A Glimpse at my Emotions

A secret

2017-09-05, 1:19 PM

Can I let all of you in on a secret right now? I mean, I don't know if I'd consider it much of a secret as it would a serious fear. 

So most of you--okay, fine, all of you--know that in the past, I've been involved in quite a few Selection roleplays. It's kind of weird, but the idea of falling in love was something that kind of stuck with me since I watched Disney princesses find their princes and live happily ever after. I mean, come on! I used to believe in fairy tales--I'm sure most of you have.

But now, the idea of falling in love scares me.

Sure, watching people come together stirs something within me--something warm and light. But with that comes a slightly fearful sensation. Now thinking back on all the Selection roleplays I've been in, I realized just how horrifying the whole idea of falling in love actually is.

The Selection is almost exactly like real life. I've been in several situations and I've seen several scenarios where many girls crush on one guy and then that one guy either backs away from them or finds the one from the crowd. And I've also been in many scenarios in which the guy backs away from the girl after realizing just how much of a creep she could be. The heart is not so easily won. You think you know the other person you have your own heart set upon...but in reality, everyone is just a mystery. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has guards. And not everyone is in on the whole idea of love in the first place.

My family hasn't exactly been at the best because of my mom and dad's inability to accept their differences. Well, it's more with my dad always getting involved in things he shouldn't be, which then brings on a full-fledged argument between my mom and dad and (occasionally) me that results in a serious grudge held for hours a day. I remember before we left for Newfoundland last June, there was a misunderstanding between my sister and my father about electricity and power saving or something--I'm not sure exactly what the details were--that reduced my sister to tears. This lead to me and my mother screaming at my dad for making her so upset. I could go on about the things that we've been through that drove so many cracks into our familial relationships, but long story short, it's because of them that I always find myself scared to talk to them when I needed help. I find myself scared to confess the truths to them. It's like I never could truly understand them and why they act this way. I thought all along, if a couple was committed to have a family, they had to have trust in each other--they had to keep their love going strong.

They didn't.

Every day I think to myself now whether falling in love is the right thing for me to do. The idea of love and marriage and just a happy life with someone--it puts a smile on my face. Really. But now I don't know whether it's wise to just fall so willingly when my parents no longer fit the example of a loving couple. If I could foresee my future as easily as the Fates, I'd know whether I'd be happier alone or with someone else. Since last summer, I vowed never to fall in love. After several helpless young crushes, I had finally put my guard up again the same way my parents had.

I swear, every time they talked about me possibly marrying off to a guy with reputation, I'd turn away from the conversation. I mean, it's not even possible. I don't want to marry if I knew that I'd end up in the same position as my parents have now.

My sister, in the meanwhile, actually has a lot of time. She's still in high school, and she's not too fond of teenage love so I applaud her for the time being. I mean, thoughts of lifelong companionship at her age is very rare, and probably a bit unwise if one actually does go along with the idea of it. But me? As an adult? I don't have that flexibility anymore. I've been avoiding people as much as I could just to stop myself from feeling hurt by betrayers--people I don't understand who end up wounding me in ways they couldn't seem to realize. 

I just don't want to be deceived by something I thought we had, you know? 

The future is always terrifying for me to think about, whether it'd be academics or real life--and the mere thought of marriage is no exception. I'm scared to even think about getting into a relationship at all.

I'm scared of falling in love.

Philophobia: the fear of love, or falling in love