Torn Between Two

Chapter 30

Troye 

I kiss him. He needs more than just my kiss. I wish I could come over to his house. All I would do is kiss him. Hug him and cuddle him. I could ask again to come over. Then he could come over Sunday. I don't know. All I know is that, we have to meet Mr. Caylen soon. Connor breaks the kiss and moves to my neck. He puts his hand on my face to turn my face so he can kiss it better. He kisses it and then bites the skin slowly. I take my phone up to my face to look at the time. 3:10 our meeting is at 3:15 shit we have 5 minutes. I take his hand and kiss it. "Connor I fucking love this. But we have to go now." I mumble out. He stops and groans. "Yeah I know." I say and he puts his head on my shoulder. "I know I liked it. Maybe later." I say and he nods. I stand up and help him up. We walk into the school hand in hand. "I am super scared." Connor says. " I know you are. We will do this together. Maybe it will be good for us." I say and we walk into the school. Connor walks into the hall where we will be talking in one of these rooms. Connor takes my hand as we walk into the room where our secrets will be spilled. "Boys you can come in." Mr. Caylen says. Connor stays in one spot. I slowly walk in. "Connor come on." I say and reach for his hand, he shakes his head. I walk to him and bring him into a hug. "We will do this together." I say to him. I know he was all for it, but then when he finally reaches the door I am strong and he is scared. I understand, he is scared I am too but, the thing is he has many more secrets underneath that skin of his. I take his hand and kiss it. I then kiss his forehead. "We will do this." I say and he nods. He walks in slowly. There is a couch for two and a desk in front of that couch. I sit down and Connor sits close behind. "Well boys." Mr. Caylen says and puts his hands together. "You two are a thing or?" Mr. Caylen asks. Connor looks down. "Yeah we are. Since yesterday." I say and he nods. "Nice happy for you two." Mr. Caylen says and then takes a file out of his desk. "This is your file, I will write anything down you two talk about and stuff we need to talk about. None of this information will leave this room." Mr. Caylen says. Connor reaches for my hand and I take it and he puts his head on my shoulder.

"Alright so I know that you draw sad things. Why is that?" He asks. Connor tenses up. "Well I don't know he told me to draw my feelings out and I did." I say not mentioning I am depressed. I don't want to talk for Connor at all. "Same." Connor says not looking up at anyone. He just keeps his eyes on his feet. I put my arm around him so he feels more safe. "Are you two depressed?" Mr. Caylen asks. I feel Connor hold his breath. I want him to tell the truth. "Umm I am yes." I say and Mr. Caylen nods, and looks to Connor. He shakes his head. "Troye I can't do this. Telling my whole life story to someone I don't even know." Connor says and then moves away from me. "Connor listen to me. You told me your life story just talk to him. Like you talk to me. Hey listen. Talk to me turn to me and talk to me. Pretend you are talking to me and then you will be able to do it." I say and he nods to me. He turns to me. I take both his hands. "Alright baby are you depressed?" I ask him. He looks down. "Yes but, I don't know if I can call it that anymore. Depression is past me." Connor says to me. I look at Mr. Caylen. "What do you mean?" I ask him. He looks down. "I guess depression got to me. I have dealt with it for a while. I am used to it. It screams at me Troye. The monsters in my head. They scream at me. They tell me not to do things. I listen to them." Connor says. I kiss his hand and he starts to tear up. "I listen to them." Connor says and I wipe his tears away. "I hate it. I want them out. They ruin my life. They tell me things I don't want to do." Connor says. This is the first I am hearing about this. He has voices in my head. He has these certain voices in his head to tell him to do things. Like cut? Want to die? I have no clue. I feel so bad. But yet I have the same thing. "I know it's stupid but, they are there." Connor says. I shake my head. "I have them too." I say and he looks up. "You do?" He asks. "Yeah I do." I say and look at Mr. Caylen. I see him writing things down. "I am sorry." He says and touches my face. "No don't be sorry." I say and he shakes his head. I look at Mr. Caylen and he looks up at me. "What do those voices say?" Mr. Caylen asks. Worried for us. "What do they say for you?" I ask Connor. "They say to die, that when I do something happy they knock me down, they tell me to well you know, and they also tell me to like kill myself. Do bad things. They put thoughts into my head I don't want. I try and fight them it just doesn't work." Connor says. I sigh. The exact same thing. "The same for me. They tell me bad things and usually I listen to them." I say and Mr. Caylen nods. We sit there for a while until he finishes writing. "Alright. Guys you are going through some hard time. We will do this again next Thursday? We will talk about what makes you guys think of killing yourself. Also Connor I would like to tell you that you are lucky to have Troye and that I am very proud of you for talking today. It is a very big step in life." Mr. Caylen says to Connor. "And for you Troye I am happy for you guys are talking. I'll see you next week?" He asks. I nod and look over at Connor. He nods as well. "Alright boys have a good night and a good weekend." Mr. Caylen says. I stand up and same with Connor and we slowly walk to the front doors with everything in hand. We sit on the floor knowing it was shorter than normal. Connor puts his head on my lap while I play with hair. I decide to message my mom that I want to stay over again.

Troye: Mom is it okay if I stay over at Connor's tonight?"

I hit send and wait for a reply. Connor has demons in his head as I like to call them. "Those voices just don't go away no matter how hard you try." I say and Connor nods. "No they won't." Connor says. "I wish you could stay tonight." Connor says. I smile knowing my mom will be okay with it. I finally having a social life. I hear a ding. "I know, I wish too." I say and then look at my phone. I know it's a message from my mom.

Mom: Yeah for sure. Have fun baby.

Troye: Thanks Mom love you.

Mom: I love you too.

I hear a car pull up and we both stand up. Connor looks at me. "I'll walk you out to your car." I say and he nods. We slowly walk out hand in hand. I see his mom and smile. He opens the door. "One second." I say and walk to his mom's door. Connor standing there confused. She opens the door. "Hey." I whisper. "Is it okay if I sleep over again?" I ask and she smiles. "Of course." She whispers. I walk around to Connor he looks confused. "Alright you have to go now." I say to him. "I want a kiss before I go." Connor says. "Well you get many more when we are together tonight." I say and he looks shocked. "Wait you are staying over?" Connor asks. I nod and he starts to jump up and down like a little kid wanting so much candy. Or walking into a candy store. "Yess." Connor says and hugs me tight. "Aweee." I hear his mom calls out. I smile and we get into the car. I buckle up and Connor throws his arms around me. I smile. "Connor I forgot to tell you, I am super proud of you for being who you are and being super strong okay? I love you no matter who you love. I love Troye he is good to you. He makes you happy. So he is aloud to come over whenever he wants. And Troye sorry for my husband." His mom says. I shake my head. "Thanks mom." Connor says and kisses my cheek. I sigh and then close my eyes waiting for the nice bed and the cuddles and the kisses I will get from Connor. I know he will enjoy it. I know I sure will enjoy giving and receiving them.