A Glimpse at my Emotions

i can't do this

2018-12-08, 4:00 PM

Maybe it's just me being absolutely pessimistic right now and incessantly asking for confirmation or validation that I'm not a bad person, but every single effing day it feels as if I can't even do anything useful without someone commenting after it or blowing up over it.

Today, I was late for my English tutoring. Typical, right? Not to the average employee who would always plan ahead and arrive on time, completely prepared with all necessary materials and stuff. I was held back by an electricity shortage due to some construction done by my father this morning, and my printer would not receive my data. Besides that, this entire week I had to deal with laundry, organizing what to bring to school and what not to bring to school, and then contemplate on what the hell I want to do with my life. The thing is, I don't know. My parents thought I did when I brought up possibilities of doing urban planning or maybe some 3D designing, but those are just words. I wasn't sure if I was going to follow through with them.

So I ended up coming late, and the student ends up telling me that he had very little to eat for lunch, and our class was only punctuated by his need to sharpen his two colouring pencils and not pay attention to the exercises I gave him. 

Then I go to the other senior class I have to teach, only to be told by the principal when I went to photocopy things that my teaching is currently under par. I've had complaints from parents, apparently, who told me that I wasn't even teaching. 

Now, the context behind this is that I've only been given this class last month, which meant I had no resources or anything to back me up. None of the old teachers gave me anything to work off of, so for the time being I was winging it with general grammar lessons. Eventually it's occurred to me that everyone needs to learn something different so I had to start preparing new lessons for everyone in different levels (and mind you, I had to teach grades 5 through 8 students. Teaching something that conforms to all grades is not recommended, apparently).

So eventually after photocopying I was off again, and feeling a little bit worse than before. And the worst part? My mom demanded to know what the hell happened. After all this trouble I went through, even to talk to a parent after class about concerns for a student's work ethic in class, I end up with my mother telling me that I basically screwed everything in my life up by taking upon myself the strong addictions of video games and neglecting everything else.

"I TOLD YOU WHAT TO DO! YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME! YOU TOLD ME YOU FINISHED ONLY TO TELL ME NOW YOU DIDN'T?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

This is why I should never have told my mom anything. But even if I didn't, the truth would come out either way. I'm scared of what she'd do--I mean, to be fair, she already have yelled at me and berated me and beat the crap out of me. She said I was messing my own life up, just by being here, and playing Pokemon GO and Hogwarts Mystery and investing in a life that should not have been mine.

I mean I have zero interest in programming! I have almost little interest in geography! There! I said it! Just because it's a great opportunity for me to "catch up with society" doesn't mean that I have to be in the loop all the damn time! I can still choose another major or another life path and still be in the loop. But no, they assume I live in my own little world full of fantasy, all while blocking out the real world and a certain thing called "REALITY".

Which, I'll admit, I've done. And the last thing I even want to think about is what I'll do in the future.

Clearly, if I can't teach, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just straight up tell the principal next week and tell her that I'm resigning, and maybe not come back for the new year. This isn't the first time I'm getting complaints, too--in my previous class, teaching first and second graders, I also got the same issues. Parents coming to me telling me that the work I give the children is too hard when the worksheets I have looked up match the exact grade level.

Maybe if I can't be a good student, or a good child, or even just a good daughter, I should just quit being one. Maybe I should just wander around while people point at me and laugh at me and spread rumours about me. Maybe I should just live in the slums.

I don't know what I can still do, or how I can still salvage myself without making my parents disappointed in me. I have no motivation to do anything, and none of their advice is even helping. Heck, all I want to do now as I write this is to just scream and tell them to leave. Even now I am still full aware of their presence and I just want them to go.

Honestly I can't. I can't do thi