Abused

35: memories

Tyler wasn't aloud to be alone anymore.  Those were the rules the doctor gave him, they think if he gets left alone he would attempt suicide again.  Tyler promised himself and Jenna that he would never do that again, he promised himself that because he did love Jenna.. he could see the hurt in her eyes every single day because of what he tried to do. He wouldn't ever even think of hurting Jenna, and he couldn't bare see her like this again. He wouldn't do that to her... he may always love Josh, but Jenna had a place in his heart too. Tyler walked around the kitchen at 7 in the morning with his scruffier up hair and nothing but boxers. He shuffled over to the coffee maker. God, everything reminds him of Josh. He remembers when they used to call coffee 'dirt water' and laugh at each other. He missed those days so much, and he misses Josh more than anything. In fact, he thought about Josh so often he practically forgot all about his abuse growing up... that is until he got in the bath. He ran the lukewarm water, it reminded him of last week when he ate those pills while laying in that very spot. He let the tub fill halfway when he slowly pulled his boxers off. He stood in the mirror, just staring at himself in his most natural form. No clothes, nothing done to his hair, fresh out of his slumber. He glared into his reflection and then looked at his body through the mirror. All of his scars, he was so ugly and gross... at least that's what he thought. He was a very attractive man, he was fit and had good hair. The scars from his shoulders down to his thighs made him feel worthless and gross... why would Jenna even want him? She must not be attracted to him very much, why would she want to sleep with a boy with scars all over him? Tyler felt bland with emotions and walked to the bathtub. He dipped his toes in slowly and sat in the warm bath water. He remembered when him and josh would do this together, they would sit in the warm bath together, foreheads pressed together staring into each other's eyes, arms around each other's necks just loving each other. Tyler ran his dripping hands through his damp hair as he pressed his head against his knees with him arms wrapped around them. He shut his eyes tight and imagined all the things him and Josh would have done in the future. He thought about the look on his face when he would have told him he still loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of his life, and how they would kiss for s thousand years to make up for the time they wasted not together. Then Tyler went back to the past, he remembered sitting in the shower with the tub filling up, the sight of hot water splashing on Josh's lower neck and upper back, and the Hot steam that came off of him that made him look so desirable. His mocha brown eyes would stare dead into Tyler's soul, and his pink hair would drop wetly over his forehead and drop into the water they sat in. His c major lips that made an adorable yet sexy pout that made Tyler want to just grab his face and drown in Josh's lips. They seemed to drip with kiss me now and hot desire. Tyler could picture it so vividly it felt so real again. He would slowly licked his lips and stare at Josh's lips until Josh gave in and would playfully peck Tyler, leaving his unsatisfied until he kissed him longer and more passionately. He remembered the nights where he couldn't sleep, and Josh would be right under him, holding him close into his chest with his arms around his back and would circle his thumb around to calm Tyler down. He would kiss Tyler's cheek and forehead gently every couple minutes and would even whisper their favourite songs and poems into Tyler's ear if he needed to. Tyler even remembered their dirty nights, when Josh would push Tyler against a wall and kiss him as harshly as he could, grinding up and down Tyler's body. They would make out and even more, and Tyler could remember it so perfectly. He remembered the mornings that he would wake up early just to watch Josh sleep, he was such a cute napper. He would just be laying there looking so innocent, and then Tyler would make Josh breakfast in bed because he would do anything for Josh, he loved Josh. Tyler thought and thought and thought about all the memories they had together until he cried... but he didn't even notice he was crying. He was so lost in thought and remembering Josh that he would cry and not even know how loud his sobs were. It's like the memories drowned out the sound... but it wasn't the memories. Tyler opened his eyes and couldn't breath, the breath he took in filled his lungs with bath water. Tyler jerked up and coughed until the water exited his body. His chest burnt from inhaling so much water, he must have fallen under water while being so deep in thought. He didn't want that to happen again, so he got out of the bath and went to lay down in bed. As soon as his head hit his pillow, he shut his eyes tight and thought about Josh. This was as close to Josh he's been since he'd been shot. Tyler couldn't stop.

Tylerrjoseph is online

Tylerrjoseph: hey josh.
Tylerrjoseph: I know your not here anymore and that you won't get this
Tylerrjoseph: but I love you.