Code Blue • Jackson Avery

Chapter Forty Three

I stood at the entrance of the hospital contemplating going in or not.

"You got this" Jackson said grabbing my hand. His thumb lightly rubbing the top of my hand was enough to help me walk through the hospital. We both stopped at the Chief's office which was once again Webber's. I learned that my dad had given up the position a few days ago.

"Ah Dr. Shepherd you're back. How are you?" Webber asked. I looked at him confused.

I was held hostage, witnessed my colleagues get shot, watched my dad almost die in front of me, held a gun against Cristina's head while she operated and miscarried. How could someone ask a question like "how are you" to a person who just went through that.

"I'm not okay" was all said. He turned around facing me.

"I'm not okay" I repeated. It felt like weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

"Dr. Perkins is on site to help with the events and how you are feeling. Once he feels you're ready you'll be cleared for surgery" Webber said.

"Are you not listening. I'm not okay. I don't think I can do this- being a surgeon" I yelled. Panic struck me once more as my breathing became heavy and my body began to freeze.

"Bella calm down" Webber said grabbing my shoulder. The pressure immediately calmed my nerves. He lead me to a conference room where the trauma consultant was.

"This is the other Dr.Shepherd" Webber said to Dr. Perkins before closing the door behind him. Dr. Perkins shook his head and greeted me.

"Please uh, Dr. Shepherd sit"

"Isabella" I muttered.

"Excuse me?" He asked

"Call me Isabella" I said.

"Okay, well Isabella let's talk about it" he said in a cheery voice.

"Can I ask you something Dr.Perkins?" He shook his head yes.

"If you were held hostage, watched your dad bleed out in front of you, watch numerous colleagues get shot and die, hold a gun to a friend's head and then found out you lost your baby. How would you feel?" I asked.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"Pretty shitty if I'm honest" I said. I got up from my chair about to walk out when Dr.Perkins asked.

"Did you do something medically wrong?"

"What?"

"The patient's wife. Did you consciously do something wrong? You know malpractice?"

"No, she wasn't going to wake up. The pulling of the plug was the last resort but it was all that was left to do" I said.

"Then why blame yourself?"

I stared blankly at him. I didn't respond because I had no answer.

"Quit. If you feel as though you can't handle being in the hospital then quit" he said. The pen tapped the table as he waited again for a response.

"It's easier to quit than to fight. I don't take the easy way" I said.

"Good. Here's your paper" he said. I took it seeing it was the surgery approval sheet.

"I'm cleared?" I asked.

"You want to be here. Go do what you do best" he said. I walked out of the conference room staring at the piece of paper.

I saw my dad in the hallway near the nurses station and decided to make my way over to him.

"Dad I-" I began to say but was immediately stopped in my tracks by the last person I would want to see.

"Amy going to say hi to your niece?" My dad asked in a sarcastic manner. Meredith gave him a look that she wasn't pleased with his actions.

"She destroyed the one thing I cared about" Amelia said with anger in her voice.

"Woah, what happened between you two?" Mark asked standing near Amelia.

"Amy, enough. She was a young child, forgive the kid" My dad snapped. He was referring to the penny's I spilt when I was a kid. It was my grandfather's collection and Amelia adored it. I dumped it over breaking the vase it was in. She hasn't forgiven since that day.

"It's more than that Derek. Mom always cared for her and ignored me. It was always take care of Isabella first before Amelia" Amelia explained.

I looked down at my feet. The nine year difference between us caused her to view me like the younger sister more than the niece growing up.

"My daughter didn't O.D on pain killers and crash a car while high. My daughter needed guidance and care, something mom could give to both of you if you didn't choose pain killers" my dad snapped.

"Well it's nice to see you Aunt Amelia" I said with a smile.

She seemed to ease up probably knowing this grudge she had was more with my dad than mel. I began to walk away when Meredith caught up with me.

"Are you cleared?" She asked. I waved the sheet around.

"We need to talk about your dad. He had been speeding and in jail almost every other night. He's going to die one of these days doing 120 mph on the highway" Meredith explained.

"I'll talk to him" I said before heading to the break room to change before being on ER duty.

At the end of the night I walked out of the hospital feeling slightly better about coming back tomorrow.

As I walked to my car I saw my dad and Aunt Amelia sitting on the hood of his car.

"I'm sorry for the pennies. I know they meant a lot" I said to her.

"I took out my anger with your father on you" Amelia said.

Just then I felt a hand rest of my waist.

"You ready? I think we are all meeting at Joe's" Jackson said.

"I'll see you around" I said to both my Dad and Amelia before heading off with Jackson.