Torn Between Two

Chapter 25

Connor

I keep my head on his chest as we watch a movie. I don't really pay attention to the movie. Instead I listen to his steady heartbeat. The thump of the heart as it goes in and out. Who knew one little muscle could keep you alive, breathing, and thinking all at once. The one heart that my mother grew from her stomach. The one life I am taking for granted. I am tired of living this way. I hate it. I hate my dad. I wish I wasn't gay. I want Troye but, I don't want to be gay anymore. I just want a normal family. I turn my head to face the other way the light of the screen bothering me I hate when I have thoughts in my head I can't think straight, I can't even breathe right. I hate it. Dad why do you hate my so much? Why does he have to hate gays? Why does this world even invent gays? Will I go to heaven? Maybe I don't want heaven? If I have to change who I am? All these questions hitting me like a rock. Troye totally focused on the movie I turn to look at him. I move up a little. He just keeps watching the screen, I lay my head on his shoulder and I cuddle to his neck. He doesn't pay attention. I breath on his neck he doesn't bother. I then kiss his jawline. I see him smile but he doesn't react. I could do this all day. I then move down and kiss his ear. I see him smirk. His hands still on my back. I then kiss his neck. Teasing him. "Okay what?" Troye asks. "I want attention." I say and pout putting my head back down onto his shoulder close to his neck. "What does my little baby boy want?" Troye asks me. I pout a little more. Are we taking this relationship too fast? Like I have known him for years but, not this way. He was completely mean to me. He wasn't like this a couple weeks ago or was he and I didn't notice. I really don't know. "Are we taking this too fast?" I ask and Troye hits pause. "If we are we can take things slower?" Troye says. "I like it at this speed though so no." I say and then Troye nods. Hitting play again. I listen to the sound of the laptop coming through my ears. I get up. "Where you goin?" Troye asks and looks at me. "Too the washroom." I say and I open the door and close it. I walk into the bathroom and use it. I just look at my arms. This is the first time in forever I have taken my sweater in front of people. In my room alone but, in front of someone else. I have never done that. I feel free? Is that was it's like to show people your scars. I touch them lightly with my fingers. Like Troye did. You know what this is the first ever time I showed someone my scars. I never have done anything like that before. I flush and I wash my hands. I look in the mirror. My eye bags less and less each time I look at myself. My hair a mess and I still see fat. Everywhere. I hate depression. I slowly walk into the room again locking the door. Troye doesn't look my way. I grab some comfortable clothes to wear to bed. I walk back out and change in the bathroom. After changing I brush my teeth. Then brush my hair lightly. I look at my eyes. They are not too bad. I put some cream on my face from getting what every teenager gets pimples. I have a couple but, ever since I started to take care of my skin less and less come every time. I slowly start to walk back into the room. I walk over to Troye slowly.

His arms open as I come closer to him. "I see you have changed." Troye says. He doesn't even look my way. "You didn't even look." I say and he smiles. "Don't need to." Troye says. I slowly lay back on him, my eyes close lightly, not for sleep but for comfort. His arms go over my back again. I look at the computer screen. I hear Troye get a text. "Can you check that for me?" Troye says. I lean over to grab his phone. I open it no lock on it. I slide to the text message to read.

Have you decided yet Mellet remember once you pick you can't ever go back!

"Who is it?" Troye asks. "It's Tyler." I say and look at the message over and over again. "I really don't care what it says, block his number I am done with him. I have you to worry about and you only." Troye says and kisses my cheek. I snuggle up to him. He takes the covers and places it over us. I see that the movie comes to an end. "Another one?" I ask and he shakes his head. "No I don't want to watch anymore." Troye says and closes the laptop. He moves it off to the side. I keep my eyes closed. I just want to keep his warmth on my body. "Connor?" My sister says and walks into the room.

"Ohhhh umm." She says. Does she know I am gay? "You and Troye are together?" She asks. "Wait you are gay?" My sister says and then looks at us both. "Umm yeah anyways what are you doing here there is a door for a reason!" I say and sit up a little so I can see her. "Anyways I wanted to know if you wanted to go out tonight?" Nicola asks. "Umm you know how well I do with social people. I am staying here. You have fun." I say and she nods. "Also I am happy for you." Nic says and then locks the door and closes it. "Thank fucking god." I say and the put my forehead against Troye's chest. I don't understand people with their fucking knocking. It gets me angry. "Knock is it that hard?" I ask to no one. Troye puts his hands lower on my back. My lower back hot from his touch. He kisses my forehead, then my nose, to my cheeks and to my jawline. He stops there and then starts to move down to my neck. "Is it okay?" Troye asks me. I nod lightly. I have never felt a hicky before in my life. Troye slowly moves his way down to the middle of my neck and slowly starts to suck on the skin, and he kisses it once and awhile, he bites the skin a couple times, and goes for a new spot. The feeling is like a little tickle but, like a tickle that doesn't make me want to laugh. It makes my nerves send love down my body to my toes. I curl my toes up and bend my neck the other way. "Mhmm." I kind of moan out just a little one. Troye moves the sleeve part of my t shirt down a little more and starts to kiss my collar bone and where my shoulder just starts to connect to my neck. He keeps doing this all over. I moan a little every time he hits a different spot. His hands on my stomach. Not on my shirt but, underneath it. He draws small little circles on my stomach as he kisses me. He moves up a little more so he can do more and more. My fingers curl as he bites the skin on my neck a little. He starts to kiss up my neck under my jaw. "I should stop." Troye says and looks at my neck. "Or not." I moan out a little. "You like that?" Troye says and I see a smirk. "Do I ever." I whisper out. "Have you dated anyone else?" I ask him. He stops for a second. "Yeah but, I don't like to talk about them I guess I have a lot of practice. I just don't want to take it too fast with you." Troye says and I shake my head a little. "Noo that is not taking it too fast. That is fucking wonderful." I whisper out. All I can do is whisper the feeling on my neck being on fire with love is all I want to feel. Not getting beaten up, or bullied just this for the rest of my life. "I will remember that." Troye says and slowly starts to kiss my neck again.    

 The feeling overflowing with heat, my toes getting more and more curled. I love this so much. "Ohh." I moan out. I feel Troye smile as he kisses behind my ear. He nibbles at my ear a little. He kisses just beside it. He then lays my head down and slowly moves his hands to my shirt. I then feel a certain pain I normally do when I feel myself naked. The fat he will see. "Troye I am fat." I whisper to him. "Connor you're not fat." Troye says and stops for a minute. "I feel I am. When you take my shirt off if you do. You will see ugly and I hate it. I am sorry." I say and Troye slowly goes for my shirt. "You are beautiful." Troye says and kisses my cheek. I feel the shirt come up to my belly button then to my ribs. To my nipples and up to my neck. I raise my hands and the shirt is off. He will see it. He will walk out when he sees how fat I am. Troye looks down. He touches my ribs. "You are perfect." Troye whispers in my ear. Before I could say anything else. He slowly goes for my collarbone and starts to kiss there. I look down and I just see the fat rolling over. Troye's hand on either side of me. Holding me so I don't move. I then close my eyes and feel the love take me over again focus on something other than fat Connor. Focus on Troye. After give him some. Troye won't care if you ask questions. "I want you to feel this too." I moan out. "Okay." He says and kisses my cheek. He then kisses my chest and then my stomach all the way back up to my neck. "I just don't know how to do it." I mumble out. "Well I definitely can teach you." Troye says. "It's simple." Troye says. He kisses me for a long time not letting me feel sad, angry, or depressed just loved and that's all I need is love.