A Glimpse at my Emotions

paranoia

2018-03-12, 2:52 PM

Don't you dare regard the title as something poetic because it's far from that. Honestly right now, I feel like Charlie from Perks of being a Wallflower or something just because of what is happening to me.

I mean, the changes aren't visible. No one can see the changes from one simple glance at me. But I know what changed, and it's scaring me.

My head hurts. It hurts so freaking bad every day, and not even sleep could cure it. It results in me being snappy and pissed and withdrawn. No amount of forced laughter could revert the darkness that pervaded my heart and raged in my head. I've kept out of touch with my family back home, and even with a few of my friends. It's so hard to find a time to talk with them.

Add on the fact that my boyfriend "assumed I was busy" and ticked me off because I couldn't be answering emails every single day, and my eventual snap and blowup and attempt to remain patient ended with him having a seizure.

In the midst of my anger, I forgot he was diagnosed with epilepsy.

Not to mention, my grandmother's physical health is deteriorating and I can't help but think that was my fault too. She can't do any chores without feeling needle-sharp stabs in her hands, and her back still hurt from the bus accident last month. She couldn't sit or stand for long periods of time, either. Anything that triggers her anger would result in her feeling uncomfortable, too--her heart rate would increase and she'd find it hard to breathe, and it'd be painful for her.

It's already painful for me to see, too. Now I have to do all the housework while I could, and all the while I stand in regret, knowing full well what's happening to me.

I've stopped writing here and connecting with people here because of connectivity issues, and also because I feared that everyone would call me a child for even saying anything about my situation. Work has been thrown at me more than ever and stress is just making me see red.

And now I'm scared. I'm scared of touching anyone, or coming in contact with anyone, or just being close to anyone in general. I called a break with my boyfriend because of this, but I don't know if I should break up with him because of my fear of hurting him, or eventually killing him.

They say actions speak louder than words, but words can still have an effect on people. And I doubt I can ever forgive myself for what I've done.

I'm scared of myself. And I don't know what to do.

~fiery-hallows