes. Tyler I see Tyler in her. She is becoming Tyler. I shed a tear and see that she is becoming one of them. "I never thought you would be like them." I mumble out. Tears down my face. "Grow up!" Nicola yells and then pushes me. I look at her again. All I see is Tyler, the brown in her eyes. Not the normal happy green like mine. The evil colour brown. The hate, that she posses. "You are Tyler." I mumble out seeing that smile he makes when he hurts me. I stumble back and hit my back against the table. Spilling old alcohol. I start to breath out. "I am not Tyler just because I am starting to hang with him I am not him." She says and comes closer. I put my hand out to stop her. "It takes one touch and you are far gone." I cry out and I run up the stairs. "Is everything okay?" My mom asks. I don't answer. I go sit beside Troye without a word. Nicola comes up and sits as far as she can from me. I look at the pizza and wings in front of me. I get myself a slice and then put it on my plate. I just put my head on the table. Trying not to cry.

What's the point. I let some tears fall down. He has corrupted her. Who now? Will he try and get Troye to not love me anymore? Or will he stick with me by my side forever? He will go with Tyler cause who wouldn't. He is cancer. One thing to set it off and it will spread. He will corrupt everyone I have ever known and loved. Troye my pour Troye will get that. I will lose everyone I have ever cared for. Soon my mother will become my father? Then my brothers will get corrupted by my sister. It is an endless cycle. Hurt, pain, cut, soon to be death. Troye if he leaves me. I have no reason to live. I couldn't handle it anymore. I look down to my pizza and then I look to Troye he is staring at me. I just want to tell him to not forget me and mean it. But in the long run everyone eventually leaves me. I am slowly losing my family and I don't know what to do about it. I pick a peice of cheese off the pizza and slowly take it and chew it. The taste of it is good but, I am not in the mood to eat. "Connor you not hungry?" My mom asks me. I look over to her and shake my head. "I guess not in the mood." I mumble out. I know the tears are gone off my face. But I know when I get to that room nothing will stop them. I wish I could just forget about life, everyone who did or ever cared for me. Hang myself with cuts along my wrist. Then maybe my sister will get it that I am depressed. The message to my dad. Is this the son you wanted. To Troye if he ever leaves me. Is this what you wanted me to become without you. To my brothers, I am sorry but, depression got the best of me. All those thoughts running through my head. "I get it it's okay." Nicola says in a sassy tone. "I wasn't fucking talking to you." I growl at her. My brothers look at me. Everyone does. "Connor that's no way to speak to your sister. No way in hell." My mother says. I just laugh. "Alright you know what it isn't. So maybe a little harsher?" I ask myself and sit up. Troye touches my hand. "I wish you were never born! I wish you left home one you threatened it! I hope you date Marcus and he fucking hurts you so bad you come crying home and I yell told you so and then fucking laugh at you! Nicola you know what. You are them! You are the people who tell me I am not good enough! You are one of them now. One touch and you are gone! I thought I would never ever lose my sister to them! You know what I was so, so wrong!" I yell the tears coming down my face. I look down and I hear my mother gasp. "Go to your room young man right now!" She yells at me. I just shake my head. "My fucking pleasure!" I yell and I walk into the kitchen and up the stairs not looking back. Not caring what is coming after me. If it's my brother, Troye or anyone else that cares? I don't care about life anymore! I need to focus on school and nothing else. Fuck relationships! He will just leave! He will leave me and I will die! That's what this is all about! He is with Tyler. He doesn't love me! All these things I said to him! He will tell everyone and my life will be ruined! I will drop out if I have to and just leave this area. Move somewhere else. I walk into my room and slam my door. I don't hear anything coming up the stairs. See Connor he doesn't love you, he will use this against you! You will die! You and I too the end forever! I won't leave you Connor ever! Leave me alone! I want to think alone. I hear nothing else. I lay on the bed and start to cry. They are all going to leave me. My mom will hate me! My dad already does. I have no one left. I close my eyes and try to forget about everything else. I will leave eventually so just forget about the thoughts.

DREAM

"Good job Troye, getting that information from him for fake loving him!" Tyler laughs. I look shocked at Troye. "I am sorry Connor I had to do what needed to be done." Troye says. I still see the blue eyes that I thought that loved me. "You never loved me?" I ask and he shakes his head. "Never did. Never will. Why would I? Look at you! You depressed little shit, you are super fat, ugly, and your cuts they were nothing. I want you to do more." Troye says. I look at him with shock. I thought I loved him. I thought he loved me. I thought I was finally getting loved by someone. I know I am always wrong what is wrong with me. "Connor just do us a favour baby." Troye says. Then I snap out of hate. Baby my favorite nickname from him. I look deep into his eyes. He comes closer to me. He puts his hand on my face. Then strokes it like he normally would when we would be sad. Scared. Angry. Anything. I nod and look at him. With the love I know he still has. I know I still have it. "Anything." I say in a love struck voice. "Go kill yourself." Troye says and then slaps my cheek and I stumble back. Not from the slap but the words that just came out of his mouth. GO KILL YOURSELF! That is what just came out of the person I have loved for 6 months now. We fucking lost it. We fucking lost our card. I lost my card to him. I thought he actually loved me. I thought my life was finally getting happier. I know I am always wrong. I fucking hate life. "Okay." I mumble out. Those are the last words I know I ever said to the blue eyed boy I thought I loved. My first kiss, into those eyes. Him sticking up for me. Him doing things for me I thought no one would ever do. He just threw it all away for what? Nothing. I will do it. I know this time it will really happen. Okay is the last words that came out of my mouth that day to anyone. To anyone who cared to listen to what I am, how sad I am, how depressed I am. How useless I am!

Shooting up in my bed. The tears rolling down. I hear knocking. How long was I asleep. I look at the clock. 15 minutes. That dream. It was so real. Will this happen. It will and you need to stay away from him. "Connor open the door please." Troye mumbles out. "Go away!" I yell and then throw my binder at the door. I throw his pillow off the bed. His shirt I take it off. I throw it away. His stuff I throw away onto the ground. All the things that he gave me. The stuff that is here. Is all by the door. "Connor please." Troye mumbles out again. I don't answer. I just lay on my bed numb. I hear the knocks. I can't take it. I grab all his things in my arm. I open the door. I look at him. "Babe?" He asks and I hand him all the stuff. "Leave! Leave my home!" I yell at him. "Connor what just happened?" He asks. "Wouldn't you like to know. You tell Tyler it's all a cycle. It really is a cycle so leave! I am tired of life!" I yell and push him back. I am tired of this. I am tired of life. "Connor what the hell are you talking about?" Troye asks and drops all his stuff. "That you will tell Tyler everything." I say and he shakes his head. "No I don't and won't do that baby." Troye says. That names gets me everytime. I just hang my head in defeat. Maybe he won't do this. I don't know what to believe my dreams that have just happened? Or real life. You can't always trust yourself Connor just remember that.