Torn Between Two

Chapter 62

Connor

I had to leave. I can't take him back. He cheated on me. I can't do that. Would you? I mean I miss him. I said some harsh things. He just needs to know the truth. Tomorrow will be hard without him. I won't have him to protect me. Honestly if Tyler wants to kill me I will let him. I won't care. I want to die anyways. Ever since the first day of High School. I have been through way too much and I have no one to tell me I am doing a good job anymore. I walk along the road. He can have my clothes. I have my phone and that is all I need. I run to my driveway the tears coming down. I lost the best thing in my life. I haven't been home. I stop at my door and then start to feel a pain in my stomach. I then lean over my railing and throw up everything I have in my stomach. I wipe my mouth tears falling down my face.

I then open the door and think. What am I going to say to my family? That Troye and I are no longer together? Or maybe that we are having a break? Is this a break? I am cut out of thought by someone's voice. "Connor?" My sister asks and comes around the corner. "Oh great he is back. Not enough butt sex?" My dad asks. "Where is Troye?" She asks and I just push past her without an explination. "Connor." My sister says and then spins me around. I see my dad there. "Nicola he didn't get enough sex. He is just wanting to have some space right?" My dad asks and coming close to me. Looking me in the eyes. "No you know nothing. I am here because Troye and I are no longer in a relationship. I am single you happy now?" I ask staring into my dad's eyes not showing any fear.

"Yeah sure am. Now you can turn straight." My dad says and pushes me back. I am backed up into a wall. "Dad leave him alone please." Nicola says. Trying to pull him back. "I am okay Nicola leave." I say and she sighs she walks back a little not going too far. "Now I don't have to beat you as much. I mean to get the gay out of you!" My dad yells. I just close my eyes. "Fucking kill me while your at it next time you hurt me!" I yell at him and push him back. "That's what you want right? A straight son? So fucking kill me! I don't want to be here anyways!" I yell and then push past him. My mom yelling at my dad. My sister running after me. I walk into my room and punch the wall. My sister looks at me. "Connor." She says with tears down her face. I start to cry harder. "I meant what I said Nicola." I say and then go to my bed and look at my bed. "Did mom wash these recently?" I ask her and she nods. "Good." I say and then fall onto my bed. The tears coming down. She sits next to me. "What did Troye do?" Nicola asks lightly trying not to cry. "He cheated on me. He kissed Tyler. I have no one left now. So yeah if he kills me whatever." I say and then I take my shirt off as fast as I can. I turn my back to her. She then touches my back. "Connor." She says and then runs her hand to my stomach. "You self harm?" Nicola says. "Used to." I mumble and I then hold my pillow tight. "When was the last time?" Nicola asks me. I just sigh. "I don't know." I say truthfully. I hate having to answer questions unless they are....... Troye's. "Okay. I am here to talk to. Please don't do more." Nicola says I nod and then she puts her pinky out. When we were 7 we would do this. "Pinky promise." Nicola says and I look at her. Like I did when we were little. I then see the gentle girl. I then put my pinky out and wrap it around. I know it might break but, I know that killing myself is better than cutting. "I miss you Connor. Troye. I am sorry that he did that." Nicola says. The word Troye even kills me. I just close my eyes. "I don't care. Whatever." I say and then look away from her. "Connor you do. Lying to me is hard. I have been your sister for a while. Breakups suck. I have been through them and I don't know about one now. But still, going through a breakup is hard and defently your first one. Connor just talk to me." She says and I shake my head. "I can't. The words don't come out Nic. I can't. He hurt me what else is there to say?" I ask her and she sighs. We stay silent. I close my eyes. "Depression, self harm, what does that all mean?" I ask so myself out loud. "I say it means that I am weak that I don't deserve happiness. To others it mean I have been strong too long and fighting a big battle. My thoughts mean nothing to what I want to actually do sometimes. Troye he always told me to never listen to them and to listen to what he has to say. I listen to him. I mean sure he is right try and not listen to them. It's more than that now those voices are trying to tell me something. I don't know what yet. But something. Nicola just know that I love you so much and no matter what happens I love you. Okay just remember that." I say and she looks at me. "Okay I will." She says and then she nods her head. She walks out. Little does she know I am probably going to break that promise soon enough.