A Glimpse at my Emotions

heartbroken

2017-11-13, 8:47 AM

I don't know what is happening anymore between me and C.

Everything seemed fine while they lasted. There were moments when I felt so scared, frightened of what happened in the past, paralyzed at the thought of losing myself to our romance and whatever we had. But he was always there to catch me. No matter what it is I'm going through, he caught me at the other end with open arms. And I caught him with mine, despite the fact that I was the uneasy one out of the two of us to move forward with a committed relationship.

Yet it seems like this time, he let me fall. He let me land on hardened asphalt.

Yesterday, I had a huge argument with my mother that lead to me being completely unable to think and swearing a slew of things at her out of pure anger. Her counterattacks made my mind so clouded with rage and despair--and maybe I was acting like a total drama queen, but at the moment I really needed someone to talk to, vent to, just to clear my mind.

So naturally, I turned to C. I texted him one sentence, around 23 hours ago.

"C, I can't breathe."

(except I used his real name instead of just C).

What didn't he do? Respond.

I felt like giving up on him right then and there. I mean, it's true that we hadn't seen each other for a while, let alone even text each other. And I respect that! He works 2 jobs almost every day--one at Best Buy during the day (which scatters, because he works during different periods that I can't really keep up with), and one at a hotel from 11 in the evening to 7 in the morning. So I get that his schedule works differently than mine. It's not like anyone is available to talk 24/7. But right then and there, when he didn't even lift a finger, I felt crushed.

I was lucky my other friend from my elementary school days up to the present was able to call me and see how I was doing, otherwise I would have been completely dejected for the rest of the day. Which I still kind of was, but I felt a little lightened by my elementary friend's concern for me. He stuck with me through the years, and despite the fact that he's a year younger than I, he was able to understand the situation with my parents and offer good advice.

The day wore on, and there was no word from C. Not a text, not a message through Snapchat, nothing. All through last night I had dreams about him (shh!) and expected a text from him when I woke up, but still, nothing. 

I called him.

He refused to pick up.

I left him a message.

I still haven't heard back from him.

I get that it's not worth moping over a guy--after all, women are meant to be strong human beings too--but at this point, I really don't know what to think. Was this his way of calling for a break? Or is he cutting off whatever we had for good?

I didn't want to forget every long embrace we had. I didn't want to forget the sensation he left behind with his lips on mine--almost like a gentle rush of warmth through my limbs. Even his hands holding mine brought a trill through my heartstrings, putting a smile on my face throughout. And his arm around me makes me feel safe--still on the descent, but certain that he'd be there to catch me.

Being with him brought a million different shades to our friendship, and now with me testing out the waters of a relationship I found a multitude of hues, the greater variety of shades to a spectrum that drew me in. The last thing I wanted was for the magic to cast me out.

Maybe it had this time--and for good.

This wasn't like my amateur crushes in high school, where people would be overly obsessing over what they felt over hot boys. C wasn't that hot--in my opinion--but he was still kind, caring, and he had a heart open for me. Through my times of struggle, he was there.

Now? I don't know what I'd do without him.

I promised myself this would be the last time I would test myself out in the realm of love. It's clear that I'm incompetent to imagine myself in a long-lasting romance, let alone a committed relationship. I guess he broke it off because of me.

It was all my fault. I still want to feel something for him but I don't know if I still can. And maybe he thinks the same way. Maybe he can't feel anything for me because it just seems as if I can't do anything for him, like I can't catch him whenever he fell. Like I can't hold him when he's falling apart.

Like I can't return what he felt for me.

And even if I did, what would it mean for me? I'd lose myself entirely. Every time I was with him, I felt like a different person--and I can't tell if it's a good or bad different. All I knew is that he opened my eyes to something new. I just don't want to let go of it.

It's all probably coming down to a sad ending but if I were the Clara of the past, I'd say it'd be a good riddance and move on.

Now, I'm not so sure.