A Glimpse at my Emotions

I'm Sorry.

2017-05-16, 9:12 AM

I'm sorry. That's really all I have to say. I'm sorry for not being the person you wished I was. I'm sorry for not being the reliable friend you expected me to be. I feel like every day I'm hurting at least one of you, and I'm sorry for that.

I know most of you may argue with me, but last night I was going through something on Wattpad and I realized just how bad of a person I truly was. I understand now why people are pressing the 'Unfollow' button on my profile now. I've been lashing out on people when it was clear that I was hurting and at the most sensitive of times. Whatever I thought was rational only turned out to be rather dumb and stupid and just--I don't know. It just feels like as if I'm not what you expect me to be. It probably wouldn't show most of the time, but when it does, we all know.

Let me tell you the truth. Once, I was probably the happiest person alive. My future once looked so bright. But now? It's only getting dimmer with every passing day. That is, until one day it hits me point-blank in the face like an arrow through my nose. Everything is just pulling my strings taut to the point where I'm snapping at even my own parents, who I thought were the ones provoking me. It turned out that they were right. I'm the one screwing my own life up and there's no telling whether I can get it back on track again.

Not to mention, I think I'm losing my memory too. I've just found out this morning that my skull seemed to have a dent from where I was sure I hit my head two years ago against that tree (look at the last part if you don't know what I mean) and now I can't remember when we went on what trip, or whether I locked the door last night after retrieving the mail. It hurt trying to remember what I never thought I'd forget.

Everything just seems to be looking down on me and that's mostly why I've changed my profile from colourful and joyful to something black and white, monochrome, and void of emotion. I get what I am. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being the friend you want to rely on, or the happy bubbly person you expect that I'd be since I first started off on Wattpad. I'm sorry for being a failure. I'm sorry for dumping all my burdens on all of you. I'm sorry for a lot of things, and I understand if you don't forgive me.

I might just take a break from Wattpad for a while, and I'm being serious this time. I'm not going to roleplay, or update any of my books. The most I'd probably do is check for AG updates, but that's probably it. I'm falling behind on a lot of expectations, and I don't want any of you to follow my example. I don't want you to be the person I am now--a person unable to find the joy in anything anymore, having it snatched away so quickly and so soon.

I'm sorry. I truly, truly am. But until I can find out who I am and what I want to be, I can't continue making up stories and hiding behind made-up fictional characters who I know I'm not.