Abused

38: Graves

Tyler sat in the rocking chair, rocking back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. He didn't stop, he rocked and rocked so tediously that it tickled his emotions to even think of stopping. Like when you zone out, and your aware of it, but you choose not to zone back in. Tyler was so lost in thought, he stared at nothing. The space that you can't see, the space in between him and whatever the closest object to him was across the room. The space that's impossible to focus on because it's invisible. The joy never lasted, no matter what happened. He could be ecstatic and happier than the smiley emoji one second, and then he would fall through a blatant trap door. Jenna was asleep, and Tyler knew his schizophrenia was going to kick in. He rocked back and forth, still. He thought maybe if he was zoned out and fidgeting he would be able to escape the voices, but who was he kidding? Like he said before, he was a prisoner to his own mind. There was NO escape, even zoning out. He could look at the emptiness between him and the bed all he wanted, the voices would just tease him for trying to escape. You think you can make this better with a baby? Your trying to replace josh with this child? This baby is just going so cause you more problems. Why are you happy? You shouldn't be. The voices continued to taunt Tyler's mind and would sometimes even last all night long. The battle between Tyler and the black night sky never ended. They were mortal enemy's, and the last thing Tyler needed was enemy's.  The voices were trying to convince Tyler that this baby was bad, that this child was evil. The only thing that made Tyler happy, and the voices had to ruin it for him. He didn't want to believe the voices in his head, but the voices were his mind. They were a part of him, they WERE him. Tyler couldn't not listen, it was programmed in him brain to automatically believe what these voices say, forcefully turning Tyler against his own unborn baby. Why did these voices ruin everything for Tyler?

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Jenna's alarm rang out into the silence of the morning, and Tyler was already awake. He hadn't slept a wink all night, all he could focus on was what he heard the voices tell him last night. He knew, that couldn't be true. He loved their child, she or he was not even born yet and Tyler already knew he would love it with all him heart. He pushed aside what the voices said and let them fall into a dark abyss of nothing. Fathers instinct. No matter what these voices told Tyler, he knew he would have unconditional love for their baby. It was barely even human yet, and Tyler had the strongest love for it. He knew Josh would be proud, and wondered if wherever he was, he was maybe smiling down at him from above, proud of his little bean boy? Tyler thought a lot that day while Jenna was away with her sister. He thought about what would have happened if Josh was still there. Would he be with Josh instead of Jenna? Would he even be having this baby? That's when Tyler started to really miss josh, and couldn't help but let a tear roll down his cheeks. He sat on his bedside, and looked over at Josh's drums. The only possession of Josh's he owned, other than his love. He started to think about how it's been just under a year, 11 months to be exact. He wondered what has become of Josh. He was in the pitch black, all this time. This whole entire year, he has been laying in the blackness six feet underground doing nothing but rotting away and decomposing. Tyler hated the thought of that, how josh was nothing more than rotted flesh and a maggot infested frame. Tyler had thoughts like that, he wasn't sure if people over thought as much as he did, but it was bad. It always made bad situations so much worse, and even though it was a blessing for his amazing writing it was also a curse for his emotion. He would visit Josh's grave every month or so, and it was so hard. Having to sit in the grass knowing josh was right there. He was litteraly right below Tyler, just a few feet under him. He was so close yet so far... just like when Tyler held him in his arms seconds after being killed by the impact in his brain. The stone with the letters J-O-S-H across it. There were so many people in this world named Josh. It could have been any josh, but of course it had to be Tyler's Josh. Out of all the Josh's in the world that this grave could belong to. Out of all the people named Josh that could have died, it was Tyler's Josh. Tyler sat in the grass in front of the gravestone and laid down. He rested his head on the stone and his body chest down to the ground. It was just like old times... when Tyler would lay on top of Josh and they would lay there for hours. Unfortunately, Josh was stuck there for more than just hours, now. He would be there, in the very same spot, for ever. There was nothing left for Tyler to do now, so before he got even more upset he picked himself up and walked away from the grave, looking back every couple seconds hoping to see josh appear alive and well from under the ground, and know that it was all just a bad dream. But it wasn't. Josh wasn't coming back.  Tyler snapped out of it, still perched on the edge of the bed. He was zoned out into Josh's drums. They have collected so much dust. Josh's touch was basically lost from the instrument anyway, with all that dust. Tyler sat alone for a while until Jenna got home, and when she arrived back Tyler was happy. He rushed to the door to greet his beautiful woman and got on his knees as if bowing to his queen, planting a gentle kiss on her belly where Tyler's little baby slept.

"Hello.. its daddy!"