A Glimpse at my Emotions

[ANGER and SADNESS]

2017-05-29, 1:24 PM

They keep telling me that what they tell me is for my own good. To this day, I still don't see how.

Literally, all I can feel is betrayal. It's been going on since yesterday and I have no idea whether my altered mind and set of events was a factor in this. This morning, I wrote in my journal that as wild of a theory as this could be, it was true; it seems that my parents believe my sister way more over me. 

Yesterday we had a good time, my sister and I, heading out to this restaurant to join the community orchestra for a celebratory pre-concert luncheon, and then we had orchestra practice. After that, things began going downhill.

First, my sister said that somehow I disobeyed the conductor. Frankly, that wasn't true, and I knew exactly what happened. We were switching parts for a song that required strings, and I was a trumpet player at the time who had to switch instruments and play the violin instead, but my violin section had nowhere to sit so the conductor suggested all of us to sit in the winds section. I was setting up my violin in my trumpet section and while the rest of the violinists came over trying to find a spot to sit, I told them to find a seat somewhere if they had their music. I wasn't finished setting up at the time. Then my conductor told me I was leading, which I knew quite well; I was aware of that, but I still had to set my instrument up and then find a seat that made it look like I was leading. That was eventually what I did. Unfortunately, my sister told my mother that I was arguing with the conductor, which I haven't even done. All I said was, "Okay, sure. Let me find a seat..." and then I found one with no other disruptions.

I mean, really!

Then she told my mother that I disobeyed her in the second half of rehearsal. Okay, this time I was sitting behind her in the first violin section, and I get that she's concertmaster and everything but does a statement talking about the glare from the light onto my music really count as an actual argument? The thing about our orchestra music is that they put them in sheet protectors in black binders, which is evidently different from our orchestra in Waterloo, where we use original copies from our next-door university neighbour. So she told me during a Dvorak piece to play softer at a certain place, which I have--the only reason I might have slacked on volume was because I realized we were rushing. I know it wasn't my place to reign the section in, but I tried to anyway with drastic results.

Oh, and one more thing: she told her that I said something rather rude about her in the luncheon. We were sitting on different tables in this Japanese BBQ place, and near the end she said something I couldn't hear, so I was like, "I'm sorry, what did you say?" and she said, "I'll text you." That was it. She then said I said, "I had no clue what my sister just said."

What the hell? I never said anything of the sort! I just looked at my phone and opened my messaging app the moment she sent me the text. That was it. 

Why didn't I dare say anything in the matter when my sister told my mother all this? Well. No one ever believed my word for anything. No one took my word for anything at all. Lately I felt that everything I ever said gets rebuffed and rejected in some way. And today while driving home from something with my mother the lights inside the car were somehow left on even after the vehicle was in motion, so the moment we parked in the garage she then told me to try and turn them off because she had no idea how they were left on.

This is kind of how the conversation went.

Mom: How the hell are these lights on? I wasn't the last one who drove the car.

Me: I don't know.

Mom: Okay then, help me turn them off.

Me: I don't know how! You think I'd know how to turn them off if I don't know how they were even on in the first place? It had been like this since yesterday!

Mom: Just help me, alright?

Me: I don't know how!

Mom: GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN CAR AND DON'T YOU EVEN DARE TRY TO DRIVE IT.

Me: (*gets out of the car and makes lunch for myself*)

Mom: (*enters a moment later*) It would be your fault if all the electricity in the car runs dead!

Me: Are you really going to put the blame on me?

Mom: Duh, of course! You're the last one to use the car!

Me: Well, I have never touched anything that triggered the light to turn itself on! Why don't you ever believe me?

Mom: When did I ever say I never believed you?

Me: Hmm, let me think. Since I came back this year from Waterloo? Even you said it! "You always treat this 'I don't know' phrase like a saviour!" Oh, well, what if all that I've said was the truth? What do you expect me to do then, lie?

Mom: I didn't tell you to lie!

Me: Just be quiet and stop lying to me. You never believed me.

Mom: I 100,000% believed you back in the car!

Me: No you didn't! You kept talking over me when I couldn't find a damn solution for the car's lights. You were the one who told me to get out of the car!

And so on, so forth, until I have ended up being this highly disgruntled and shut myself up in my room to avoid talking with my mother because right now, I greatly resent her. 

Just now she told me to clear up the counter and told me, "Gods, Clara, you don't even know how to behave so shut your damn mouth and listen to me for once."

Or something like that.

And then it went on like how I refused to speak Mandarin at home and using this "I don't know" as this go-to answer for everything and hiding behind my computer for haven.

I beg your goddamn pardon? I have honestly had it. I really don't know what to do about this because if I have to hear another word of hers telling me how incapable and stupid and rude I am--

(*smashes a glass*)

Update 2:14 PM

So now my laptop is gone too! I mean, what does she even know? Does she know she's the reason I'm this upset? She kept telling me back in the past to apologize to her just because she's my mom, but now we're equals, adults, and yet I'm still being treated like a child. Having all these privileges taken from me? It's ridiculous. Not to mention I have an assignment due tomorrow and everything is on there. Nothing's on Google Drive.

If I end up getting completely screwed over, it would not be my problem.