A Glimpse at my Emotions

[ANGER]

2017-04-16, 12:30 PM

Not. Again.

I'll have to keep this in my private journal as well, but I honestly need to get this off my chest to most of you, if not all. 

I just don't understand why my mother has to do this--she's practically dehumanizing me right now to the point where I don't feel like I'm human anymore. I feel like a slave right now doing everything for her. It feels as if I can't have anymore time to myself, to reflect on everything and find my own path again. It feels as if I can't do anything that makes me satisfied.

All I feel every single freaking day is anger. Anger, anger, frustration, sadness, depression, hatred. And that's just a problem. If one person does the slightest thing that blows me up then there's no telling when the tempest would die down. At all. And honestly, every day I feel tainted, feel less and less human and more and more like a speck of dust, close to nothing.

She just had to force the truth on me again.

She just had to argue with me over the mouth and words I can't control. 

She just had to stop me from doing everything I loved once--writing, music, everything--because of how less of a human I have become. In her words, at the very least.

Why can't she just understand that everything is spiraling out of control for me? And to think that I was the reason that everything had been screwed up? To think that I was the reason why I feel less human? It's just the way I am! Discipline could only do so much before it completely wears off of me, because I have never been rebellious until now. I wanted freedom. I wanted to know what I can do. And I wanted to know where I belong in this world.

I want to do so much, yet it feels like she's stopping me.

I want to do something meaningful, yet it feels like everything I do means nothing.

Every tear I shed, every word I scream, means nothing to her. She tells me to pick myself back on my feet, but my figure has already shattered in a million different pieces--way too many for me to piece back together. That is just how broken I am right now.

The entire family is falling apart right now, and she said it's my fault.

My academics is plummeting, and she said it's my fault (okay, maybe it is, but I have already come to terms with what I want to change, and yet it was they who couldn't find the heart to accept it!).

Even my reputation here on Wattpad seems to mean nothing. I've written so many fanfictions and made so many friends, yet what would it be for when no one I feel is listening?

I have honestly never felt more disgusted at everything, including myself. People have been telling me that I was the strongest person they've ever met, but now I've never felt more weak.

And now that I think about it, I really still don't know what to do anymore. I can't figure any of this out with all of these condemning remarks getting to me, and all from my own mother. And even my sister. It feels as if every day they've been beating at me trying to do something in the fashion that makes me feel like a helpless slave.

They even threw away my headphones for that matter! I never thought it would even come down to this!

I've had it! I'VE HONESTLY HAD IT.

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T FIND JOY IN ANYTHING ANYMORE WHEN ALL I FEEL IS ANGER.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT FAMILY WOULD BE THERE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER. SEEMS LIKE THAT SUPPORT HAS BEEN ALL I'VE EVER LACKED, AND YET THEY TREAT IT AS IF THEY'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG WHEN ALL THIS TIME THERE'S BEEN A BROKEN GIRL SITTING RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES WHICH THEY'VE DELIBERATELY IGNORED.

I HONESTLY CAN'T TAKE THIS. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.