A Glimpse at my Emotions

[ANGER]

2017-05-21, 3:39 PM

I don't get this. One moment I was drawing peacefully and then next minute my paper was taken away from me, and I am now confined to the books again.

I mean, why? Is it just because I failed the class and I have to take it again? Is it just because of the shortage in personal funds for me to pay for both my rent and my education for the next school term? Is it just because my parents are sick of seeing me "slack off" like this?

Look, I have had a hell of a first month back home already if you haven't figured it out yet. I got low marks, my cell phone had been taken up for what seemed like a painstakingly long time, and because of this my anger issues are harder to control and my headaches/migraines are becoming much more frequent. Yes, you heard it from me first. I've been having serious headaches since I got back--headaches and migraines that made me want to scream. And not to mention, I probably flunked my first assignment in my online course for the spring--not the co-op PD one, but the one I had to pay another $700 for so I could get myself back on track again.

So naturally, I have forgotten about the course I failed. And I'm not talking about computer science because I'm not going to take it anymore.

But now my mother thinks I can't handle doing anything by myself anymore, and she thinks I'm becoming a bad example for my sister too. Not to mention, she literally just threatened me that if I don't read my lecture notes from the course I failed now, she would cancel my airline ticket to head to several vacation spots this summer. And she wouldn't send me back to school. 

I keep mentioning I've been doing myself a favour by stopping all participation in all writing contests (save for one which hasn't been updated since February and I'm waiting for the finale to come around) and I've pretty much halted consistent roleplaying. But with that comes new opportunities to unwind without having to spend so much time on the screen...

How many more plans would face "backfiring" before something actually follows through?

I just think that it's too extreme. Everything's just too extreme right now--the threats, the harsh discipline, the questions I'm continuously bombarded with...

With all of these overwhelming factors, nothing seems clear anymore. Even that statement alone makes her mad, and now I don't know what to do anymore. Really, I don't. I keep saying this but it's the truth.

I don't want to say "I don't want to do this anymore" so what can I say, then?

Honestly, I can't understand any of this.