Torn Between Two

Chapter 45

Connor 

I lay in bed and think. Tyler he still picks on me. Troye. I tried my hardest. One more day and then a week off and a new semester will start. I have my arms behind my head. I close my eyes. Where did I go wrong in my life? What did I do to deserve this pain? What is Troye doing? Is he okay? I should text him. We are okay but, have been distant since that day yesterday. I haven't really talked to him. Or anything. All the shit I am thinking about is. Marcus, Mark, Joe and Dion they made me do it. I feel so guilty I wake up with nightmares about it. I hate it. Dion's hands on my ass. Makes me sick to my stomach. Troye's hands on my ass is all I need. I need him to touch me. His neck is mine. Not Tyler's. My neck is Troye's not anyone else's.

To Troye: Are you okay? Jw

I put my phone down not even saying I love you. I can't send it. It won't leave my fingers. I touch my stomach from the kicks and punches. I touch my arms from all the nail marks. I keep my eyes closed until I get a text back. Troye he has been trying to talk to me more often I just stop the conversation. I feel guilty so guilty doing that. I don't want to tell him that anything happened. Maybe we should chat it out. I open my phone seeing Troye and I. I sigh a little.

To Connor: Yeah babe I am fine. I just idk. Can I come over and talk? I need to talk. I'm worried. I need to see you. You're beautiful eyes. You're cute lips. Nose. Neck. Anything please.

I sigh shaking a little while I type.

To Troye: Idk i'm.....

Is all I can send. I can't say it.

To Connor: Connor I know you are upset. Let me come over. Please we can talk this out. I need you. You need me. No matter how many times you say you don't you need me.

I put my hands on my face. Let him in. Talk to him. You accepted him for what he did with Tyler? Then why can't you accept that he will help you through this guilt.

To Troye: Okay fine, Troye I need you. So god damn much. I just idk. Come over please.

Seconds later

To Connor: I'll be over in 5. I love you babe.

And with that all I do is wait. I pace back and forth.

"You can tell him. He will accept it. That another man had his hands on you? That you kissed the necks of enemies?" I ask myself.

"No I can't tell him." I mumble to myself. I throw my body on my bed and close my eyes. You have to tell him. He will be okay with it. I can't say I love you to him unless he helps me. I need help. I need to get this guilt off my chest. I can't tell my mom, dad, or siblings I only have Troye. I sigh and keep my head on my pillow. I hear a knock at the door and I grip the pillow tight. I close my eyes pretending to sleep. I can't talk until I find the words. "Hey he is upstairs Troye" I hear my mom say. I hold the pillow even tighter. I need to breath. In and out. I hear a knock on the door. I stop breathing. "Connor?" I hear my Aussie boy calling to me. It takes me all my will not to say come in. I hear the door creak open. "Are you awake Con?" I hear Troye walk closer to me. Say something. I shake my head instead. "Can I talk with you?" I hear him ask another question. I sigh and then roll over seeing his ocean stained eyes. "Yeah." I whisper to him. "Why have you been avoiding me?" Troye asks right away. I close my eyes. I sit up and I can't look at him. I can't look at him when I say it. Look down. "I'm guilty and I can't even say it. I feel dirty." I mumble out. "What do you mean dirty? You had sex with someone else? If not that's not dirty Con." I hear Troye say. I shake my head. "Dirty as in no sex but..." I say all I can say before breaking into tears Troye stands up and walks beside me. I move a little so I am not touching him. I close my eyes. "Connor if you think I am going to hate you whatever you say, you are wrong. I love you. I know you know this. I won't judge you. Just please I want to get you talking to me." Troye says. I keep my eyes shut while the tears fall down my face. "I did it to protect you Troye. I did it because they would have hurt you." I whimper out thinking back to Dion touching my ass. I touch my lips and feel the pain they are feeling when the neck I should be kissing is Troye's. He grabs my hand and I whimper out again. "Tell me." He whispers to me. "I had to. I had to kiss Joe's neck, hickies, and Dion he well I had to kiss his neck. Then he is gay so he. He touched what is mine. He touched what is yours." I mumble out. "What your lips?" Troye asks I shake my head. "My ass Troye he touched it. Now I can't get the thought of him touching me instead of you." I say. Troye touches my cheek lightly.