Torn Between Two

Chapter 29

Connor

I lay on Troye's lap talking about whatever. His hands play with my hair as we chat about whatever. We are really just getting to know each other. What we know best about each other. I need to know. We need to know. "Connor?" Troye asks. I open my eyes. "Yeah?" I ask and look into his eyes. "Can we call tonight or like facetime?" Troye asks. I smile . "Of course." I say and he looks around. No one in the hall. "Okay." He says and kisses my forehead. I put my face into his shirt to hide the light. "I am scared for tonight." I say truthfully. "For which part? The meeting with Mr. Caylen or just going home?" Troye asks me. I swallow my spit. "Both, I hate talking, I hate even bothering with my feelings. As you like to call me. A closed book. I hate emotions and I keep it all to myself when I you know." I say and then touch my arm. "And what if he hurts me again Troye? I can't handle that." I mumble out. "Just stay in your room. With music on and the door locked." Troye says, I groan. "Troye what if he threatens my mom or my other siblings?" I say and hold his hand tight to my chest. "If he does call the cops. I know he is your dad but, he can't be hurting you like that anymore." Troye says. I know he can't be doing that to me. I know he shouldn't be hurting me like that but, what can I do? He has to support the family. He brings home money and a family without a dad is hard. I would never ever see my mom again. Take the abuse. Let him hurt you if you need to. Just hide it with makeup. "Okay." I say and close my eyes again. Troye reaches into his pocket and pulls something out. A box of something. I look at the box. Cigarettes. He smokes! "Troye you smoke?" I ask sitting up not even knowing why he never told me this. "Not exactly. Heard the saying You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do it's killing. Fault In Our Stars." Troye says. I smile and he puts it between his teeth. "They will get you in shit." I say and Troye shakes his head. "Shhh." He says I take the box and look at it. I smile then he takes it out of his teeth and puts it between my teeth. "There I find it calms me down taking deep breaths. Like smoking but, not." Troye says and then he takes another one out. He breaths in and then out. He plays with the little flap on the box of smokes. "I just think it helps me think mainly." Troye says and someone walks by. He takes it out of his mouth. Then I do as well. The guy looks at us and we play it cool. Then when he turns into one of the classrooms we put it back between our teeth. "You are holding it wrong." Troye says. He then takes his out and mine. "Okay so make sure your teeth are holding the filter, and then make sure you have your fingers in a v shaped with two." Troye says and shows me. I then take the smoke and put it between my teeth. I giggle a little. Then I put my two fingers like he told me too . "There now you know how to kinda smoke." Troye says and then puts the pack away for now. I decide to grab my art book. "Troye tell me what you think about this." I say and then open to the page I drew Troye on. I haven't showed him yet. That's when I was falling for him. "Wow." Troye says and then touches the artwork. "I am in love with this when did you do this?" Troye asks and I look up. "When I could." I say not even caring about the details at the moment. He touches the face with the 'paint ' crossing his face. "TRXYE?" Troye says and then thinks. "I like that." Troye says. I smile and kiss his nose. "If you want you can have it." I say and slowly take the book out of his hands.

"Connor I can't do that." Troye says and I shake my head. I grab a pen from the art bag and I turn the page over to show the blank page. I then start to write. I close the cap and hand it to him. He turns it over. "To my beautiful boyfriend Troye. Love Connor." Troye says and smiles at my writing. "Thank you." He says and kisses my cheek. He takes my hand and kisses it as well. Math is next and it really really sucks. I hate that class. It depends on the day. If I want to go to '3' class it's really a spare I haven't failed I should take the course but it's online. Sometimes I don't want to do it. I just usually skip it or not even bother and get my math done. So usually I have another good 75 minutes after lunch to do whatever but, I just go to math why bother. Troye has the same but a spare. He has art, science, spare ish/ math. It ties into one. It's so stupid how they did that. I hate it. Troye hates it. Everyone who has a spare hates it. Troye slowly rubs small circles onto my back as he hums to me. I keep my eyes closed as he does this. It makes me feel more at home. More alive. More loved. I know that;s all he wants for me to feel like this morning when Tyler came up to us. He tried so hard to not let me feel fat. But I know I am not but, at the same time. I know I am. I have to let that emotion out and breathe and walk away. I know he loves me, I know I love him. But, love is the most fucked up drug of them all. You have to choose the way you play the cards. You play one wrong card and everything can go downhill very very fast. If you play the right cards, then the relationship will get stronger and happier. I just have to learn to play my cards right and I will end up happy? We have math next. So much fun. "You know what?" I ask Troye who is just humming looking at his phone. "What?" Troye asks me looking down. "I think this relationship will work out really well." I say and he smiles. "I think it will too." Troye says. He touches my face. Then people start to come into the halls. Lunch almost over. Shit soon I have to talk to Mr. Caylen. I hate talking. Troye knows this more than anyone. He is the only one I have talked to about shit. I sit up and put my head on Troye's shoulder. We don't talk anymore not wanting anyone to hear what we are talking about. I see Tyler walk by and I keep my eyes down. "Ewww so gross. Look Marcus." Tyler says and points to us. "Ewww Mellet is such a traitor. I am tired of him. He is going to get what is coming for him soon enough." Marcus says. I tense up. They walk away. I turn to him. "This is why I didn't want you with me. Troye they are going to hurt you. You will get so hurt. I know the pain of Tyler and Marcus. All them. They hurt so bad." I start to panic. "Hey Connor." Troye says. I breath out and look at him. "They won't hurt me. We have people behind us. We have teachers who can take them out. Remember that." Troye says and touches my cheek with his warm hand. "Yeah but, they will hurt you badly that you will be too scared to go to someone. Like me. I am too scared to go and get help. If they find out they will kill me." I say and Troye sighs. "They won't hurt me. If they do I won't let them do it again okay?" Troye asks me. He stands up and offeres me his hands. I take it and I go in for a hug. I need to hug him. I need his smell. I close my eyes when he puts his arms around me. He holds me tight. I see my sister walk by. How does she not see when Tyler beats me up? How does no one ever see that Tyler Oakley and almost half the school beats me up? I just don't get it. The bell rings but, I don't let go I can't let go. I need this right now. He just holds me. He knows that I don't want to let go. About 3 minutes later I let go and grab my binder and we walk to class silent. I sit in my desk and Troye sits in his. I put my head down while I listen to the teacher. He gives us textbook work. I start to work at the questions, until I get something thrown at me. I look at the paper and I look over to see Marcus smiling. He gestures to open it. So my stupidity does. I look at Troye and he shakes my head. I just set it down. I don't bother. For a while I don't pay attention until I catch the first word on the paper. So my suspicious side gets to me. I open it up.