UNDER EDITING-Something New || Patrick Cripps

fifty nine

"Yes. Yes I do," I respond, peering up at Patrick with my lips pulled upwards.

His eyes lock with mine and in that moment I know that everything will be what it was once again.

It's been a few days since we went to the restaurant and everything has been smooth sailing since.

Whether it be that Jack got the number from the girl or that Patrick and I are becoming closer than ever before, everything has just been amazing.

I've been waking up each morning with a smile on my face and happiness flooding my veins. I feel like a different person, a more lively one at that.

I guess ever since Patrick and I began becoming close again that things have taken a turn for the better. The times have changed now.

I feel as though what happened between us has made our bond even stronger. Barely anything, or anyone, can break the tie between the two of us now.

Both of us are still finding our feet, trying to determine our next steps to make. We're still unsure of what to do next, but we just need a push to get us there.

I'm sure there's something occurring on the horizon for both of us. Just got to wait for it.

Today I will be doing something I've needed to do for so many years. I've never had the guts to do it until now.

I, along with Jack, will be going to our mum's grave for the first time since the funeral.

Ever since coming back from Sydney I couldn't do it. I couldn't even face the prospect of doing it. It just hurt too much, but now I feel ready. I feel ready to see her again.

I was a coward to run from it, but that's not me anymore. I'm a whole different person now.

I look at myself in the mirror, seeing clearly the resemblance I have to my mother. She was an incredible woman, and I feel shameful for letting her down. For fleeing after her death and not sticking by Jack like I should've. I'll always have that weight of regret in my shoulders for the rest of my life.

I dress in appropriate clothing before going downstairs. On the bench lays a bundle of flowers that Jack and I will give to her. I observe them, colours of purple and orange and pink bouncing back at me.

My brother comes up behind me, placing his hand on my shoulder as I admire the flowers.

"You still up for this?" He asks, watching me cautiously.

"With you there I know I'll be okay," I tell him reassuringly, meeting his eyes. He nods, smiling lightly then grabbing the car keys and striding out the door.

"Auds!" Caleb calls out, walking my way, taking me in his arms and squeezing my form. "Good luck."

"Thank you Caleb." I lean up and kiss him on the cheek in thanks. He beams at me, rubbing my back soothingly. I take the flowers, pressing them to my chest. I wave Caleb goodbye before joining my brother in the car.

Just sitting in the car is making me tremulous and anxious. I can't help ruminating how I'll cope with this all. I mean, this is the first time since the funeral I've seen Mum. I've never properly seen her grave, but Jack has. I wonder how he dealt with it the first time round.

It doesn't take long to arrive at the cemetery, and by now my mind is going a million miles an hour with god knows what. Everything is jumbled, whether it be with relentless regret or guilt or even a bit of trauma. My grip on the flowers tighten ever so slightly.

I hesitantly remove myself from the car, trying my best to mentally prepare for what I'm about to come face to face with. My knees almost buckle beneath me when I stand, but I quickly stabilise myself. Jack hops out too, trying to appear stoic.