A Glimpse at my Emotions

[FEAR]

2017-05-14, 9:40 AM

Academic standings for the previous term are coming out soon and holy crap am I scared as hell right now.

I know, I did not do well in the last term and right now I'm freaking out. I don't want to get kicked out of school and maybe the most I could do is try to raise my average by the time I return to school in the fall, but that's really about it. There was also the matter of trying to take care of myself which I had failed to do...and I know, I know what you're all thinking. An irresponsible adult like me shouldn't even be doing this to herself--not when she's just starting out in life.

But the more I think about everything, the less secure I feel. I know that the only thing I can do is continue with what I'm given, and hope that fate plays out in a more favourable way come the next term, but things have been hard for me to keep up. All I hope is that they just give me one more warning and then I'll be able to make up for my abysmal performances with birdie courses, but what if I am out?

I've been consoled a few times in the last few weeks, told that a person's intelligence isn't just measured by his/her grades on their transcript. And yes, I've heard of a few famous instances--Walt Disney, J.K. Rowling...I suppose the list could go on. But what can I do to save my own skin and my future--a seemingly bleak future which only looks like a black hole the longer I stare at it?

And to think that I'm already doing myself a favour by not signing up for any more Author Games, or any more roleplays...what if I have done so too late?

Okay, you can all argue with me. But my head had been in constant pain and my attention span had evidently shortened in the last term. I don't know why. I keep coming up with this wild theory that it might be an aftereffect from the concussion-like injury I got two Septembers ago--almost 2 years ago during an orientation activity someone pushed me backward into a tree and I ended up bashing my head on the trunk and suffered serious jaw pain. Long story. But what if it had damaged a few cells in my brain? I couldn't remember most details about my past after that.

Another theory? My failure to recover after my grandfather's death. And the fact that out of the rest of the family, I haven't been to China in the last 3 years, and everyone else had been able to visit at least once or twice per year since my last visit. So I was never able to go back and get closure.

(*groans*)

A ton of you may tell me not to worry, and I get why. As Newt Scamander's philosophy goes, "worrying makes you suffer twice". But oh dear god in heaven help me. My mother's swooping on me like a hawk right now and if she finds me 'stepping out of line' then she'd shut me and all my privileges down (right now she's betting that if I don't finish a Chinese report to her by 8 PM tonight she'll take my laptop away which would mean practically no way to submit anymore Author Games or assignments for my online courses or roleplaying, and it makes things harder already since I don't have my cell phone anymore). My dad's already pissed at me. My mom too. Initially her supposed calm demeanour was just a way of hiding her anger, I'm sure. And every single day I've been beaten down upon for acting like a total child, tying herself to the computer without another clue what to do.

I honestly think I should go see a doctor, but I've never raised the idea because every time I talk to my mom, she explodes and talks to me again about my incompetence.

I've got a great many logical explanations--but what does she understand?

(*sighs*)

Anyway, I thought I'd get this off my chest. Now it's back to slumping on the ground and groaning and crying I go.