A Glimpse at my Emotions

close to crying

2018-06-12, 11:12 AM

People have suggested that I should see counsellors. Seek help. Stop holding everything in. But that's what I am doing, and all the burdens on my shoulders are threatening me to break.

I've been on a hiatus from Wattpad for forever, and I know it's affecting most of my friendships here. It's affected my overall reputation as a writer here. Not being able to deliver the work that many people have demanded for (despite my repetitive warnings not to demand such things from me) makes me feel like a failure.

But it's not just on Wattpad. It's my personal life too.

Since I returned from China, I felt that I wasn't prepared for more academics. I took a week off from school so I could take a breather and reset myself, but I couldn't. It all came down to me flailing around because I miss one class--an important class that would help me in the right mindset and start me off on the right foot. Now I have failed to submit so many assignments, I've been sleeping later and later every night, I've been procrastinating, and I can never get myself in the right mindset to do anything. The only times I feel sane is when I play my violin or piano, or playing Pokemon GO outside, and even those little slivers of time are hard to find.

Now I am being hunted. All these deadlines are coming back to bite me hard in the butt, and it hurts--major time. I've been skipping classes to try and focus, but it wasn't helping. In the end, whatever I can hand in ends up looking like serious shit. And I run away from everything that would define me as a failure and further push the truth up my nose.

And I've been putting off seeing a counsellor for so long because I wasn't sure what they would make of the problems I'm having. I'm falling apart and I don't know what could put me back together.