Fighting For Us - Book 4

July 4, 1984 (Part Two)

STEF POV

*A few hours ago*

As I ride the 6 train towards my precinct, for I needed the walk and air despite the early morning hour, my heart feels heavier than usual. It's true that I barely slept last night or even nights before that, and I know that I've been having nightmares of my brother's image, and how he looked when I identified him. His body was so horribly bloated, yet frail, and disfigured from not only the drugs, but also the AIDS which had been full blown by the time he died. It really was horrible for each time I closed my eyes I could see it all again as it replayed in my mind over and over again.

Maybe that was something Lena didn't understand but how could she if I didn't tell her? It was so hard to speak about or come to terms with it all especially the fact that my older brother had been lying in an alleyway deceased for a couple of days before he was found. That alone was horrible and sent me crying most days for he was thrown there like he was a piece of shit. Maybe by that time people thought he was but he was always my brother. The one brother whom I cared about more than anyone could ever understand.

When I was a kid Francis was the one who snuck me candy, and allowed me to watch TV when our parents went out. Or he would let me listen to his collection of records when I was a teenager and he attributed to my love of music and singing. Some of these things I had somehow forgotten or pushed them to the back of my mind when he disappeared ten years ago. It was too painful, or rather scary for I just didn't understand it. Now I did of course and I never imagined that I'd lose my other brother to AIDS and drugs. In my mind I always imagined maybe the war would do it but I guess in some sense it did. Or did it?

FLASHBACK

"Hey knock there, little one!" Frank yells to me as I see him and his friend Chris stuffing something under his bed. "I could have been naked!" He laughs as I roll my 8 year old eyes and jump on the bed unaware of what was really going on.

"But you weren't! Can we watch TV again?" I ask as Chris seems to be flushed but I have no idea why as they both roll their sleeves down.

"Sure, in a second. Chris and I just need to finish up our science project."

"What's that smell!" I ask now seeing something on the ground. "Why do you have flour and needless in here?" Going to touch it Frank pushes my hand away rather aggressively. Something he never did as I look at him confused. "Ouch!"

"Don't touch that, baby sis. OK! It's, it's for our science project."

"What kind of project?" I ask confused as he hands the things to Chris. "Hey you didn't button your shirt right Chris." I giggle.

"It's for chemistry, Stef. Listen go on and set the TV up and I'll be there in two minutes ok? Knock next time because this is an important project and if you scare us we could mess up."

"Oh ok! Sorry! Promise you are coming, Francis?"

"Definitely. Now go on."

"Ok!" I say running off rather cluelessly never realizing my brother was in his room shooting up dope.

FLASHBACK ENDS

Now that I think back to that night I knew what was happening. I know knew my brother was shooting up drugs and that him and Chris were most likely making out. Back then at eight years old I had no clue but as I think long and hard I remember my mother complaining that her spoons kept disappearing and that the house had an odor she could not get ride of. That smell was heroin and when I became a cop I recognized it instantly.

Those weren't the memories I wanted to have of my brother nor the one of him laying in the morgue. His body and face were so messed up that our family had decided to have the closed casket. But that did nothing to erase the memory of him from my mind, nor the horrible guilt I've been plagued with since. It was eating me alive every single day of my life and I didn't know how to not let it.